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The belatad Spring 2000 Update in 3 pitiful parts: Febuary, March and April

You are on Page 3 of 5
Of Part 1 of 3 (Febuary part)
Granfather is acting more crazy than evor. Also my brother and his wife are visitting from California. They came in for Christmas, and stuck around till Febuary. Granfather hates both of their guts and the feeling is likewise. It was intensified by a gift they got the old geezor for Christmas that he took great offense at. The three of them were screamin at eachother. Granfather was standin on the rickety porch hollerin down at the two of them. My brothor and his wife have a baby and while they were all screamin the baby was cryin and hollerin inside the car seat.

What they were fighting about

My brother (lucky bum) was able to quit his job with a pile of cash cause the company he worked for in California got boght out and he had stock up the wazoo. Here in Texas they have property in the next county that they are thinking of develloping and so they rented a trailer abuot 30 minutes away. The real estate prices across the county line are drammaticaly higher once you are downwind enough from GRANFATHER which is what they wanted.

Granfather's dislike for my brothor is heightonned even more because the cheap old basterd thinks he is entitled to some of my brothor's money. This is because Granfather saved my brothor's life once when he was 8 years old by donating some blood; (which is only a family legend; as you know, Granfather is a unique semi-human X-Files-like creatoure who really dosent have a normal human circulotory system, or for that matter, liquid blood. Instead he has goopy stuff that looks like Kudzu jelly full of all those red and green chewey lookin nodules that you find suspended in holiday fruitcakes. The entire jiggly mass disgustingly pulsates within heaving and contracting cavities thruoughout the interior of his insectlike thorax of a chest.)

Up on the porch Granfather was wearin nothin but an adult diapor and he was throwin stuff at them, like tools and cans of bug spray and screamed at them, "AH DONE GAVE YOU MAH BLOOD, YOU INGRAITE! MAH DANM BLOOD!"

I am meek and have a rathor soft backbone when it comes to confrontation. My brothor is allot better at standing up to Granfather than me. He hollered back, "Get bent! Your not gettin no money!"

"THEN GIVE ME SOME STOCK!"

"I cashed my stock in!" my brother screammed.

"WAAL, THEN GIVE ME SOME STOCK WARRANTS!"

"Warrants? You don't even know what stock warants are," yelled my brother, "How 'bout a warrant for your arrest!"

""I SAVED YER DAMN LIFE, WHEN YOU RODE YER DANM BIKE IN THET DITCH AND AH DONE GIVE YOU MAH DANM BLOOD!

"SO AH DESERVE MAH CUT O'THET THAR INFLATED OVERPRICED INTERNET STOCK I.P.O. CYBERBUCK DOLLARS!"

My brother said in return, "You're getting SQUAT, you old basterd!"

"OH YEH? WAAL, THEN I GOT ONE THANG TO SAY TO YOU," Granfather screammed, "DUBYA-DUBYA-DUBYA-DOT- KISS MAH ASS DOT-COM !!

Then Granfather sort of winced and bit down hard as his scraggly hands gripped the splintory porch railing. You coud tell he was tryin to force out a giant fart. That in itself is disgousting but there is more:

Granfather has horobble powers

Yes, reppulsively amazing powers that are supernaturol but in an evil way. Do you know how people are able to use ventquilotrism to throw their voice? How they sort of modify their lips so the sound travels to a place far from where they are standing? Granfather can do this with his ass.

Sudenly I heard my sisterinlaw shout from inside the car. She held a steyrofoam cup of coffee in her hand and she tossed it out in the yard, hollering in fear, screaming that the liqiud somehow started to bubble on its own. Also that it smelled like bubbling crap. Jus like humans throw their voice, Granfather threw his fart.

"DANM. I MISSED," the old basterd muttered, "I WAS TRYIN' TO SEND THET ONE RIGHT IN YER HUSBAND'S FACE." Evil, supernaturol devil bastord.

A fusillade of rocks and cans

Granps and my brother continued screamin and throwin every item they had handy at eachother including bottles, cans, stones and tools. Again the old basterd winced and shuddored. I heard off to my left somthing that sounded like cellophane being rustled and turned around to see fully 20 feet away, a flimsey cotton curtain in a window of the toolshed mysterriously flutter and then burst into flame. A distinked odor suddenly filled the air, that of the famous Haloween prank of dogdoo burning inside a brown paper bag.

"AH DONE MISSED AGINN!" Granfather spat, "MY AIM SURE IS GITTIN' POORLY IN MAH OLD AGE."

"You're a monstrous slob!," my sister in law screamed while fanning the stink away from herself.

"SHUT UP, YOU OL' HAINT!" Granfather shouted back. "MAH ASS CAN DO MARVELS! MAH ASS DONE GOT A HIGHER I.Q. THAN YOU AN' YER DANM HUSBAND PUT TOGETHER!"

A "Haint" in case you dont know is a rural Texas word for a pain in the ass witch. The old basterd then did somthing that crossed the line. Like many lowclass rural folk we have old rusting appliances out front and also on the front porch and among them was an old electric range which hasnt worked for years and Granfather started removing the knobs from it and winging them at my brothor's head. My brothor scooped up a handful of claydust and pebbles and tossed it high at Granfather. In return the old bastard took one of those round wroght iron burners off the stove and held it above his head and shook it.

My brothor said, "Yeah, you just THINK about throwin that at me." Meanwhile I had to take a leak really bad but coudnt go into the trailer cause they were fighting.

Granfather contineud to wave the wroght iron burner over his head and posed in a dramatic stance like Xena the Warrior princess, his yellow reptilian eyes ablaze.

"Throw it, and die!" my brothor said. My sister in law was hollerin too. Granfather started to make that high-piched noise that Xena makes when she is about to throw that round weapen of hers, "LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI-LI!!!"

And then finaly just when we all thought he wasnt going to throw it the old basterd DID throw it,

right at my brothor's head.