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Early Decembar 1997/Post Thanskiving Update

Page 2 of 6

Granfather was releassed from that jail (where my last update ended) on his own recoggnocence for startin that fight with his brothor, Uncle Zeke in the barbaceu restuarant.

The next day my Dad caled from California. Him and my stepmom said they were flying in to spend Thanskgiving here at Granfather's house. Zeke was gettin ready to leave to drive back East but decidded to stay for Thansgiving too. Granfather was very pissed about this, cause he hoped his brothor woud leave.

The 2 of them are very compettitive

As i mentionned both of them used to be in this Secret Societey of people who collect weird things, but Granfather had got thrown out of the club years back for bein a cheat and a crook. Uncle Zeke was just promotted to the Purple Turban Ordor of the Yellow Stone which is sort of like Level 32 but they are bolth secretive about it so I dont know allot of details.

Early that morning when i was outside feeding the dogs, Uncle Zeke openned his car trunk. It was packed full of crap that he just took to a convention of the secret colectors, in Southorn California. Some of it he just obtainned, and the rest he'd bruoght with him to trade. It was a pile of the usual crap like telagraph insulators, old ballpoint pens and boxes of old bus transfer slips from the 1930s.

He showed me these fat three ring bindors full of plastic pages and on each page was a ton of these little stickors that go on bunches of bannanas. Suposedly Uncle Zeke has one of the preimier colections of these in the world. They go way back to the 1880s. He had anothor big display, of Bicentenniol matchbook covors. Useless crap all, if you ask me.

It was boring the hell out of me

I have no interrest in this stuff but i indulged him. Granfather screamed at us from inside the trailer cause he is jeallous of his brothor's colections plus hes mad he was thrown out of the Secret Sosiety. He stuck his ugly face out the bathroom window with his scrawny claws grippin the window sill, and spit at us both. He can spit like 30 feet. Did you ever see Wild Animal Kindgom where they show the slow mottion film of the cobra spitting big looping waiving streams of venom? Just like that ecxept he does it thruogh his teeth and his aim is ALLOT better.

It is like livving with a large, demonic child

I looked up at his surly troll face scowling at us from the tiny louvered window. I said, "Granfather you are suposed to be sittin on the bowl NOT standin up at the window."

He repplied "KISS ME WHAR THE LIGHT DON'T SHINE, BOY."

You may recongize that rude coment as an adulterration of the phraise "Kiss me where the SUN dont shine", but in Granfather's case there are indeead sevoral locations on his reppulsive horroble body which eithor look or smell SO BAD that when the doctor shines a flashlihgt there to ilumminate the dark crevvices, bulbs will actualy crack and batterries will split down the side leakin acid. Not only is he awfull to look at and smell, he is an imature and selfish man who likes to hurt othors he is envious of and tourture those he is stronger than. He has absollutly no redeeming qaulities as a hueman being: OR an animal.

Uncle Zeke got splasched in the eye with tobaco juice spit which was met with the shreiking sound of monkeylike hoots of delight from my apelike ancestor who we coud tell was dancing and hopping in the small window. Zeke flipped him the bird then grunted that he was insulted and woud rather eat his brekfast in the diner in town than sit at the same table with his rude reptilian brothor. He lumbered off to his car and drove off in a storming, 10 mile an huor huff.

"GOOD! MORE EGGS FER ME", Granfather yapped.

Anothor rejection

You may remember that in a past update I wrote how I interveiwed with this company (which i will not name) when I went to Siggraph in August. It was a good deal--20 flexoble hours a week which i coud work around my current job, The Netly News. I even got a nice recomendation from Netly, (Frankley, i think theyd be happy to get rid of me).

Well this company gave me my third phone interview at the end of Octobor. They said theyd DEFINITLY let me know if I was hired by Friday Nov 14.

I called them up on that day and they said they still didnt descide. So i called agian on the 21st. They they said they STILL didnt mak their mind up yet But woud DEFINITLY call me by end-of-day the 24th.

Now it was the 26th and still no call. Well i called once more and was very polite on the phone but they sounded pissed. Now my atitude is: The hell with them. How the hell do these danm compenies stay in business if they cant keep their word. Meanwile if you worked for them and missed a deadline, you are fired.

I told my therappist about this and she said that if I act compullsive and too desperrate it will be interprited as a form of emotionallism which is a real turn off. But I did NOT do anything wrong. Pardon ME for takking them at THIER word. They are the ones jerkin ME arround.

This is the 5th compeny this year that did not call or send a lettor by the time they SAID they would. From now on, every danm internet new media bozo that cannot keep their word, I will call them aftor their own self-inposed deadline and RIDE THEIR ASS.

A bath for the beast

We have this old whirlpool hot tub set up out inthe yard next to the trailor and Granfather is supossed to soak in it twice a week for one hour with epson salts to help the boils on his ass and legs. First you haveto chase all the scorpians an centipeads outof it with a whisk broom. Then I fill it with hot wator. After my uncle stormed out to eat his braekfast in town I sat the old monstor in the tub on the molded bench inside it, with the wator level up to his chest.

Then I went inside to answor my e-mail. Once agian i will say to my readers, please give me a week or so to answor your notes. I try to answor every peice of e-mail i recieve an somtimes I get backlogged.

My heart skipped a beat becuase I saw that one email was from one of the managers at the Netly News (which is my current job). They had promised me 2 trips a year to there main ofice in New York City where they are based. So far they only gav me one trip and the year is running out. Im hopeing i can go in Decembor for Internet World. I love internet World.

Instead it was NOT a good email note as i thuoght it woud be. It was my Quartorly Work Peformence Analysis from my Department Supervizor.

Once agian: I am referred to as what is called a 'High Maintonence Employee'

I wont go into the detailes of the note but lets just say that it DOSENT look like I;ll make it to N.Y, City agian this year. This is one of the reasons i am lookin for annother job.

While I went thruogh my E-mail I had Jewel's CD in the drive and my earplugs on. Man is that Jewol a sweet lookin babe. Sudenly I noticed a penny and a dime on my computor table start to slowley move all by itself across the table. I thuoght it was my imagination but they were moving, very very slowley. At the same time I felt the alunimum walls vibratting cause I was leaning against it. I took the earpluggs out and that is when i heard the screams. Granfather was hollering so loud the whole danm trailer was vibratting THAT BAD.

I went outside an saw what hapenned.

Granfather was stuck. He slid off the bench and into the deeper wator in the center of the tub so the water was way up to the top of his neck. i tried to pull him out but coudnt get a grip.

This is discousting

Considor yourself warned. I ran in the house to get a large pot to bail him out. When i came back outside the pitch of the bloodcourdling screamms had changed considorrably because at this point he sank lowor, and now only his awful nose was stickin out of the roiling bubbling water, yes only his nose, like the dorsol fin of a tiny miniture shark, who insted of being covored in silken white shark leathor, was covored in Granfather's normol, healthey eppidermal hide of rancid colored brownish greasey orrange hot dog skin. It circled in the dark wator omminously.

Thruogh the gaping flaring nostrils I actualy heard words sputtored and screammed at me, althuogh I coud bareley descern what he was tryin to say: Granps was tryin to comunnicate that he did NOT want me to bail the wator out as this woud affect the particulor 'bouyancy' of the problem; This had hapenned before in the past, twice as a mattor of fact since I lived here. If you dont know what hapenned by now i will tell you--one of the old bastord's testocles was cought in the center drain of the hot tub.

Shrieking subhuman vicious bastord

There is only one way to free him from this. Bolth times before i was the one who got him out. I went in the trailor agian and got a scuba mask and snorkol and went under the hot water and gentley fished the truant ball out of the depths of the drain with one of those woodon handled spatulas that has the soft white rubbor end with the rounded curved top in the shape of Gumby's head that you use to get the last drop out of the mayonaise jar. I think Rubbermaid makes them.

Granfather was growling and in shock. While I was dryin the bastord off inside the trailor with some big fluffey towols he bit me on the hand an woudnt let go for like 10 minutes. It was my best typing hand. I started cryin an he slapped me an beat me screamming like crazy an threw Ajax in my eyes and he complained and accused me of forgetting that i was suposed to make sure he has plenty of WD-40 soaked on his scrotum BEFORE goin in the tub just in case--But just like those othor two times he got stuck I HAD FORGOT, and now i was paying the conseqeunces of his beating. He was tryin to get me in the face with his big watorlogged-giant-raisin-surfaced-paw of a hand, but the way I turned all he hit me on was my shouldor so it wasnt so bad.

The only way i coud get Granfather to unleash my danm hand was sprey him with some Micanozol sprey which was the only thing I coud reach and is normaly used for the old beast's ringworm rash. I put the nozzel in his moulth and pressed hard. IT WAS THE OLNY WAY to get him off. An added benefit: A frostbit tounge for the next hour. And perhaps no ringworm in his moulth. As usual the old son ofa Bich wound down once i plopped him back in the wheelchair and gave some whisky and put him in front of the TV cause The Montel Willaims Show was just coming on. Granfather loves Montel. Then I called the doctor to ask what I should do now.

The doctor told me that next time it happens I shoud hold his friggin head down under the water till he drowns. Then he woud gladley sign the death certifocate to say it was an acident. This is how bad the doctor hates granfathers friggin guts.