Octobor 1996 Update

Page 5 of 7

You havent been grossed out till youve seen granfather crack into a live giant horse shoe crab with his big horseteeth and eat it shell and all just like Darrel Hanna ate the lobstor in the movie "Splash".

He even cracks the long black spike open in his teeth an sucks the meat out. VERY FEW WHITE MEN HAVE SUPPED ON THIS DELLICACY he always lectoures us. I never know what the hell he means by that.

Vacatoin cut short

One mornin when granfather was in the water for a few hours we coudnt find him. I was afraid he drowned an I got worreyed. After all he is my granfather. Usualy he came out after 2 or 3 hours and you saw him scamperring up out of the water toward you on all fours like a giant fidler crab screamin for his frosty beach drink. Yes his favorite is orange Metamucil margoritas. You mix 2 tbls. of Metamucil powder with 2 fingers of teqiula then add the other stuff. Make sure the rim of the glass is crusted with road salt. He likes 2 whole blender fulls each day. It quiets him down so were all eagor to oblige.

But in the meantime the old amphibious enigma was no where to be found. THIS COUD BE OUR LUCKY DAY I heard my stepmom mutter to Dad. Then we noticed about a halfmile away behind us by the bay side bridge there was a comotion and an amboulance. My sistor in law has a saying:

Where theres smoke theres granfather

Co-dependent emmotional weakling that I am I ran over there as fast as i coud and almost was hit by a truck crossin the highway over to the inlet and there was a shrimp trauwler on one side and a smaller pleasure fishin boat on the other.

And there hangin over the side of the smaller boat and being hauled aboard tangeled in a net covered with seaweed and marine flotsam and jetsam, his monstrous face warped even more so because of a large clear jelleyfish encasing it which distorted his frightening countenence into a larger, more grisley and macabra transluscent magnifocation, was, yes, YOU GEUSSED IT: Granfather.

Get the hook!

One of the guys onthe shrimp trauler called it an "Ursulla" (who you know was the mean tentacally sea witch in the Little Mermaid) but is also Texas Gulf fisherperson talk for an unexplained and overly disgusting biomarine phenomana.

I screamed out that they shoudnt hook the old basterd it wasnt an extinkt saltwater trilobyte it was just one of my relatives. He was thrashin around in there screamin. They cut him down and he was half delussional from swalowing so much salt water.

He looked like a damn black hairy thing youd find in the trap of a giant sink. Supossedly the first Coast Gaurd person who got there coudnt tell he was a human right away and filed in the oficial report that theyd hauled in a "large animated peice of medicol waste."

GIT ME THE HELL OUTA THIS HERE NET!

By this time my folks had run over, and there was a Fish and Game Warden there lookin REAL pissed an he said somthing to dad like: Either leash it, have it gutted and cleaned, or cut it up into bait. Just get it out of my bayou.

Dad tried to talk the amboulance crew into not takin him to the hospitol for observatoin. But they thought about it and decided it would give them a break for a night. So they kept the old beast overnight and SOMEONE ELSE other than his unfourtunate family which is usualy the case had to scrape the barnacles and perrywinkels off the old monstors scaley hide.

I had to do it once last year and you have to use plyers, a chisel and liqioud butane. It doesnt hurt his skin.

Later on the hospitol was pissed cause granfather bitched all night cause he coudnt 'Surf The net' from the TV in his room. Also there was a ton of sand down his throat in his ears and up his ass.

I take a side trip

No Miller family outing is compleate without us getting thrown out of a public place, taking a trip to a medicol facility, or having a big fight betwean me and another family member with the whole thing ending with me havin my feelins hurt and crying.

I was very upset cause as you know Im hoplesly in love with someone who doesnt love me back. GOD HELP ME IT WONT GO AWAY and I wish the feelings woud. Its my former counselor who I was in therapey with but she had to give up my case cause she coud tell i had feelings for her. There not allowed to council someone whos in love with you. I think its both a state and fedoral law.