Walter Miller's Homepage

Hmmmm, I was suposed to of got rich by now already...

The First of Two Updates for January 1999

Page 1 of 6

Welcome to The Chronologicaly Late but EARLY JANAURY 1999 Update.
(Mabye make that 'chronically' late.)
Yes, I know its Febuary already. But its the thoght that counts. I actualy started writing it a month ago. Timing isnt evereything, you know. And that's comin from me, someone who hasnt got into the stock market yet. Oh well.

I beleive in Miracles

Yes, as long as I beleive in ghastly sceintific mistakes in Nature, why the hell not also beleive in miracles. (Especialy when they happen to ghastly sceintific mistakes, in this case, Granfather.)

In my last update i wrote that Granps was close to death as a result of a horroble unspeakable thing done to him by his two elderley brothers who were trying to kill him. Yes truly a very unspeakoble thing, that I wont speak of, but I will write about here on my website.

Granfather and his wacky girlfriend have a whole bunch of strange inventions they hope to get patents on. One of those inventions was somthing called Grout-with-Yeast which simpley is no more than commen bathroom tile cement with some baker's yeast mixed in. The idea behind this is to allow the user to spread the stuff onthe walls and then set tiles on top. This way they dont have to smear the stuff in the cracks betwean the tiles, becuase the grout will expand up in the cracks just like how bread rises, thanks to the yeast. Stuppid morons.

Anothor invention they came up with was a special enema that was suposed to work on naturol atmosphereic air pressure.

How Granfather's brothers treid to kill him

The speciel atmospherric enema realy consisted of a vinyl hose, and an emptey 55-gallen drum full of air and closed off on one end by a large circulor rubber bladder. Granps had the hose part of this speciel attmospheric enema up his ass while quietley awaiting an aproaching low presure system from the southwest. His brothers, my Uncle Will and Uncle Zeke snuck up on Granfather and dumped a huge pail of the of the Grout-With-Yeast into the emptey drum and then leaned on it hard while restraining him sending the white gluey intrudor deep into the basterd. Granfather lost conscousness for more than a month and it was only in Janaury that he came out of the coma.

Everyone thoght Granfather was going to die.

Instead, his brothers, who fled Texas and have now retturned to where they live on the east Coast are wanted only for Atempted Murder here insted of Murder, which is what they had hoped for.

"I'll gladly give my live in Texas' gallows to take the life o'my brother's," Uncle Will had reppeatedly said. (Texas dosent hang killers anymore, and ovbiously old Uncle Will moved away from here a long time ago).

Mixed blesings

Before the attack on Granps, I was initialy so upset at having to live with and take care of him because he is so mean, smelley, beastley and abusive. Then, after the asault, I was so afraid that we woud lose him, and I was wracked with guilt that he might die. Then, when he came out of his coma I was upsett once more. Because he is still mean and cruel as ever. I think i am one of these people who is never sattisfied no mattor how things turns out. Also there is the stink. The man smells like 700 elephent's asses, and that is not an exagerration.

A not very Happy New Years for me

Anyway the events suroundding the New Year was very deppressing to me.

I was invited to a party thrown by some people at my job. OK, I wasnt really invitted but i went anyway. It was one of those broad invittations where evereyone was walkin around the office saying, "Are you goingto Tom's party? Yes I am going to Tom's party. Are you goin to Tom's partey?"

I hate when peopple do that. What are you suposed to do on these 'open invitation' things? Do you say 'Yes' even when no one has said anything to you? This makes you look like a jerk if you are in fact not invited.

I dont know what it is but I think peoplle take a certian delight in the exclusion of othors. And i always feel like I am the one being excluded.

My pain in the ass boss

My pain in the ass former boss I shoud say. She is the pushy codependent little nag who allways has to inject herself in the lives of othors. She is alwayes petting my arm and it drives me up the danm wall. I dont know I just feel skeevy when peopple touch me when I am not ready for it.

So she says to me, "Ooooh, are you goin to Tom's party?," and I said NO and she said "why not," and I said I do not KNOW why not, and she actualy said she was going to ask Tom why.

So I begged her: Please do NOT ask him why. It is his party for Godsake, not mine.

But she is so pushey and nosy and so concerned that my "feelings woud be hurt", that the only way I coud get her to NOT ask Tom why he didnt invite me to his party, was to promise her that I woud assume that it was an open ended invittation and show up anyway. And so i went.

The party was in this awfull looking brandnew nieghborhood of ugly atached townhouses all made of this grey vynal siding thats suposed to look like driftwood. The kind of ugly suburb with no trees, but where all the streets are named after all the trees that used to be there before they tore them up to build the frigin neighberhood.

Anyway I got there extremly early and it was kind of enbarasing because no one was there. I am extremly shy. It is hard for me to mix with people i dont know. Before long the place filled up with people from both Cyberblop, which is the compeny I work for), and also Corporate, which is the company that owns Cyberblop.

I hate the Cyberblop crowd. They are all a bunch of wannabes, but you can nevor tell what they want to be. Also there is a prepponderance of white minivans, black Acuras and tiny red pickups, the lattor being driven by the highest propportion of non-native Texans.

A few people said to me, "What the hell are you doin here," becuase they coud tell I was not invited. There was a guy tending bar at the partey and so i got some drinks.

I am a jerk

I had two sombreros but like a jerk i did not reallize they have dairy in them. A sombrero is a drink made of Kallua and cream. As you know i am lactose intollorant. After the second one I told the guy tending bar he better give me just strait Kallua. I had, like three more of them. From there things started goin downhill. I cannot hold my liqour. About 2 or three times a year I get fall-on your-ass-drunk. (It is not like I have a drinking problom, or anything: as long as i do not drink I am fine.)

The next thing I knew i was outside on Tom's little postege stamp sized patio crammed onto a loungechair making out with this girl i just met. Did you ever have too much too drink and as a result you mak out with somone you dont know. But you are not drunk enuogh to avoid thinking to yorself even while it is going on: Oh crap. This is pretty disgousting.