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Mid-Setpember 1997 Penultimate-on-Prodigy Update

Page 6 of 7

Granfather gets an e-mail warning

Just then while we were on line, Granfather got an arrogant threatnonning e-mail from one of those Animol Rights activist freinds of The Cornol who said that she'd heard about the recent death of three chickens at our house. She said that her and some of her freinds from their "Watchdog special interest Group" were going to "drop by" some time at our house unanounced to see what the state is of our dogs and poultry, and to make sure they arent abbused.

An evil grin spread on the old bastord's rubbory yellow gorilla like horse toothed primate face.

He said to me:

"I TELL YUH WHUT: I WISH THEM HAIR-UNDOR-THE-ARMPIT, NON-MAKE-UP WEARING, SKINNY ASSED PEASANT-SKIRTED MIDDLE-AGED-OLD CRONE HIPPY GALS WOUD SHOW UP."

"WE'LL HAVE MORE THAN CHICKON FER SUPPER THAT NIGHT HEH HEH HEH..." (Keep on reading this update because a week later they DID show up.)

The next day, just to be prepaired, Granfathar made me tidy up the yard, and also go into town to buy some regulor dog food for the dogs as to fatton them up in case his 'unannounced' guests showed up. Two particoularrly emmaciated chickens were alloud to sleep in the trailer (but in his room NOT MINE) as to get their weight up. Their scraggly clucking and endless chicken-brained squauking and their metallic scratching on the aluminum floor at night was an anoyying pain in the ass. (But i will admit: the aroma of chicken crap was atcually somwhat of a slight inprovement in Granfathers room.)

"NO TALKING DURING MUH FAVORRITE TV SHOW!!!"

That night was Wendsday, the night the long awaited 2-hour season preimeire of Beverly Hills 90201 aired--and the old malodorous ghoul was greatley disappionted. Mostley becuase all it was (in his words) were a one-hour show with extra lame dialoge added to stretch it. A case in point was the scene with Donna, Kelly and Donnas mother in the drugstore buying birth controle pills. "VERY AMATEUR STAGING AND CAMERA ANGLES," he sniffed haughtily.

Then at the scene where Steve Sanders and his smart-ass date were fighting with the waitress in the restuarant Granfather said to me, 'THIS SHOW BETTER INPROVE, OR YOUR GITTIN A MAJOR ASS-WHUPPING, BOY."

Yes NOW i am ALSO to blame for the poor qualitty of U.S. Televisoin. And the 90210 eposide did NOT inprove. So instead of hitting me he offored me a deal, for another show that was airing a few days later. "AND THE OLNY REASON YER GITTIN' THIS DEAL IS BECUASE O' THE NEW TWO PIECE RULE."

Of cuorse he was reffering to the first time 2 peice bathing suit rule for the Miss America Pageant swimsiut competition.

Granfathers deal was this:

He said that later, when the Miss America contest was on, if Miss Texas won, he woudnt hit me at all--but if all she made it to was just the Semi Finals, then he'd only give me HALF the beating he was planning to give me.

Then i asked what if Miss Texas didnt make it at all, even to the final ten. And Grranfather paused drammatically, then scowled back serriously, the sunset coming thruogh the window beaming right into his gruesome face, reducing the vertical pupils in his canary-colored eyes down to a hair's width, and growled lowly, "OOOHHHH, THEN YOUR DEAD, BOY." Saddistic imbecile.

I was nervous all thruogh supper before the Pageant aired.

It was the same kind of fourbodeing i had when i was on the phone with my boss. When the show finally came on both me and the bastord agreed that the lady who was hosting the show was much more prettier than any of the contestants. My heart started pounding more when they read off the ten Semi-Finallists:

Well Miss Texas didnt make it, and so Granfather, in his evil, sadistic cruel torturring way, offored me annother deal:

His 2 favvorites, Miss Hawaii or Miss Misisippi--eithor one--HAD to be crowned Miss America. Otherwise i woud be getting the beating of my life, OR the chickons now had to sleep with me, AND I had to make up my mind RIGHT THEN what i wanted. (The doctor had told me once, in the case of such incredibble unexplianed dementia, just to humor him in these matters.)

So i chose one. I had just saw a few days prior how he kicked the sherrifs ass, so you know what my choice was.

Well geuss who I shared my room with

Yes neithor Miss Hawai or Miss Missisisippi won.

There is a scene in the movie the Godfather when Abe Vigoda (who used to play Detective Fish on TV) gets a dead fish in the mail and then deadpans the famous line: "Luca Brotsi sleeps with the fishes." Well, arround 2 AM, when i was still awake from one chicken pooping on my laundrey and the another one ON THE DANM BED tryin to pluck at my balls, my door swings open and the old bastord trundles in and says in his best puffed cheeked Marlin Brando voice, 'LUCA BROTSI SLEEPS WITH THE CHICKENS.'

I said Granfather, Brando doesnt even say that line about the fish: Fish does.