Walter Miller's Homepage

This site is very much "A Guy Thing" but plentey of women like us too. We have that speciel 'Three Stooges' appeal.

My Mid-Octobor Update First on Geociteis Update

Page 5 of 5

The plumbor came first to make an estimmate. Like i said he seemed to regret it bacause it apears that he just wanted to show up merely to ogle us. Yes there are plenty of people in the vincinnity who want to come by and see our place, but they cannot because Granfather will shoot at them.

i am ashammed to admit this

But thanks to GRANFATHER my family is somwhat of a macabber tourist atraction in these parts.

But the old coot did do somthing i give him credit for. The plumbor was saying stuff like "Waal, Gentolmen, there's nothin' I kin do here," and started to leave, obviuosly satisfied (and if not a little nauseatted) with the freak show we call home.

But instead of lettin him go, Granfather threatenned the plumber with wasting his time. He told him bluntly if he didnt give him an estimate RIGHT THEN for fixin the well pump he woud spring from the wheelchair faster than Evil Kenivil in that rocketship back in '74 and RIP A NEW ONE OUT FER YUH, WITH MUH TEETH which is a favvorite threat for him. So the man shook with terror and agread to get to work right away. And not only that but for 20% off.

MAKE IT THIRTY!

Thats what granfather hollared, and then the man said, what the hell, hed make it 35. Granfather then parked his wheelchiar right there on the porch while the man went to the truck to get his tools, tellin the plumbor that he woud watch him the whole time as he fixed the well pump, and that now HE was the spectocle, and Granpy the paying customor.

I was schedoulued to go into work

As I drove off for work, I saw disapearing in my rearveiw mirror the old bastord majesticolly sitting like King Tut on the throne, holding that giant salami upright like a fatty spicy royal scepter, (still hungrilly and savagely munching on it), his powdor blue vinyl sombrero with Ciudad Juarez stitched across the brim sitting on his evil head like a royal crown, and two of his favvorite pets reclining regally on eithor side of the wheelchair: Drive By and Vice President of Brand Devellopmant Halla Mackowska.

i am 'Coffee Boy.'

There is limitted parking at the place i work and i am only suposed to take the spots far by the entrence and not close to the biulding but becuase I come in only one day a week you woud think theyd let me park up front. But no. Its an honest misteak. I got yelled at.

Then they made me go out and get cofee. They HAVE a coffe pot there but ran out and no one wanted the old dusty can of Instant they had from day one. I sugested they just throw out the Instant and then, just for sugesting it to those cheap bastords, i got yelled at AGAIN.

Then some big wise ass there whose spot i parked in anounced that GUESS WHO, (Yes, you guesed it: ME) had to go out and get coffee for the whole group. And instead of goin to the Mini Mart at the Exxon that you can WALK to, (which I sugested) they descided that they all want the damn flavored coffees at the donut place.

What a pain in the ass

The donut place is only across the street and down 2 tenths of a mile, but because its a divided freeway the olny way to get there is to atcually get in the car and go in the oposite direction because theres No Left Turn Permitted. There is road construction too, so lets just say it took 20 minutes just to get there.

Then i had to get 24 cofees all preppared in diferent ways and ONE TEA. (there is always ONE rebellious agitattor who has to have TEA).

And they had NO Postum which is what i drink and when I asked to use the restroom they pointed to the little yellow barrier that said PISO MOJADO which means Wet Floor. They coudnt TELL me the bathroom wasnt working but had to cavvalierly POINT to it like I was an annimol. (It took along time to drive there and i had to pee even beffore i left the office and seeing the sign that said 'PISO' on it made me want to go more. You know how it is.)

The on the way back there was a long line of cars and i got held up with five whole changes of the light just to make one danm turn to get out back on the freeway because of the traffic. When i got back to the ofice got yelled at AGAIN for being late. I was acused of lazy-assing around. Stupid job.

The phone rings

I have ben spoken to abbout personol calls at work so i was sure that whoevor was calling me at my cubicol was someone from work, perhaps the Netly people at the main office. But no, i heard the fammilier barking croaking blare of Granfather on the othor end.

"I JEST WANT YOU TO KNOW," he said to me, "THET I SUCKED DOWN ALL THEM TASTY QUINTERO SHORTIES AND NOW BEGUN ON THEM OTHOR SMOKES."

i coud NOT belleive he called just to say this. It is a toll call too. But the old bastord just loves to annoy me. I said Granfather, "I dont CARE about your danm cigars plus im at work." He harshly snapped at me sayin that when i "growed up" I woud get to a point in my life where i would put a good cigar on a par with an avverage woman but since i never had neithor i woudnt know what the hell he is talkin about.

"LEMME TELL YUH WHUT, BOY," he screamed in an unexplianed manniacol rage, "I'M A STAUNCH ANTI-COMMUNIST, BUT, FER JEST ONE BOX O'THESE HERE HAVANA COHAIBOS, MISTER FEE-DEL CASTRO COUD BEND OVER AN' I'D KISS HIM WHERE THE SUN DONT SHINE RIGHT IN THET BIG OLE SOCCOR STADIUM IN FRONT O'THE WORLD ON LENIN'S BIRTHDAY."

Later on my counselor told me that Granfather was probly trying to reach out to me for male bonding but at that time, I angrilly slammed the phone down. An he called me BACK hollering more so i went to unplugg the phone but unplugged the token ring by misteak. Then i got yelled at more, this time from the iconnoclast who had ordered the tea.

Things were just as annoyying back home

It was just getting dark when i got back. Granfather was sitting in the same spot he was when I left but now the huge sausage he was holding was allthe way down to just a three inch stump and he was STILL eating it. I coud smell rancid salami-balogna burps from way out on the state route where you make the turn onto our dirt road. That is because it was ALLOT of coldcut hed ate.

Granfather said to me "HMMM! NICE THICK WIENER CASING ON THIS HERE DAWGIE!" I saw him sink his hiddeous gross teeth in and it made a popping noise as he punctoured the clear covoring of the saussage. Thruough his awful openned mouth chewing I saw a peice of peelback label and the UPC symbol dancing around in his jaws. It wasnt a wiener casing at all: It was the heavey plastic wrap that the salami came in.

The plumbor was still there.

He came out of the trailer and looked distruaught. He motionned to me.

More beetles

We were behind Granfather and he pointed to the old bastords back. Now there were more powder post Beetles coming out of one of Granfathers spiny vertebrea. I had to lance the area open, clean the beetles out and spray him with more raid. Then to keep him from licking at the wound I got his cardboard pet coller from outof the closet and put it back on him. i did NOT want him biting or licking at it.

Then the plumbor said to me:

"I want to show you somthing else."

We went into the bathroom and the toilet was GONE. Yes gone. Just a pile of sand was there. The plumbor told me that about 2 hours prior, Granfather had to go. (Normally I am there to haul him on the crapper but this time the poor plumber had to do it).

Grannfather was smoking and between the biuld up of gas from his new diet and the foolish idea to throw a lit cigar in there the whole bowl just exploaded into smithoreens. In 30 years of plumbing he said he never saw aneything like it. Garak, one of our chickens, was killed in the blast.

And all we had now instaed of a toilat was just a friggin hole in the floor. I looked out the living room window and saw the beast on the porch stare back at me with an evil look on his ghastley face. He pulled his fists close to his chest, stuck his elboews out proudley and waved them up and down and sang in a clucking voice

"I FEEL LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT, LIKE CHICKEN TONIGHT...

That night in front of the TV as Granfather watched the Television Movie Event Unwed Father with Brian Auston Green granfather remmarked to me, while pointing to the newly atached cone of days past "ID FERGOT HOW NICE AN' LOUD THIS HERE TV IS WHEN I WEARS MUH TRUSTY CARDBOARD ANIMOL CONE.

I will end this Updaite here
GO BACK TO THE MAIN UPDATE MENU: And remembor folks it maybe until Friday Oct. 24 that ALL 300 or so of my files are up. Thanks for undorstanding me in this very busy time of my life.