Walter Miller's Homepage

In real life, we're nothin worse than, say, PG-13 or TV-14...Then why is evoryone so 'appalled?'

July 97 Update

Page 5 of 7

And its just as good Granfather stopped harranging me in the car too, becuase that old Hoe girlfreind of his woud of shredded his leathery boney ass with those long fingornials of hers if she ever found out.

Well we finaly got the TV fixed.

At the end of my last update I wrote about how Granfather blasted it with the shotgun because he coudnt stand watchin the Frugol Gourmet crying during a taped program.

I DONT MIND THE FRUGOL GOURMAY, I JEST CAIN'T WATCH A GROWED UP MAN BLUBBORIN ON THE ENTREES, he said. Plus he told me he saw the Galloping Guormet cry once, but it was years back, and on anothor program. Granfather said it was OK for culinery celebrities to shed tears, but NOT on PBS which recieves fedoral funds.

Later that night I saw Granfather once more soakin his grapes in scalding liqoud again. I said to him WHY BOTHER with an arckaic 3000 year old type of birth controle becuase his old cohabbitant is well past whelping age (while the blind date he wasnt entirely sure of).

This is a sick man

And Granfather told me he just likes the feeling of "his boys" gittin a happy slosh in there own little hot tub. By the way he was using an expensive rare collectoble cop. And I tell you i didnt think it was possoble for the Brightest red glaze offored by Fiestawear to turn pea green from contact with rancid mollecules from his body but thats what hapened to the inside of THAT danm cup.

Granfather was readin WIRED Magozine agian, this time a copy from a few months back. He started hollering that WIRED had featured this ('iconoclatsic' is a good word) developer who mentioned in the interveiw that at one time he liked to wipe his butt with napkins and throw them at people in public. Granfather was outraiged that this was somhow found to be worthey of ink.

"ESPECIALY EXPENSIVE FLOURRESENT INK!"

(Atcualy, I think the old bastord was jeolous that WIRED didnt write abbout HIM).

"AN' PC MAGOZINE CALLS ME 'SCATALOGICALLY OBSESSED'AND 'NOT-QUITE-HUMAN'" he screamed.

And just when I was sure he was furruiously angry with rage he looked up at me from his watery squat, narrowed his red pupils down to a smiley, slimy slit, pointed his fingor downward to what dangled below and said in a perfect Jon Luke Piccard voice:

"TEA; EARL GRAY: HOT."

And speakin of Star Trek:

The TV Almost gets destroyed again

It hapened just after Gramps dryed off from the giblet dunk. Our insurence premium rates on a dammaged TV was raised so many times it now costs the SAME PRICE as buying a new TV. Thats how many times hes busted the TV. Granfather called to hollor at the insurence company about the price increase, and after 5 minutes of him screamin at them they dropped our ass from covorage.

And the very night we get the new set plugged in, Granpy had a big stick in his hand ready to bust our new TV but I was able to talk him out of it. He was angored by a a certain repeat of DeepSpace 9.

Theres a couple of Reasens why DeepSpace 9 gets on Granfathers nerves

First you have to understand we are not talkin about the brightest man in the world: (He thinks the Space Station is a ship, and cant undorstand why it never moves away from the Wormhole; He keeps refering to Qaurk and Rom as 'Mister Spock.'; He keeps waiting for an eppisode that will feature Morn.)

Also Granfather keeps saying, whenever he sees the smiley Domminion guy with the curley black hair and blue eyes "WHAT THE HELL'S THE 'MAD ABOUT YOU' GUY DOIN' HERE?"

The olny reason Granfather even watches the show is cause he likes Worf but LOVES Captian Sisco. He admires Sisco's cool demeanor and abbility to keep evoryone's asses in line.

But heres' where the crankey old bastord lost it: it was the episoade where Major Kiera goes after the guy whos asasinatting her old Bajjoran Resistance freinds. In case you dont watch the show, shes like five foot two and 9 months pregnent and in one scene she fights off 5 armed Cardasians who are super-strenght reptilian creatures. (Sort of like Granfather, atcualy).

IT AINT BELEIVABLE!

THIS HERE SHOW JEST AINT REALISTIC! The old bastord screamed as he weilded the stick at the screen. And I said to him YEAH RIGHT, Granfather, but warp spaceships and multimedia bandwidth on the message consoles ARE.

Granfather mutters thruohgout the Deep Spac 9 show, anytime they ever mention 'The Bajoron Resistence', some regulor stupidity on how dont these people know that Resistence is Futile. Granrfather also cant fathom why Odoe has a crush on Major Keira cause he thinks shes skinny and ugly. "IF I WUZ MISTER ODOE I'D CUT MUH LEFT PINKY TOE OFF AN' SHAPE-SHIFT THET OLE DAWGIE INTO A BIG ASS-OLD NEKKED PARTY GAL.

An old joke

Its the oldest lamest danm joke in the world but I have to hear it everytime we have a powor outage or granfather discharges the shotgun (or any one of many bodily fliuds) at the TV and we have to reprogram the VCR. First Granfather asks if I know why the VCR blinks at '12:00'. You have to answor him. If you dont hell keep asking till you over and ovor intil you say, "NO Granfather I dont know." And then he tells you that its because its the exact time Emporor Hirohito died..

I AM CANNED

Yes Monday the last day of June it finaly hapened. I went into work earleir than usual which is about 8:30 (I usualy get there 8:40), and there was a Post-It note on my computer telling me to go to the conferrence room. I thuoght to myself OH CRAP! this is it. But theres only like 4 people who are in that early and none of them are in my department. So I went to the cofnerence room and it was empty and in the middle of the big table piled on top was a bunch of big 3-ring bindors of documentation and box of those sticky back reinforcments that look like flat white Cheerios that you lick and stick on the holes of 3 hole Punched paper leafs. (You know what I mean)..

They ocasionaly (and increasingley) assign me this type of asorted brainless work to do, and the week prior I did allot of these reinforcements and also made copies and did collating.. Part of my Probation meant less time doing coding and web devellopment. There was a note on top of the binders saying WALTER PLEASE DO RIENFORCEMENTS. So I thuoght to myself, OK mabye this isnt the day and mabye I will have a chance to inprove my work performance even bettor--aftor all I WAS on an upswing in the last 3 days of work with very few misteaks.