Walter Miller's Homepage

"I PUT IN A FIFTY BY MISTAKE AN WAS JUST TRYIN TO GIT IT BACK!"
--Granfathors feable (and uninteligoble) excuse screamed at an ambulence crew who found him in 1992 with his tongue coght in the doller bill slot of a sofdrink machene; he was later arested for theft

Mid-Feb 97 Update

Page 6 of 7

Then my brother called from California. The doctor got my mesage & proudly relayed it tothe famly. Him and my sisterinlaw said WAY TO GO WALTER. Then I went to the vet & got the medicine plus for pilot use he gave me a speciel trial size glycerin based gorilla ass cream from Botswanna.

That night to be safe I lashed the beast with packing tape to a chair in the livin room. I must of used 50 damn rolls. He was like a cocoon. He drifted in & out mumbling 'YOURE DEAD BOY'.

At 7am the next day to grampys suprise (but not mine) his old flabby girlfrend shows up at our door. She drove ALL NIGHT. YES Id called her the day prior right after he made fun of me at breakfest.

Why i called

My original intention was to fink him out by tellin her about the other woman. But I lost my nerve--Instead, Like a jerk, I said he misses her & she shoud come back EARLIER. Boy that was dumb cause i didnt want her around AT ALL: YES anothor sterling exampol of selfdestructove behavor.

I am a jerk

When granfather heard her at the door he demanded I cut him loose with the boxcutter. He made me sware NOT to tell her about the other woman--and certanly dont tell her ABOUT THE RASH.

I said: ONLY if he didnt hit me when he got loose. He agreed & said ITS A DEAL.

The old biddy was worryed as we hadnt let her in yet, poundin her fleshy fist onthe door trilling out in a warbly high voice, rattlin our rickety trailor door with her fat belly & elbows aganst it so I had to cut fast.

As soon i cut the beast free he smacked me on his way to the door and laghed and said I LIED. He also threatened me if I STILL didnt keep quiet on "My part of The Deal" hed pull my scrotum up over my head an ears then tie it under my chin like a Eastor bonnet.

Yeah right some 'deal' we had. Like a jerk, i kept quiet anyway.

Reunnited

The first thing she notices is the wrench danglin from his ample honker and of cuorse the glib old coot that he is, he says somthin like WAAL, ALL THEM YOUNG FOLKS GIT THERE NIPLES PEIRCED AND PUT STICKPINS THRU THE NOSE WHY NOT ME. They hugged & smooched gettin stuck togeter with a crackly noise from the tape glue still on him.

Then they had breakfast. Granfather has SOME NERVE--just 24 huors prior he was havin brekfest with another womon. I smelt somthing funny & coudnt belive my eyes.

How discusting

The 2 old fogies were smearin some spreadoble white stuff on there raisin toast lickin & smackin it out of this blue jar makin all these slurpy delicios noises.

I said: What is that? Granfather said YOU CANT HAVE NONE BOY ITS OURS. He said it was York Peppormint Patty filling--just for the 2 of them and I was ecxluded from being alowed to "GET THE SENSATION." Im glad for it too cause it wasnt that at all but realy a jar of Noxema the othor womon left behind. I wasnt gointo tell him.

She finds out about the othor woman

Yup, and i had nothin to do with it. That night while the old basterd was in the john with minty Noxema diarhea, I hear screams from his bedroom quickly folowed by morose wailing. The old lady was rummaging inthe trash pail and found somthing that gave proof of his cheatin heart: A whole IRC chat room log printed out.

Ill leave you in suspense as to what hapened till the next update. But i will say there was lots of yellin, screamin, fisticuffs, even a bloody fencing match with each using one of those campy 3 foot long giant deccrative wooden fork & spoon pairs which are mounted on tacky trailor kitchon walls thruout the Western U.S. You know the ones. Granps got hurt most: The bitch had the fork.

Other items were thrown aroun the house as well by the scorned jeolos woman like a small cast iron trivit that fell off the wall onto the stove durin the frackas and got so hot it glowed red. The old hoe flung it across the kitchon at him with a pair of tongs. Granfather had shoplifted this trivit from a giftshop inthe Pensylvania Dutch Contry before i was born & there were words in the center of it that read:

`TOO SOON OLD UND TOO LATE SCHMART`

Now those words are seared backwords for life on the old bastards face just above his eyebrow. And when he looks in the mirrer he can read it frontwords.