Walter Miller's Home Page

In this world, you they say you eithor lead, or you follow. But lateley i am just spending most of my time sittin on my ass waiting for webpages to load.

Mid-Febuary 98 Valentins Day Update

Page 6 of 7

Do you know how when you are at somone's house peeing, how enbarassing it is for people to hear you? This hapens allot when you live in a trailer, and Ive noticed that many of our guests run the sink water or turn on the cieling fan. Well, by the time i realized I was makin so much noise, i coud not REACH the sink faucat, or the wall switch because it was such a danm big bathroom.

Well it by the time it was all finnished, it was a huge leak I made. Granfather pees mabye 20 times a day beccause he is old, but me, I am like a camel. When i finaly DO go, it can take like seven minuts, or so it seems. I had asparogus the night before and also Ive been taking vitomins and iron pills, plus I am on a certian meddication i do not like to talk about, and to make a long story short my rather concentraited whiz against the white bowl was this increddible dark bright yellow color like movie house popcorn oil with a klieg lamp shining on it ecxept it had this fluroescent quality to it.

WHY am i telling you all this? Becuase I was looking at it a long time: Why did i look at it a long time? BECAUSE THE TOILAT DIDNT FLUSH.

I begin to panic.

when i pushed the lever it went: "CLANK!" Yes, no tension, no pressuure, no movement of the floater bar, just the most horrifyeing noise an akword Gentolman Caller like myself can ever experrience in the home of a pretty rich potential date: "CLANK!"

It was unbearoble. i did not want to go out with this girl now eithor. It was all over. ALL OVER, I tell you.

I coudnt keep track of the time but I later found out that it was 35 minutts I was in there. Belive me I had thoght about lifting the giant porcelian tank covor and seeing if I coud pull the float bar, or perhapps re-atach the lever chain or somthing like that; (I assure you, living with Granfather, I am an expert in fixing toilets)--but i chickoned out.

But I KNEW if I had tried, with my luck, my awful, horroble terible luck, I was positive the covor woud of slipped from my hands and smashed into thuosand smithoreens on the cerramic tiles.

After ten minutes of hearing, "Did this guy fall in there or WHAT" finally Darlenes father knocked on the door and said "You allright in there son?"

I opened it and started talkin real fast, "Oh Crap, your toilat wont flush Im so sorry i broke it Im so so so so sorry."

He told me to calm down, and said, "WELL LETS TAKE A LOOK." So he liftad up the lid. There was my wee in there blazing like the sun, because right abbove on the ceilling was one of those halojin heat lamps that I once saw on the news you can fry a steak on.

Looking at your own bodilly waste with a strangor is enbarassing I'd always thought, but this was the least of my probbloms.

A chip off the old block: But not MY block.

Darlenes father lifted the giant tank covor and wiggled the float bar. Just as he did that, I heard a little bit of water sqiurting. Sudenly, there was somthing else in the wator. Yes, a little peice of somthing; a chip from a turd, presumably from a prior visitor to the bathroom that must of been stuck under the rim of the bowl, or else was hiding down there in the trap. The wiggling of the float bar must of loosened it. Then Darlines father said he had to go take his shirt off becuase he had to stick his arm down there, and also get his tools, AND SO HE LEFT THE BATHROOM.

Oh, Yuck.

The little chip was mabye the size of a cocktail weenie, exept it was thin as a dime. There was one of those silent underwater leaks from the tank up abbove that was dribbling out into the front and center of the toilat; the kind of leak that dosent even make a ripple in the bowl, and the only way you even know it is there is by obserrving the action the underwater currents have on any lightwieght items that happan to be in the bowl by tossing it to and fro: In this case, a small black leaf-like dark crap chip that apeared to be doing joyous backflips by rising way up to allmost the surface and then diving, twerling and circling to the yellow depths below. To my horror i turn arround and there is Darlene and her mom standin next to me.

They are both holding there mouths. Alls I can do is point to the bowl and say in a cracking voice very deffensively "THAT DOES NOT BELLONG TO ME."

The date is ovor.

Ten minuts later as I sat in the livving room all alone on thier fancy white fluffey couch Darlenes mothor came in with this sad smile on, which is the same face that the lady at Humon Resuorces has right after you are fired and she tells you that you were not at the company long enuogh as to quallify for there pension plan, and not only that your network passwords wont work no more, so dont even try logging on.

She told me in a stilted yet kindly and very low voice that they just recieved ovor the telephone some very bad news regarding Darlene's grandmothor.

I decidded to be a little bit of a pain in the ass and so I said, (very politely), "In THIS house? I didnt hear no phone ring." In any case i told her that i was sorry that she died, and that i undorstood that Darline realy did want to go out with me but undor the circomstances it woud not be posible today.

I have found "The Color of My Parashute": I am a Proffessional Blind Date

Ah yes the fammous 'Dead Grandmother' line. I have gotton that line ecaxtly 3 times in my dating career. Usualy the girl asks to be excused, and what she is realy doing is tracking down a sympathettic party to call her at the restuarant and give her the so-called "bad news." But this was a first: I have never gotton the dead Grandmother line from the girl's mother, prior to the date even starting.

On the way home, all i coud think of was, i wish I woud of asked both Darlene and her mother separatley was it her mother's mother or father's mothor who just died. MABYE NEXT TIME.