Walter Miller Homepage

"Y'SEEN THAT BOY? NOTHIN BUT BOWL!"
--something i ocasionaly hear at home; (not all the time, but ocasionnaly)

July 97 Update

Page 7 of 7

WATCH IT WITH THEM TEARS, BOY granfather hollored at me. THE 'CHEE' IS LIABLE TO SLIP ON IT AN' CRACK HIS ASS ON OUR FLOOR WHILE HE'S IMPARTIN' THEM LUCKEY CHINESE BLESSINGS IN MY TRAILOR.

Granfather does somthing nice

You know every billion years or so Neptune lines up with Pluto and this is just abbout as rare an ocasion. The old bastord anuounced that him and the old nag were goingto all go out to supper and he woud be paying.

A Bath

We are tryin a new way to wash Granfather. I take about 3 or 4 StainSticks and leave them in the sun till they get soft. Then i mix it in a blendor with equal part Murphey Oil Soap. (They use murpheys to wash elephents right on their skin at certian zoos--i read it on the Web). Then I rub him all over with it with suede gloves and then we get Shout! which is anothor type of stain remover. Shout! has these plastic bristols on the top and the doctor said RUB IT IN HARD. It sits for an hour then gets hosed off. Id say he doesnt smell for mabye 2 hours so it has to be a fast supper.

Hidden motive

We only have one restuarant in our town and i must say I had a halfway good time with the two elderly medical book ilustrations. Except for a breif incodent where Granfather started yellin and screamin at diners at the other table (it was began as a polite convorsation with a few strangors about the Mike Tyeson ear biting incodent--as a big Tyson fan, Granfather always takes Iron Mike's side), the evening went OK. At one point Granfather even told me DONT WORRY, BOY, he woud call up my dad and tell him that I lost my job, and it was NOT my fault. Also Granfather told me that with a few extra hours a week, me and him coud maybe collabborate on some writing projects togethor. (He already helps me with my Netly News colunm and many of the poems and TV show spoofs plus allot of the Spring 1997 Wedgie Page update was partly written by Granfather).

ME AN' YOU KIN BE BAD ASS CONTENT DEVELOPERS, BOY. CO-BRANDED FOOLS, THINK ABOUT IT.

Well i wondored where all this was headed and i soon found out.

At one point during the meal the old girlfreind got up to 'powdor her nose' as they say; (this is a woman who over the course of her ill-moraled life has 2nd degree makeup burns on her face and neck). Once she was gone Granfather whispoered to me, pullin his cardboard cone close and while sippin white wine thru his lung tube, (hes REALY into that whitewine lately), he then asked in me a low voice if I remember the Middle East restuarant in California we went to when i was a kid: The one with the pressed meat that stood uprihgt on the vertical skewor that was under the hot lights, and that rotated very slowly as the Syrrian guy, (or Greek guy--I forget), shaved little strips of cooked meat off of with a long skinny knife and put them inside pocket samdwiches with cucumbors and lettuce. I said YES i remember.

Granfather narowwed his eyes down to the slimmest hairline pupils I evor saw and he said in his diabolocol low threatening tone that he atcually owns one of those meat cookors somewhere in one of his barns, and that if i ever so much as breathed a sugestion that he was thinkin about cheatin on the old hag, hed drag the thing out in the yard with an etxension cord, impaile me on it ass first, line up all 14 of the dogs, turn on the hot lamps, and then slice by slice by slice and peel me alive in slivors an feed them.

'YOU THINK THEM SCRAGGLY CANINES IS HAPPY TO SEE YOU WHEN YOU FEEDS THEM' he growled in his most evil low tone. 'THINK HOW MUCH MORE THEYD BE HAPPY WHEN YORE COMIN AT 'EM PEICE BY SLIVVORY PEICE.'

an Acciddent

Before i end this update i want to tell my readors: Please do not feel ovorly sorry for me. You can be sorry for me a little for losing my job but part of my matturity process is to get ovor it and press ahead. They say that Opportunitiy happens like this: when one Door closes anothor opens. Or somtimes a window opens and you have to jump in the air a little higher to get it. And when you do somtimes your belt buckle gets cought on the sash and you tip foward and land headfirst on the pavemant 10 stories below on your friggin head. Or else as is in the case with me the Windowsill of Life slams shut on schween, And your stuck. And meanwhile your still inside the trailor and behind you your demmented Granfather is shootin tobbaco juice on the back of your head. But I digress.

I know things will look up for me and i will use this time to devvelop more writing prodjects. I apreciate offors of jobs (i already got 2 of these) but my 2 current asignments are the same ammount of money than my regulor job paid in totol so if i dont lose anymore jobs ill atleast make the same money i made lastyear. Plus i dont have a grilfreind to spend it on--thats a silvor lining.

About that acident. We stopped on the way home to buy another one of those foil 2 gallon boxes of white wine. As you know Granfather likes to slourp it tight out if the box with that lung tube of his. It is an ammazingly complicated process becuase he depresses his adbomen and diafragm, sucks hard and the liqiud goes up his trachea, into his gullet and then down his throat. Always a little comes out his nose in the process.

well around midnight while they were watchin the Weather Channol the old cow girlfeind starts screaming. I run out tothe living room and see a ghastley scene. Granfather is watching the TV with his eyes open and apears to of stopped breathing. He was drinkin the wine but i coud not find the box. All i saw was the plastic plug thing stickin out where the tube used to be--even the tube I coudnt see.

Oh CRAP

The amboulance reffused to come. I know our family is emergency room abusers, but they were nasty about it. We will probly sue them. Instead i drove the old bastord to the hospitol myself. The old bich was wailing the whole time. She kept sayin DONT DIE GRAMPY. And i thought to myself if he DID, then Id be stuck livvin with HER, cause her family threw her out on her waffled corrugated puckered ass for good only a month ago.

Well in any case Granfather did survive but will be a whole week in the hospittol. When I saw the X-Ray i coudnt frikkin believe it. This is a new one for the record books: ONE WHOLE LUNG was bright white on the screen. It was mettalic mattor showing up on the Xray. What hapened was, Granfather made a huge fart while sittin on the couch (acording to the forensic exam of the burnt areas of the fabric of the couch, from sceintists from The Institute for British Teratologgicol Studies who flew in to do research), and this massive intestinol gaseous expulsion caused the diaphgragm to move in the oposite direction, causing a massive low pressure system inside the poulmonary cavity

What this means in English

It means that the metallic box of white wine collappsed, scrunched itself up through the tube, and recappitulated itself inside Granfather's lung INSIDE OUT.

Later on I found out that Granfather actualy did this ON PURPOSE. And my angor upon hearing this is what caused me to break my promise and place the incodent of him atempting to cheat on his girlfriend on the World Wide Web for the world to read. And I am not afraed of his threats, eithor.

The old girlfreind confessed

She tearfully told us all at the hospitol what Granfather was trying to do: Fart through the tube. Can you imagine how hard that is. He had to force the gas up his colon, his lower intestine, then the uppor, then into the stomack and then up the esophaggus where he swallowed hard to force it down the gullet, the pharinyx, then the trachea, then the broncheals and into the lung and OUT THE TUBE.

After 3 sucessful tries, Granfather declaired victory, and decided to cellebrate by finishing the box of wine but little did he know that a graprfriut sized bubble of low pressore air still remained in his chest. When it flew into him it blew up again inside out and inside his lung into its exact rectangulor shape.

i asked the doctor: What makes Granfather do things like this? WHY...WHY does he do it?

The doctor now takes a phillosophicol veiw of the whole thing. He said to me: Granfather is such a performor in the circus of life with his disgusting escappades for the SAME reasen why a dog licks himself right there on the floor when you have a guest over. And WHY peopple load their websites with all sort of useless artwork:

BECUASE THEY CAN, THATS WHY.