Walter Miller Homepage

YOU SPOILED KIDS! WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE THE 'NET WAS IN BLACK AN WHITE AND WE SURFED IT BY CANDELIGHT

Oct 96 Update

Page 7 of 7

WHERE WERE YOU YOUNG MAN?

I got back to the beach by 10am an my folks were mad. Granfather had just checked out. The old beast lectured me on responsbilty and tellin the truth. Also growin up and bein mature. Can you belive it? He hollered for an hour: IF YOU WANNA BE A SUCESS LIKE ME YOULL TAKE CHARGE O'YER LIFE YOU MISORABLE LIL' PEICE OF SNOT.

The old mean basterd nagged me on every topic exept personal hygeine.

I had SAID I visited my friend. But I cought hell cause my counslor called Dads phonemail and he dialed in an got the message. Granfather kept wackin me with a rolled up newspaper, sayin I needed a sound thrashin and when we got home hed spank me with a mesqiute switch. I said IN YOUR DREAMS GRANFATHER.

No one was havin a good time anymore so we left early to go home. The whole ride back granfather made cruel fun callin me 'fairy boy'. Thankfouly he was too tired to behave as bad as the ride out.

My dads fightin with the hospitol over the bill. They wanted him to pay for a phone used by granfather that they admit still works, but they claim is no longor usable.

But Dads mad at THEM cause we specificly told them NOT to give him Brussel Spruots even if he begs, but they gave him 3 helpings. The old brute was droppin cherry bombs the whole ride back--it was 11 hours. You coud smell it right thru the plexyglass.

Grampy starts a brawl

On our last tank up Dad made the mistake of goin to self-serve. This is a sore point with Granfather cause he always recalls the days of service with a smile. So he made loud crude remarks for everyone to hear like how America's the olny country in the world where a milloinare has to pump his own gas while an ileagal alien sits on his ass watching him and colects the money from behind bulletproof glass. He also said lots of other varied insulting things to noone in particoular. Two big bruisers told him to STUFF IT POPS.

This is a sick man

Granfather hollers back an one of the guys gets it right in the eye with a spit stream. He smacks granfather an the old basterd leaps out of the wheelchar and is rollin on the cement an sinks his teeth tight on this big guys ass cheek right thru his pants with the other guy punchin him. Granfather throws them both off an then pummels one and plunges the others head in the tub of pink windsheld washer water. He woulda drowned if dad didnt use the mallet on granfather. These guys were lucky to ecxape with their lives.

When we finaly get home granfathers extra pissed cause the man who fed the dogs was also suposed to tape Melrose Place, both primetime and the reruns. The guy messed up one tape.

The theoreticol infection

Granfathers only been watchin Melrose 1 year and discoverd the reruns 2 months ago. Hes now a Melrose fanatic and particpates in many highbrow online chat discusions on the subject.

He has an intresting theory on the earlier episodes now in syndocation: The whole Melrose cast has had sex with each other by now. (Except Matt the gay guy). But using actual sequentiel eposodes, hes peiced together the least number of contacts reqiured for a theoreticol venerial scab, lesion, or YOU NAME IT to pass thru the whole happy Melrose bunch.

IT ALL CAME TOGETHER IN SEASON 3 WHEN SIDNEY DID JAKE accordin to granfather, who drew it on a chart on our trailor wall. He pustulates that the shortest distance to link all points woud have to start with Jane (of all people) who woud pass it to Michael whod infect both Kimborly and Sidny whod give it to Jake whod infect both Jo and Amanda whod give it to Billy whod pass it to Alison. The key is Jake an Sidney who DID IT last, linking the chain.

Granfather can spout on the subject for huors an you better not controdict him. Especialy in a chat room. He'll flame your ass. Plus the next day youll find nastygrams in your e-mail.

"JUST THINK ABOUT IT", he said on the ride home. "OUR FAMILYS JUST LIKE MELROSE 'CEPT THERE AINT BEEN NO MURDERS YET, WE HAVE ALLOT LESS SEX, AND WE'RE ALL UGLIER, ESPECIALY ME AN WALTER."

Sorry for all the tears

Ill end this update here. YES i know my fans want MORE of granfather and LESS of my love problems--but please dont forget, my website is primarly therapy rather than entertanmant. Please oblige me in this. After all, the weepy stuff was only Page 6 and a little of page 5 out of the whole 7 pages. Thanks for understanding.