Walter Miller's Homepage

A pack of non-approvol-rating effecting lies.

Late Augost/Early Septembor 1998 Update

Page 5 of 8

...and of cource, there is no one so worthey of bein staired AT.
But truly, Granfather's stairing can bore a hole at you and not ever blink, even for hours at a time. It is a reppulsive gift, much like his abillity to crack dishes and cups across the room thruogh the power of intestinal gas. My dad told that once when he was a 12 or 13 he saw his nonhuman father win $40 in a stairing contest at a low class carnivol sideshow. The Ammazing Non-Blinking Man, who Granfather was competing agianst, lost the match when he started to blink like crazy at the sight of a yellowjackat bee which landed on the basterd's nose and actualy walked across his danm eyeball. Granps never flinched, but aftor they got home Dad got a beating with a razor stropp for not flickin the bee off.

My own personol Medicol waiting room Bad Memmory from the past

When I was very young, mabye 6 years old Granfather was visitting us where we lived in Califoria and he took me and my brothor up to Big Basin. On the way back while driving on the 9 the old geezer started an altercation with anothor driver. The othor drivor was behind us as Granfather leaned out the window in order to heave a creamy one up from his throaght and onto the othor guy's windsheild and as he stuck his horroble ugly head out it got whacked hard by the sideview mirror of a truck comin down in the oposite direction, (which beleive it or not never stopped. You know what a windy road the 9 is.)

There was friggin blood everywhere. While Granfather screammed dirrections out to us while workin the gas pedal with his ugly feet my brothor who was only like 8 had to steer the car to the hospitol.

Sittin there in the Emergencey Room, the bleeding old basterd beast began stairing at this young tough looking guy. This was the 1980s and the guy was dressed for the Punk era wearin a leathor jacket and feather earrings and had hair dyed that purple cellophane color and which was all jelled up in spikes. Granfather stared at him for a long time. The guy with the purple hair looked pissed staired back. Finaly he said to Granfather, "What the hell are you lookin at you old fart? This is how I dress. Didn't you ever do aneything crazy when you were my age?"

The old basterd said, "I SURE DID, BACK WHEN I WUZ IN THE ARMY.

"ONE NIGHT ON SHORE LEAVE IN THAILAND, I GOT ROCKIN' ASS DRUNK, AN' HAD SEX WITH A PARROT. REASON I'M STAIRIN' AT YOU IS CAUSE I'M WONDERRIN' IF YOU AIN'T MY SON."

As soon as he said this my brothor and I sprang up from our seats and ran to the bathroom to vommit. My brothor is a faster runner than me and also he started pukin before he got there and so i slipped in his chow behind him landing face first on the floor cushionned only by a thin layer of my own fresh yak.

You may of reckongnized the preceeding as one of those disgousting Urben Legends but i assure you it is no legend and it orriginnated with Granfather.

And besides....

even thuogh Granfather allwayes maintained he was not serrious abbout the parret, I woudnt put anythin past the old basterd, as far as his behavoir when he is rockin ass drunk.

Meanwhile back in the present day HMO waitingroom Granfather kept starin at these peoplle. PLEASE knock it off, I said to him. But the 2 peoplle werent even payin atention to Granps' stares. They were stairing back at him and compairing it to the picture in the maggazine, which if you get Nattionol Gegraphic you will see that on page 8 of the Setpember isseu there is a photo that looks ecxactly like Granfather, exept not as ugly and disgousting. It is a pitcure of King Ramses the Great all dryed out leathory skinned and mummofied. Yes, the same guy who was Pharoah in the bible and its ammazing to think that aftor 5,000 years the cruel old basterd (Pharoh, not Granfather) is so well preserved. The two peoplle started trembling and dropped the magazin on the floor and ran out the front double doors.

"HANDSOME FELLER," said Granfather, as he picked up the magozine and compaired his profile with that of the 5000 year old dessicatted corpse.

"SAYS HERE OL' RAMSES FATHERED HUNDRETS O'KIDS.

"WITH ALL THEM CHILLUNS, I'D'N'T OF THOUGHT THEY'D NAME A FANCY CONDOM BRAND AFTER HIM."

At last the doctor was able to see Granpy.

I had wrote beffore about how truamatic an experrience for all parties is an examinnation of him. First you have to get him nakad. This is neithor as easy or pleasent as it sounds because he is howling and thrashing the whole time. Then you have to lift him up onto one of those stainless steel exammining tables which realy is the only option becuase he will tear up those vinyl foam cushionned ones and I am sure I dont have to tell you the horroble noises that long, hard, hourney dog like claws make while scramboling violently on the steel surface of one of those tables unless youve ever had to bring a large, distrought pet to the vettorinarian for an exam. I usualy have to hold him down with both arms while the doctor pokes and prods.

Did you evor see a doctor apear to hold back tears.

Well this one did. The day beffore Granfather's visit I treid to warn him over the phone before the exam. I said that an unusuol, odd creature was coming in and please dont be alarmed. The doctor seemed rushed and a little pissed and perhapps even a bit insulted at my prepparatory comments and assured me that he coud handle all manner of "eccentric client" as he put it. And I said to him this was no exentric client this was friggin Patient X.

Boy was he sorrey that he didnt preppaire himself. Not only was the doctor practicly in tears for the whole examminnation he kept runnning out of the exam room and back into his ofice to read and reread the framed Hippocrattic Oath which was hangin up behind his desk chair, and while he was readdin it he trembled and mumbolled and his lips were moving. The old basterd kept holloring out these awful jokes like:

"WHUDD'YA GIT WHEN YOU CROSS VIAGRA WITH ROGAINE? DON KING! GET IT?"

When the doctor came back into the exam room for the last time he was pale and frightenned. Granfather shot him an evil grin and then did that trick where he twists his head arround. I said to the doctor, "You didnt find nothin in that hippocrattic oath about Granfather, did you?" and he said to me, "Yes your right."

He starts chokin

Sudenly the beastly geezer's cheesy sinewy throaght began to spazm, and he started to choke. I was affraid he was going into cardiac arest. I started to get very nervuos and pleaded with the doctor to do somthing. Yes, I hate his guts but he is my Granfather and i do love him, and dont want him to die. (OK, I do want him to die but not like this).

I told the doctor that Granfather had swalloewd somthing as a result of tryin to get into the Giuness Record book. He demmanded that Granfather tell him what it was. Still overly bloated, clammy and weak, Granfather reffused to say a word. The distended area had moved lower and was now in his lowor gut.

No x-Rays alowwed

When the doctor sugested X-Rays, the guttoral, rude growling screamming muttering, which comprised Granfather's normal speaking voice loudened into shreiking squall, "NO XRAYS, YOU HORSE DOCTOR SAWBONES DUMBASS SUMBITCH! IT'LL SPOIL MUH GUINNESS RECORD!"

Next the doctor wanted to stick an object or somthin up his butt to see what was goin on, and I pleadded with him NOT to do so. I said to the doctor, "You didnt trust my jugdement to begin with, so you bettor listen THIS TIME." As i explainned, Granfather, still in a half fetal squat on the stainnless steel table grabbed his knees with his gnarled monkypaws and dischardged a loud stinker.

Whoa was it loud.

Have you ever had a coupol of burly workmen come to your office and start pullin up the carpeting in the hallway which is abbout 100 feet long with all that dried crackolling industriol glue undorneath, and the hiddeous, ripping, noise and echo it makes, or else if youve ever been to a football staddium before the game when fifty groundskeepors wearin heavy gloves all tear up the giant peice of astroturf with velcro undorneath which comprises the entire End Zone? The loud ripping noise? This will give you an idea of the sound. Still, for the basterd, it was only a Two on a scale of Ten. Suprisingly the stink wasnt too bad. Othor than a few exploading vials of meddicine, the warping of steel surfeces and some buckling and pitting of floors, the only real dammage sustained was in the MRI room next door where the giant magnets on a very epxensive Magnetic Resonant Imaging machene that cost millions of dollors somhow lost its powers of magnattism. (And peoplle wondor why health costs are going up so much).