Walter Miller's Homepage

Yeah, I'm sick in the head for writing it...But what does that make YOU for readin it?

Late Febuary 98 Update

Page 1 of 7

I cannot take the hiccups anymore.

I wrote last time abuot Granfathers hickups. Theyve gotton more loud and more scary than you coud ever imagine. The worst is how he looks when hes doin it. His eyes pop out like those old black an white military pictures of the guy gettin slapped with G forces. His neck contracts so mutch that all of those cables running up the sides are exposed, and you can atcually see his spiny vertabreys push foward from the FRONT of his neck to poke out of his danm throat. With each face spasm you can see every gnarley bone and skeletol feature on his prehistoric, Austrolopithocene skull. The worst is if he dosent have a shirt on. You think the little thing from Alien is gonna pop out of his sternum.

The whole thing with his sinuses this time of year is alwayes a problem but this year it is incredibble. Of course like any ignorent American who is unable to acount for the unexplained, and who wants to sound inteligent, Granfather blames El Nino.

Its been a ruogh couple of weeks

As you know the '98 Winter Olimpycs have been on. Granfather insists on watchin it all. Our neihgbors who are suing him for causing there parrots to make peurile sounds are now insisting that the danm birds have picked up a savage growl from Granfather. It is his growl from whenever an American dosent get a medal.

A appalling, horroble, disgousting dentol floss Experament

Sub-human? Did sombody say "sub-hueman, boys and girls? Granfather as you know has been trying to get into the Giuness Book Of Records or atleast America's Stupidest Bastord Tricks. His latest plan involves threadding a single peice of dental floss thruogh his entire alimentary canal. Cinammom flavored red floss is his favorite, and so the reppulsive old goat has gotton a large size box of it, and tied one end of it to a large chrome stove bolt. Next, he slathored up the bolt with Vaseline and then swallowed it. He is hoping that once its threadad all thruogh his body to the end, he will invite a news crew to send along a camera team to record this horroble, historical if not disfunctionol intestinal event.

The doctor has vehemently advized agianst this latest awful project. But later on he gave in, and even sugested that if it succeeds, perhaps next year I shoud try to convince Granfather to swalloew an electricol cord next, with all of the plastic sheathing stripped off. Then when the bastord is sleeping, we coud plug it into the wall. (The doctor said that other than an instant, painless and humane death by electricuttion, the worst part about it may be the smell of burnt chitlins arround the trailer. This is the new doctor, and allready he is disillusioned enuogh as to have regular fantacies about legalized Youthenassia.)

In the meantime, what Granfather is referring to the point of entry of his mouth as "Point A". When you look at "Point A" , there is a large thread of waxy cinnamon dental floss coming out of his mouth, which then loops up into his nose, and then comes out of his moulth once again to hold it in place; the thread contineus to the box of floss which he keeps in his shirt pocket.

Next Stop: "Point B".

Based on the antissipated peristaltic schedule of the beast, we expect the happy clank of chrome on porcelain somtime arround March 1st.

Also, as you coud of guessed: My dates did not go well.

In my last update i wrote abbout how I placed personol ads in a local circulor, and got three responces. I was hoping atleast one of the dates woud of turned out well, but all 3 were failures.

WELL WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU ECXPECTING.

I will write abuot my dates later in this update.

Also: more problemns:

Proffessionaly things are not going well eithor. They have been dropping broad hints, (very broad hints) for me to look for annother job. I think it is becuase they do not want to have to give me sevverence pay. As you know I work from home and drive into the office one day a week. You can tell they are broad hints because 2 weeks ago when I came in, they had moved a Zerox machene and a scanner into my cube. Then one week ago they also moved in an ellectric stapler and the fax machene for our floor, and they removed my name plate strip from the litle nameplate holder on the side of the cube and put a new nameplate in its place that says:

COPY STATION / FAX

My old nameplate strip was left on my desk chair. I asked them what shoud I do with it and they said to me, "Say, why not put it on the wall of your room at home." But meanwhile I do not HAVE any room on the wall of my room because of the giant Fart Chart that Granfather put there, at the insistance of a U.S. Govorment publication, (which i wrote about in my last update.) I tried to explain this to them, but do you know what they said? They said to me, (while walking away): "WHATEVER."

Also evveryone got new nameplate strips: ECXEPT ME. They are discontineuing the old blue nameplate strips and replaicing them with gray ones.

The day they handed them all out, I asked, "WHERES MY NEW NAMPLATE?", plus i also asked for a new nameplate strip holder to attach it next to the one that's there, (to go next to the one that says COPY STATION / FAX), and they said, "SORRY WALTER WE DONT HAVE THE BUGDET FOR IT."

Plus they were realy cheerful each time they spoke to me. Also, all day I had peoplle who usualy are mean to me and ignore me, instead complimenting me on ridiculuos things like: How nice I am, how much they like me "personally", and even conpliments on my pants. They are black jeans for Godsake. Evereyone wears them.

In this industrey, do not ever trust peopple at work who are normaly hard-asses when they start bein all cheerful to you. It cannot be a good sign. I came up with a law to describe it:

Walter Underscore Miller's Law of The Workplace # 1:
"The increase in the ammount your ass is kissed by co-workers is directley propportionol to their furtive and incremental knowlegde that that same ass will be handed to you imminently by management."

Anothor sad note for me: Why does my life suck so much?

Also, sadly, the Walter Miller cartoon prodject looks like it might fall thruogh. And just when the concepts, like the crust on Granfather's eyes when he falls asleeap in front of the TV, were starting to 'jell' as they say.

Me and the cartoonist and 2 othor guys may be lookin to prodduce it on our own. If anyone out there runs a company that wants to fund it, please write to me and let me know. My freind Manny who knows about these things says that merchandise is the way to go, and we were also planning to sell crap on the site. Perhaps Granfather(TM) figurines, caps, and T-shirts will be big sellers.

I am sure we will sell allot of Bastord(R) Figourines as demon idols to local natives in remote jungle areas, and perhaps the witch doctor in the village woud be willing to increase his "scare" factor amongst the villagers by wearing one of the T-shirts, featuring a cartoon of the freakish coot on the front saying, "WHUT THE HELL'RE YOU LOOKIN AT?"

The Olympecs were not over soon enuogh

I normaly like the Olympics. But i cannot stand watching them when Granfather does not stop screamin at the TV for one minute. He is sutch an incredoble pain in the ass. Of cource I haveto sit there on the sofa with him because i dont want to miss any of it. I coud write a dissertattion on all of the anoying things he does: Screaming about the time delay, hollering at Kennedy and her offbeat reports, and continualy shouting each time he sees a Canadian athlete cause he thinks those red jester hats they wear look "fruity."

"NO WONDER THEY GOT POT SMOKIN' SNOWBOARDERS, WHUT WITH THEM FRUITY HATS" said the bastord the othor day, with his reticulated prehensile toungue stuck allthe way to the bottom of the longneck bottol of Bosco choclate Syrup. You know how deep it goes.

Instead of a disertaton howwevor, I have compiled a list on a sepparate page (in no parrticulor order), of "THE TOP TEN ANOYING THINGS GRANFATHER DOES DURING THE 1998 WINTER OLIYMPICS."

You can CLICK HERE to read the Top 10 now (with easy access back to this update)

Or you can CLICK HERE to contineu reading this Update.