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If this is Octobor it must be...

the July section of the big doubel July/Augost 1999 Update

Page 2 of 4 of update 1 of 2

Back at my desk

There was two phonemails from the HMO and one from the Medical Lab, and one from my dad on the West coast and one real nasty one from the County Clerk, and SEVEN phonmails from Granfather. In all the phonemails I got yelled at.

The sitouation with the County Clerk

My last update ended with me facing legal charges and $6,000 in expenses related to the Destruction of Propertey involving a sweatty ladies' size 44 A-cup (Yuck, I know, but that is how she is shaped), polyestor tube top belonging to my freind Cathyann, a girl from our town, being throwned out of the window of a vehicle traced to me on a state highway that atached itself by means of air resistence onto the grill of the afforementioned county vehicol which was proceeding westbound on said highway hearby blockin the air from coolin the afourmentionned damn car engine.

"An act of God"

That is what my plea was, in the infourmal hearing they had later that week. But the county attorny said he woud reject it, claiming that God woudnt of took Cathyann's tubetop off in the first place. And if necessery woud get two of the 3 locol pastors (but not the Methodist one) to sign somthin that woud agree. But I did not take it off OR throw it out of the car. Plus it was Cathyann's mothor's car.

The reasen the County Clerk was callin, (angrilly screaminng at me really), was to offor me a clemencey deal if I was willing to testiffy agianst Granfather for some other outstanding charges agianst HIM. He realy has no beef with me, but he is atacking me legally as a way to get at his sworned enemy, GRANFATHER. As far as the clemmency deal, I have still not descidded what I am going to do.

All of the other phonecalls were rellated to Granfather and his refusol to go to the doctor.

The old basterd was suposed to go to the doctor but he was refusing to. He was havin allot of problems, ammong them scratchin and biting those sores on his back, and so like I said has been mostly wearring that large size cardboard animol cone for most of the day. These were probblems that had to be sorted out.

The HMO said that if we did not show up there with a check for this month's premium and also have the old basterd appear in person to submit to a special exam, than our medicol insurence covorage woud be dropped. This is the time of year that Granfather gets his insecticidol spraying.

Warning: This is disgousting

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Yes, the insectocidol spreying. The old basterd gets two spreyings a year for things like powdor post beetles which inhabbit certian boney voids and also citronella ants which sworm out of his ears by the thousends in late summer to early Fall. (They realy dont do much damage exept you always have to vacuum the wings up off the carpat and that's a pain in the ass).

Lately the carpenter bees have ben under control, and they are easy to deal with aneyway, being that all that's needed is some mild dessicants to be blowed into the neat quartor inch holes they make in his skull, but the problem is that they look so much like the holes the Asian Longhorn beetles make, and THEY are a real problem. Fire ants and killer bees, usualy the scourge of our area are supprisingly not a problem with Granfather, being that his overpoworing rancid stench kills them before a beachhead is established. Othor resident pests on the old basterd are huge patches of black mildew, mossy liverworts, algae and lichens on his forhead face and lips (some of which can only be seen under black light), as well as somthing called porifera terra monstrositta or "horroble land sponge" on his cheeks and giant unified eyebrow, not to mention giant nematodae worms which at the most enbarrassing times wiggol out of pustules in the darker sweattier areas of his body. Also mosquitoes which grow in the pools of fetid water which devellops after rainfall on the naturol grooves and gullies of his leathory scalp and rathor unnaturol indentations of his ghastly Gigantopithecene skull.

I hate to go into so much detail but the danm insurance company is allways fighting with the State Agricultoral Department over coverage, payments and co-payments You know how it is.

In any case i am tired of gettin screamed at ovor the phone all the time.

Dad screams at me becuase I cannot convince Granfather to go to the doctor. The HMO screams at us cause Granfather will never submitt to all the tests he is suposed to. The Medicol Lab screamms at me because they think our family is playing games with the medicol results related to Granfather; (we are not: he really does have reptilian DNA and toxic sulfur based blood and urine -- we cannot help it).

And most of all Granfather screems at me. For any and all reasens. He just likes to screamm. Its is his nature. Evil monster.

Also, anothor incodent a few nights before pryor involving Just For Men that precippitatted all these furious phonemails at work

As you know much of my life at home involves takin care of Granfather and hauling him up on the crapper. Well I left him propped up on there for too long. I wasnt my fault. Allright, it was a litle my fault cause I am suposed to take care of him. But I was waitin for a file to download. It was Quake III Arena.

I know I shoud of been watchin the old basterd and I wasnt. The file took much longer than I thoght to download and the old basterd fell in. Granfather's knees knocked himself in the chest as his skinny ass fell in the toilat and as he bucked and thrashed, (partley in horror at being in contact with water, since he never bathes), the medocine cabinnet above broke loose with all the stuff inside it fallin on his lap.

I coud not hear his screams.

His ass and hips were wegded into the bowl and he tried to free himself by lathoring himself up with the only item he coud reach which was a tube of black colored Just For Men brand hair coloring.

There are two tubes that come in the box of Just For Men, (I know this becuase i am the one who puts it on him). One of the tubes is black and the othor is clear and you have to mix them both othorwise it is too gluey and thick. Plus they call it "Just Five Minutes" because you are suposed to WASH IT OFF in Just 5 minutes.

Anyway he had just one tube and he smeared the goopy black hair colorring agent all arround to lubricate and free where he was stuck but you see the oposite hapenned. IT DRYED -- sealing the toilat seat around him like glue and worst of all when they say In Just Five Minuttes they really mean it cause if you happan to have that stuff on your skin it will dye it. So Granfather has a big ovel shaped black mark ringing his ass spine and back. By the time the file downloadded Granfather was screammin so loud and was so pissed at me that I probly woud of been safer inside the Quake Arena gettin shot at than bein in the trailer with Granpy. Good thing his ass was glued to that seat or else Id be dead right now.

Junior, a neighbor of ours from town came ovor and me and him spent the night with some Q-tips and a few Stevie Ray Vaughn CDs freeing the evil beast with a gallen or so of Skin So Soft.

The whole time me and Junior pulled and scraped Granfather's ass off the toilet seat Granfather kept callin me a "stupid Wussy" and also was rambolling on and on to Junior abbout how ugly I was as a baby. Also how my mothor creid and creid about how ugly I was, and how my dad told my mothor that even thuogh I was so ugly they still had to take me home. Even thogh it was just Junior, our simple minded neighbour who is part of the familly anyway, it was mortifying and very humiliatting. I actually started to cry and I turned up the CD player loud so no one coud tell. Granfather can act so sincear somtimes. He ramboled for 3 hours on how ugly I was.

"JUNIOR, HE NOT ONLY WERE A UGLY BABY, LONG, SKINNY AND UGLIER'N A FRIED RAT. ...HE WERE A ORNERY BABY TOO. WOUDN'T LET YOU CUDDLE HIM OR NOTHIN'."

Then all of a suddon, Granfather started fake weeping. Phony basterd.

"MUH OWN GRANDSON WOULDN'T LET ME CUDDLE HIM! HE KEPT DOIN' THET 'BACK ARCHING' THING, WHUT ORNERY BABIES DO WHEN THEY REJECT YOU! BWAH HAH-HAH!", he wept like the fraud that he is.

"THAT'S WHY I'M SUCH A MEAN OLD SUMBITCH! I NEVER GOT NO LOVE!

"BWAH HAH-HAH! TURN UP STEVIE RAY, THIS HERE'S MUH FAVORITE SET....AH SAID TURN IT UP,, YUH STUPID DUMBASS!!"

The lying bogus basterd. He didnt let up till Junior was weeping too. Also, Granfather NEVER cuddoled me as a child, and I'm GLAD cause I woud of been more emottionnolly scarred now than I alredy am. We finaly freed the basterd from the bowl.