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Practice makes perfect--but when youre so danm far off the mark, why bothor?

Late April 1998 Update

Page 7 of 7

I coud not BELEVE what they were fighting about.

These two love to argue abbout anything and evereything -- I mean ANEYTHING: I found out that this fight was abbout actor Tom Arnold.

One of them, (eithor Granfather or Zeke -- I forget which one), claimed that Mr. Arnold was a truely talented TV writor and acter -- A "Rennasance Man" if you will. The othor claimmed that "Alls he did was sleep his way to the top" -- and that your in a prety danm sorry state if you have to sleep with Roseann in order to make your way to the top -- even if she's the ONLY one you have to sleep with.

In the heat of violant disagreement, Uncle Zeke must of run outside to get the gas powored weed wackor because he was leanning over the old bastord with his giant foot on Granps's skinny neck, holding the garden tool as the sharp plasstic cord whipped the bastord's ugly ghastley face.

Did I mention my Uncle isnt smart?

Fortunnatly for Granfather, his ugly gastley face was sheilded by that white mask of two-foot by two-foot sqaure of sheet metal stuck on it. It sounded like hail on a tin roof, but Granfather wasnt harmed a bit.

Meanwhile Granfather was jabbing Uncle Zeke in the groin with the Kitchan Magician(R) in his hand, with 3 of the atatchment blades deployed, (Or mabye it was the Fishin' Magicien(R)).

It must of ben some danm fight becuase my uncle's shirt was off and I later found it enbedded into the formica wall pushed straight into the alumminum outor wall of the trailer by 4 inches of our biggest meat cleavor. Both men had been screamming, "DIE, YOU SUMBITCH!"

Imagine, brothor agianst brothor battoling to the death over the honor of Tom Arneld.

This is Disgousting

...and perhapps rating only a "three" on the Granfather(R) Brand(TM) scale of flying fecal fun and Frolic. As soon as i subdeued the two of them and got them dressed, and we walked off to the car, Granfather reached behhind himself, grabbed somthing as his long tapered orangutan like hairy arm flew backwords, and then sudenly frontwords, and did you ever see the old black and white movie White Heat where Jimmy Cagney mashes a half a grapefriut into the face of Virginnia Mayo? Well the old bastord did that to Zeke ecxept with his open-faced diaper. It took anothor 20 minutes to cleann them both off.

Lovestruck in the Restuarant

We didnt get to eat until almost 9 PM. I use the term 'lovestruck' very looseley, becuase Granfather has nevor been in love in his life: But selfish lust is a familor freind.

We got a few odd stares becuase of the zinc enamol sheet metal on Granfather's face, but I tell you, it was nothing more than what normally hapennes out in public when he shows his uncovored, reptillian primate face. Sudeneley, right aftor we ordered our food, Granfather eyes two women sittin at the bar in the next room of the eatery. One of the women winked at the bastord. The pupils of Granfather's eyes started opening and closing, and he started trembling so that the zinc sheet wobbled in a low rumble.

Next thing i know, Granfather kicks me undor the table. He kicked me RIHGT in the balls. He coud of kicked me in the knee, but no: Right in the balls. As if i woud ignore a kick to the knee. Mean cruel bastord.

"HEY BOY," he hollars. "TAKE ME AN' ZEKEY TO THE MEN'S ROOM TO FRESHEN UP."

Uncle Z. allways has to take a leak, so it wasnt hard to convince him do this. Once inside the bathroom, we had a little parlay.

Granfather explained that there was a "gorgeous peice" out there sittin at the bar, but becuase she was with anothor woman, he needed Zeke to try to pick up her companion. Zeke belowed "HELL NO!" so loud that a poor guy in the toilat stall was so frihgtened he ran out of there with his pants still down.

Granpy cuts a deal

Granfather made a low chuckol and told Zeke that if he did this for him, and it culminnated into his gettin to fool around with this woman, then Zeke woud OWN the covetted Duke of Windser pot metal crown atachment. The bastord pulled it from his shirt and and waived it on its chain before Zeke's mesmorized eyes, just like a hypnotist does with a pocketwatch in all those old bad films. Uncle Zeke imeddiatly agreed.

"OK, THEN, LISSEN UP, BIG BROTHER. YOU AN' ME GOT TO MAKE OURSELVES APPEAR SEXY TO THESE HERE WIMMEN. Y'UNNERSTAND?" said the old bastord.

"WE'RE BOTH GOOD LOOKIN' FELLERS TO BEGIN WITH, BUT WE AIN'T THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS."

Granfather told me to go in the glove comparmant of the car, and get Duco cement to smear his and Zeke's hair down with, and also some sheet metol snips for me to enlarge the hole where his mouth was stuck to the dishwashor door panel by molten cheese.

"CUT THE HOLE IN A SMILE SHAPE," Granfather shreiked.

"AND CLIP THEM SHARP CORNERS OFF THIS HERE METAL PANEL, said the bastord all ecxitedly.

"DON'T WANT TO JAB THE PORE GAL IN THE EYE WHILE WE'RE MAKIN' LOVE. KNOWWHUTIMEAN?"

After I was done, we went back to the table. The woman who Granfather was atracted to winked and smiled. The bastord faced her agian with his new 'smile' and said "HOWDY, DARLIN!"

Suffice it to say that Granfather worked his magic and picked the woman up.

And Geuss What: She is anothor "Female version" of a Famous male person.

Sureley you alreaddy know from reading my homepage, that Granfather's last love interrest was The Female Bob Barkor. Yes, if you happan to beleive in the same wierd creation theology as the old bastord, you know that he believes that for every person created, there are really eight peoplle created at the same time: One each reppresenting each of the four major racial groups, and a pair of each of these in both male and female.

For exampol, there is a "male Margarat Thatchor" out there, as well as a "female Bill Clinton", as well as versions of Bill Clinton in other races. There is also a "white Secretery Genoral Kofi Annon" in both male and femaile versions.

Yes, it is sick. But its what the bastord believes

Granfather calls it the 'Celestial Muffin Tray theorey" becuase he believes that God creates all 8 peoplle at the same time in a large muffin tray up in heavan, and then sends them all off to eight diferent sets of parents.

"I LEARNED ME THIS IN SUNDAY SCHOOL AS A BOY, AND I STILL BELIEVES IT," he allways says. If this is not proof of my stupid ancestor's riddiculous brain, then i dont know what is.

* * * I am going to end this Update here * * *

And in my next update, I will reveal exactley WHO Granfather's new love interest is. Howevor, for any of my readers who woud like to GUESS in the meantime, I tell you what: If you send me an e-mail of your guess, and you geuss CORECTLY, then i will print your name on my next update. Lets see if you can guess who it is, based on her varrious attribbutes:

Here are the clues:

Granfather's new girlfreind is the female version of a fammous male person

She is from Loiuisiana. (For a proud Texan like Granfather to date a Louisiannan, well, it must be true love.)

She is more evil and scary than Granfather; (Well, allmost)

She is kind of scrawney

I dont know what it is, but she reminds me of somthing i saw on TV once. Please indulge me in yet one more comparrison to the X-Files: Did you evor see the eppisode that takes place in a circus town in Florida where this tiny little disgousting creature kept atacking and killing the sideshow atractions? Remmembor, they breifley showed its face? Well, that's him...Or her...Or, whatevor.

She has a sick sence of humor

If you think you know, THEN SEND IN YOUR GUESS BY E-MAIL to me at: walter_miller@hotmail.com.

If you wish, (after guessing corectly), I will not list your real name, like "John Doe in Fresno." For exampol, if you like, i can just put down, "John In California."

In any event, this is your chance to get your name on my homepage. I will set a deadline of Wendsday, May 13, 1998 for e-mail submisions of corect responses. Pleasse check back on my homepage arround the middol of May for my next update.
Thanks, Walter