Walter Miller's Homepage

"WHAT THE HELL YOU MEAN, 'TOBBACCY AINT A VEGETOBLE?'"
-- Granfather, in a lame excuse to my folks after me
and my brothor spent the summer there, ages 10 & 11.

May 1997 Update

Page 2 of 5

Granps needed to go to the library to do research for his upcoming court case for animal abuse so we (thankfuly) descided to meet back at the train statoin locker at 5:30 to go to the airport.

The first meeting was a freelance writing interveiw with a lady I met through e-mail. Althuogh she was VERY nice to me the interveiw did NOT go well. Granfather says he loves the internet cause 90% of all females on it are his type: fifty, fat and smoke. OH CRAP!! he didnt see HER. She was MUCH MORE prettier in person than she was thru e-mail. Im very shy around pretty womon (probly due to my being surounded by one very ugly person all day long) plus I dont talk allot anyway so I was extra quiet.

Advice for the lovelourn

But i did pick up 15 huors a week of writing work. One of the rules is that i cant say who or where i am writing for, or even if it is on the internet or in print. But I can say that it is answering letters that people write in for advice--mostly advice tothe LOVELOURN.

I am not the only writer and also theyre aware of my mediocore spelling & grammor so my stuff will be edited. The lady found me thru my homepage and said that what counts most is that she knows Im sensotive to emotionol isseus.

Heres my first advice:

At first i coudnt think of HOW THE HELL id ever be able to give people advice. I soon came up with 2 very valauble peices of advice: NEVER put on your homepage for the whole danm world to read that you make only $6 an hour. And, NEVER look RIGHT AT a pretty womon when negoatiating salary: You will be screwed and NOT in the freindly way you are thinking.

Im late for my next Apointment

Next I headed ovor to the Netly News. Like a jerk, I thuoght Avenue Of The Americans is 2nd Aveneu but it is realy 6th and they are long-ass blocks. I got there a halfhour late.

On the one hand i found myself pleasantly suprised to be happilly returned to the realm of unatracttive men. The first thing i wanted to talk about was why I STILL cant see the revolving graphic of the trailer and the keyboard on my Netly colunm page: I still havent seen it.

But a couple of agitaited Netley editors said FORGET THAT FOR NOW and told me Id bettor hustle my ass over to this fancey Executive luncheon because I was SUPOSED to meet private with Mr. Levin whose a very inportant man, and because i wasnt there he went to lunch without me. They also said be sure to call him MISTER Levin and NOT 'Jerry' and try not to act like a fool. So I ran off & got there just as they served lunch.

I make a misteak

I didnt know it was a fingor bowl. I dont even know what a fingorbowl is. I drank out of it. i am a jerk.

Things went downhill from there.

You WONT guess what hapened. I am there 5 minuts and the big duoble doors burst open and

GRANFATHER ROLLS IN.

All the waiters in fancey white coats scattored like when one of your pigs gets loose by mistake an runs toword a herd of geese. In one hand he held at chest level a Mothor of Pearl and bakalite cigar holder which was stuck in that plastic tube comin out of his lung from that lung puncture. In the othor hand he brandished a long skinney thing that looked like a plastic stick and he waved it around menacingley.

And Mr. Levin says 'OH HELLO you must be Walter's Granfather' just like hes expecting him. Granfather lazily looked back at him, rolled his yellow eyes and appeared to be tryin to stifle a belch but what he was realy doin was puffing thru the tube and forcin the smoke upword and out of his nose as he pedanticly replied, quite erudite, GOOD DAY SIR. THERE AINT NOTHIN LIKE A MACKANUDO, DONT YOU THINK?

I cant beleive it!!! I later found out the evil bastord read my Daytimer when I went to the restroom on the train and called up to invite his own scraggly ass carcass along too.

Granfather was very rude.

The cruel beast belives that he is now an Internet big shot. When no one was lookin he reached the long skinny stick to try to lift up a womons skirt nearby and look undorneath. When he was served lunch he pushed his food away and hollered at the waitor I DOESNT WANT THIS HERE FROG FOOD GIT ME A FRIED EGG SAMWITCH AN' SOME WHISKY.

Then he started tellin everyone there that 2 freinds of mine in California PLUS HIM help me write and research my Netly colunm because i am too imature to have precise industrey insight. This is only somwhat partly true. OK, it is mostley ALL true. YES my freind helps me do my colunm. Plus granps too. In any case it was very enbarassing.

"MUH WHISKYS EMPTY AN' IM FEELIN' VERKLEMPTY"

Watch out arround the old bastord when the booze is flowing for free. When one of the waiters didnt move fast enuogh Granfather started wavin the white plastic stick around and screamed out with the cigaret cletchned in his teeth, (which he was smokin in adition to the cigar in his side):

WHUT THE HELL YOU STANDIN THERE LOOKIN' LIKE YOU GOT ONE O'THEM SIX-FOOT LONG FANCY-ASS RESTUARANT PEPPER SHAKORS UP YER BUTT? PUT A HEAD ON THIS, *NOW* GOLDANGIT, **NOW** , B'FORE I GIT NASTY ON YOU.

The stick was one of those twirly things from the end of the venetian blinds. It whistoled thru the air when he waved it an when people got hit on there ass it made a thwappity thwap sound: you know the noise.

Agian: People think Granfather is charming.

Yes not only can snakes be charmed they can be charmin (and some of them always need extra of the product 'Charmin', ha ha,) and evereyone (except me) but including Mr. Levin was very amused by all this until Granfather started domminating the convorsation by rambling on hollerin about knocking off Interscope AND Vibe Magazine. It seems the old bastord is a big Rap music fan. The pleasantries ended soon after. (Granps doesnt like to listen to rap, but he likes to read the lyerics.)

On the way out the evil smelly ogre swiped at a few othor people with the stick and made a evil chuckol and said IT HURTS LIKE HELL, DONT IT?

Granfather Has Left The Biulding

We were then both asked to PLEASE LEAVE. Also his reqeust to use the restroom was gracoiusly declined. They were taking no chances so they escourted us onto the elevator and all the way down to street level.

In the elevator Granfather ruminated outloud to no one in particulor some rambling statement like, NOW THET FOLKS ARE 'COMIN OUT' AND DECLAIRING THERE PREFERENCES WITH NO SHAME, and since everyone always brags about knowing celebritys, if anyone at Netly coud bychance fix him up on a blind date with his latest preferrence of late: Martha Stuart.

Y'ALL SEEN THET T.V. AD O'HER WEARIN THET PURTY K-MART JUMPSIUT DRIVIN' THET BIG OLE 18-WHEELER? SHE COUD PARK HER RIG NEXT TO MY TRAILOR ANYTIME: WHAT A TOMATO!

In the Lobby, Secourity took a picture of me for an ID card to get in the building next time, and also one of Granfather that they will keep at the front desk with ordors to call the cops if he ever shows his discgusting emaciated repuolsive skinny ass there again.