I have a good ecxuse as to why this is late

I warn you this is very disgousting. But it is nothing uniqeu to man or beast. Especeily Granfather, who is both, albeit mostly beast. I write to you today as bald as an Eihgt Ball. Yes I have been gradaully losing my hair, but this time I shaived it all off on purpose. Why? Becuase once agian, Granfather, in his reffusal to bathe, or wash, or allow me to bathe or wash him, and also his compulsions to daily wander out in the sprawling compound of junk, shacks, sheds and outbuildings that we call home, where wild rabbitts and racoons and also coyotes wander amidst rancid carpets and El Nino-rain soaked stuffed animals and uphoulstrey which sits out of doors, not to mention our yard chickens and 13 dogs, who he also reffuses to bathe or have bathed, (and certianlly never flea-dipped), has once agian, (the discusting old bastord that he is), has gotton infectad with lice. Worse even, he tracked it into the trailer.

We have used RID and othor lice killing products ovor the years, but you know what? I am sick of it. I alwayes wonder if they are comming back. So this time I shaved my danm head.

And right now I am balder than the Ace of Spades

The bastord howevor has descided to treat himself differently. Usualy we take him down to the Agriculturol Co-Op and they dip him in sheep dip but the prices went up and he will not pay the 49 bucks. He did read insted on the Newsgroups (where else?) that kerosine will do the trick. This is what they used when Granfather was a kid. So he made me get him a showor cap which he filled with it. I am too sick to go into detail abuot it now. Perhaps later in this update.

Right this very minute as I write Granfather is havving a loud conniption fit because he is in the othor room watching a tape of the Charley Rose Show on PBS and his geust is Patrick Stewart, the actor who plays Captian Jon Luke Picard. Why is he screamming? Granfathers become very much a big Star Trek fan, and you know how Mr. Rose conducts his show: He asks a question, (often a good qeustion), and just as the persen tryes to answor, he interruppts the guest to ask another question, (this time a stupid queston), or else make a dumb comment, or even worse: He starts to verbally think out loud for a coupol of minuts. Then you nevor get to hear what the guest's answor was to the originol good queston.

The annoyying pain in the ass that he is, (Granfather, not Mr. Rose), also has this burnt black ring of charred flesh aruond his mouth since the day beffore as the result of an acident because he was spitting a stream of tobaco juice at the TV (specificaly at Brandon on Beverly Hills 90201), and the danm idiot, (Granfather, not Brandon), made the misteak of hitting an electricol juncture inside the set at the same time he had a full wet diapor. I dont wanto tell you how it made the room smell. Plus he had somthing in his moulth and throat that condducted the electrisity very well.

Even worce his mouth was on fire!!

If you ever saw the opening credits of the Tonite Show with Jay Leno when the anouncer says, "...And I'm Ed Hall," and then you see Mr. Hall standing in front of the merry-Go-Round with flames on his toungue, well, that is exactley what it looked like. But instaed of it being Edd Hall 's face, imagine if you will the face of one of those rabid albino attack apes from the movie Congo on the body of one of those emaciated wrinkley yellow hairless cancer research mice who always seem to be on the news allot lately. Thats what it looked like ecxept much more uglier. And also with a smouldering diaper which also had flaimes shooting out.

There is only one downside to this

Actualy, there are two downsides. One, is that Granfather was not killed. I cannot begin to explian the horror and humiliattion he brings to our fammily. Most people, when they meet him, are ashamed to be a member of the Animal Kindgom because of him. Just think how bad it is to be a direct descendent of him. It is enuogh to make yourself cry yourself to sleep. Which is hard when your hair is growing in becuase you just shaved your head. It is all sharp and prickley.

The second downside i refer to is that the Idiotic Mouth-On-Fire incodent occured BEFORE the Idiotic Kerosine-in-the Shower Cap treatment. If only it coud of hapenned WHILE it was on his head. It woud of been nice to see him go up like a nice Roman Candle. Insted of the Roamin' friggin' freak show he remains.

I called the doctor but he never came

As you know our fammily is listed in the registor of Emergencey Medicol Service Abusers. Howevor the doctor did tell me how to treat him for the ellectric burns over the phone: Hold the bastords entire head under ice water for 3 hours, and put somthing heavey, like a couple of office busines machines on top to hold him under the whole time. Preforably plugged in. And parhaps manacle his arms with a dogchain, and mabye toss the toaster oven into the water with him too. Then The doctor slammed the phone down. You can nevor tell if he is joking or not but one thing is clear: He friggin hates Granfather's danm guts.

In any case I saved his life instedd by mashing his head in a bowl of some cold leftovor corn hominy we had in the fridge. It was hard to get ahold of him because he leapt out of his wheelchair and was stomping and arround the floor in pain like the Micheal Flatly guy in Lord of the Dance. My reward for alowwing the beast to live is to hear him ramble on and shout at Charli Rose on the TV set right this very minute:

"GOLDANGIT, LET CAPTIAN PICARD TALK!" His voice is all distortad thanks to his mouth being scorched and crumpeled into an "O" shape due to the voltage burn. He has to put cigarets up his nose in order to smoke, which is allot more disguosting than it sounds.

"CAPTAIN KIRK WOUDN'T PUT UP WITH THIS. JANEWAY, WHY SHE'D THROW HIS ASS IN THE BRIG.

"AN' IF IT WUZ MY MAN SISKO, YOU KNOW HE'D WHUP OL' CHARLEY ROSE UPSIDE HIS HEAD ACROSS THAT BIG ASS OAK TABLE WITH ONE O'THEM CHEAP PLASTIC PHAZER RIFLES."

Granfather has had problems his whole life figouring out where fantacy leaves off and real life begins. He is a pitiful, bitter abbusive man whose whole life consists of lazyness, being cruel to othors, and sitting on his skinny hams watching televison. I beleive deep down that Granfather is jealuos of Mr. Rose because he is inteligent, handsome and sucesfull, but most of all has done somthing with his life. Dispite the fact he combs and fluffs his hair with merangue. In any case:

I appollogise that this update is late.

There will be a second updat for Late March, by the way. No mattor what happens I will alwayes try to give you TWO updattes a month. Many have wrote to express concern, and sugested mabye that Granfather had killed me or somthing. (Well, the fact is, I saved his life. But does he care? Did he say 'thank you?' Woo-hoo, dont get me started.).

I woud like to say this: What allot of folks forget is that I am a real persen, and somtimes workload, (and not to mention diaperload) can consume one's time. Sometimes one is ovorwhelmed. Sometimes, one must atend to the "number two" of the number one makor of number two in the world. And somtimes (hard to belive but in any case true) that number two ACTUALY CATCHES FIRE.

In any case I am graitful that you, my reading fans have not abbandonned me.

Also I woud like to thank my many readors who wrote to cheer me up concerning my blind date disastors. I have now descidded that i will give up on rellationships for the time being. At least till I recovor emotionolly which may never happan. Oh well.

A miner corection.

Many of my readers pointed out that I mistakkenley put "Febuary 97" instead of "Febuary 98" on the headline of all the pages of my last updatte. The wrong date apeared on all 7 pages becuase I cut and pasted the text in as a template. I appollogize for this misteak. I will strive in the futture to avoid chronnologicol errors and will try to stick to only typographicol errors.

Speaking of errers

A certian one-hundret-and-25-pound biologicol blooper comes to mind. Its name is GRANFATHER. Him and me got into a large fight the othor day when he reffused to do that simple little ritual so practiced and apreciated in the Western world. Yes, that little instructionol phraise, which is just one 5-lettor word long, making it the shortest instruction in that bestselling book, (which i cant think of the name of), but it has to do with having learned all of the inportant things in life way back in kindergarden. That one word phraze is FLUSH.

More inhuman experriments: They shall Ne-Vah Die.

I wrote in my last update about how Granfather was tryeing to pass a single unbrokon string thruogh his body from into his mouth to out of his butt. He was using cinnamon flavvored dentol floss. Due to ovorly strong stomoch acids which burnt thruogh the string, Granfather has abandoned his dream of swallowwing of dentol floss but has not ruled out othor items as THE DREAM SHALL NEVER DIE.

He has spent many hours trying to ingest othor types of string, but the stomich acids always rot them. He is so dettermined not to fail in his dream of acheiving the eqiuvalent of an alimentary Northwest Passage.

For him it is a quest.

Yes, a dream, an adventurre. A quest to be more discusting.

How does Granfather define that wretched and mentaly twisted quest? In a parraphrase of a thunderously charismattic speech Senator Ted Kenneddy gave at the 1980 Democrattic Convention, which the old bastord, (Granfather, not Kennedy), saw replayed on PBS not too long ago. The speech, (perhapps Ted's best) was the drammatic closing scene of the four-part American Expereince mini-sereis intitled The Kennedys.

Granfather has been rumbling arround the trailer trilling out in an emotionnoly quavoring perfect immitation of a Kennedy's voice, compleat with patrician Bosten accent:

MY DIA-PAAH NEEDS TO BE CHANGED...
MY BOILS NEED TO BE LAAAH-NCED...
THE AAH-CIDS OF MY STOMACH HAVE CORRODED THE DENTAL FL-AAH-SS...
I HAVE THE LAAHR-GEST, THE BROADEST,
THE WIDEST, AND THE FATTEST ARSE OF AAAHHLL THE KENNEDYS...
...AND THE DREAM SHALL NEH-VAAAH DIE.

Walter Miller's Homepage

March 1998 Update