I feel that this is still a marginally more honest way to mak a living than bein a lawyor
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Buttor Flavor Crisco may have that fresh dairy taste but it is NOT suposed to be used as freely as butter. Yet i am the one who must pay the price. Meanning that I am the one who has to haul him to the john and TAK CARE OF BUSINES when he gets there--you know what i mean. Our toilat is STILL brokkan but I found an old toilet in one of the back barns that needed some work with Krazy Glue. I cannot fix the float and my arms are not strong enuogh to turn the bolts to hook it up plus we dont have any money left to get the plumbor back here (not that he woud come), so a ran the gardon hose in the windoew to fill the tank each time we haveto flush. Lately were flushing ALLOT.
So there i was propping up the old nasty beast. Have you ever seen black plastic electricol tape when its been sitting in the sun and the glue is all runny and you cant peel it apart from the roll. Well pitcure an adult undergarment stuck to a rabbid chimpanzee so badly that you haveto get it off with a pare of pliers. And also picture a normalley WHITE adult diapor tarnished that same industriel shade of black. Yes the only way that danm diaper was comin off was in postage stamp sized peices one at a time with the needolnose plyers.
"WHUT KIN I SAY BOY?" Granfather snickored at me in his evil sputtoring cackle with a cigaret in his teeth as I balanced his skinny ass on the egde of the bowl, with the drippy sappey pliers in one hand, while the smell emminating from him which filled the room was surely permannently damaging the mucol membraines of my nose and lungs and who knows, probly even etching the surfece of my corneas, "I GUESS I'M WHUT WINSTON CHURCHILL WOUD CALL 'A MYSTERY INSIDE A RIDDLE WRAPPED IN AN ENIGMA WRAPPED IN ONE O'THEM BIG ASS OLE DOLLAR-NINETY-NINE ADULT NAPPIES WITH THE VELCRO SNATCH WHUPP'SIDE THE EDGE'."
Uncle Zeke said he was abbout 200 miles west of us and was on his way ovor. That probly meant we'd see him by lunch the next day cause my Uncle's top speed is like 35 miles an huor with a tailwind.
They they quickley got off the phone with Granfather muttoring "HMPPH! LONG DISTENCE". I geuss this was anothor throwback to times past when it was very epxensive to talk on the phone. Meanwhile, Granfather will spend hours on the line with his pshychottic old Army freind who lives in Oklohoma. The othor night he was on the speakorphone with the deranged Okie (who is as crazy as Granfather) and the call consisted of drinkin beer and reading alloud from one of the Chickon Soup For The Soul books, adding proffanity and childish immagery to the passages and then luaghing there asses off.
Howevor i coud not pass up an offor to BATHE Granfather. He says that havving a bath 2 days in a row is unhealthey. Id say it was unhealty for humans and livestock who have to be near him. Plus we always argue with the old bastord contineuly insisting: "WHY, YOU LYING SUMBITCH! I HAD MUH BATH YESTERDAY!" and i have dificulties standin up for myself so the way it ends up is he wins the argeument. In realitty he gets a bath usualey once every 4 days.
He is always sqiurming like crazy so the doctor sugested a way to keep him under controle: Do you remmember in an update i once wrote abbout how an animal behhaviorol specialist hooked an iron ring to his nose? Well that was repplaced with a small staneless steel eyelet clamp which is atached to his fibrous strong sinewy septum.
First, you have to dig the clamp out from way up his nose with a dessert spoon and then pull it down. It is atached to chain wire. Then, with one end of it still atached to his nose, the othor end is clipped to the bar on the bottom of the tub drain. This way Granfathers face is just 3 inches from the drain so when he spits tobbacco jiuce it will go straite down, and if he farts his ass is far enuogh from the lit Stogey in his mouth as not to cause a conflaggration. (Undor the threat of a fine, I had to prommise the local Fire Cheif I'd do this every time he's washed.)
Only on this speciffic day i had a problem--I coud feel the metol clip up his nose but I coudnt get a grip on it with the hook.
But still, that othor glove, the one he'd shoved up there this morning was still ensconced in his nose.
After tryin for 20 minuttes of heave-ho to extract the danm rubber glove from eithor his his nose (where 3 fingors of the glove were stickin out), or his mouth, (where the wrist part was stickin out), i finaly had remembored that the pinky part was in his ear. And so i puored in some minerol oil in the ear and withdrawed the whole glove from there very gently with a cerrated ice pick and it was hard becuase the whole time he was rocking viollently because one of the instrumentol parts of the Allmen Brothers tape was comin up and he hollared at me to "CRANK MUH HOMEBOYS DWAYNE AND GREG ON HIGH!"
You never saw so much rancid wax in your life. I am so ashammed not olny to be rellated to him but even to know him. Ive said it beffore: It is not a man: It is a danm animol.
"KNOW WHUT BOY?" granfather screamed out to me over the wailing musicol din with the cigar cletched in his teeth, shuddoring twitching and bopping tempestuously to the perky beat and turning to face me with his cobralike yellow eyes, "LORD KNOWS I AIN'T A CHURCH GOIN' MAN BUT IF'N I WUZ, YOU'D FIND ME MOST REVERENTLY A-WORSHIPPIN' AT THE CHURCH O'THE TWANGY GUITAR."