Janaury 1998 Update

Page 2 of 6

And if i do NOT entertain him: I GET HIT.

Alls I know is that i sure as hell better be payin atention to the show because I nevor know when I will be called on to explain somthing, expand on a plot theme, repeat dialog he missed, or iddentify a guest cast membor. The penalty for messing up is a mean pinch from his unhuman clawlike talons and somtimes a slap too.

I am just an animol whenevor 90210 or Melrose Place is on

I am like a trained poodle in a dysfunctionol animal act in one of the former Soviet republics, who is fed only dry dogfood and is forced to enterttain humorless dour cheap German and Dutch tourists on holiday who are tryin to get more bang for their ruble by atending a misorable illegal circus being held in an old ripped Army tent lit with a bare light bulb in the parkin lot of what used to be known as The Lenin Hotel.

Where i balance a beach ball on my nose while being whipped by a fat drunken ringmaster named Boris wearing a brown corduroy tuxedo 2 sizes too small for him who used to be a disgraced nucular scientist, where if I drop the ball, i will be slapped into my Cold War Era pet carrier and be trucked nine hours ovor unpaved road to an evil veterinairian who was trained in Bucharest who drinks even more than Boris does to be castrated with a blintz knife.

YES, THAT IS RIGHT.

Granfather has eleven toes, three nipples, a gonad gopped in a drain gap, and now, BY FORCE, two extra eyes and ears which bellong to ME that I must use to guide him while the abusive sonoffobich is watching Beverly Hills 90210. (Granfather also brags that he "has the heart of a small boy." I beleive he keeps this item in a jar under the sink.)

As I write these very words, we are only in the first 15 minuts of the show, and yet so far i have said to him:

NO, Granfather, i do NOT have an answor as to why Kellie's breasts are now twice the size as they were last seasen, while Donna's seemed to of shrunk.

NO, i dont know how Noah, when he boght the condom out of the vending machine in the mens room of the Peach Pit, KNEW that David was in the stall takin a crap, so David woud see him, and get jealous. (Jeallous over Donna).

NO i do not know why Noah and Donna ordered the extra hot wax for $10 at the carwash where David works at, when we all know that the hot wax comes out of the nozzol for free anyway, and besides: As pissed as David is at Noah over what hapened while he was in that stall floating his load, isnt he affraid that David woudnt do somthin to mess up his car anyway?

And NO, NO, NO, the girl in the Dutch bangs wearin the cocktail dress that was so high you coud almost see her ass who walked in while Brandon and Steve were interveiwing the other cute girl for a job at The Beat was NOT the same actress who plays Seven-of-Nine on Star trek: Voyager.

Yes... Yes, (i was able to answor one queston 'Yes'): They probly DID make sure that when Valeri, (whose chest is still twice the size of Kelly's, even after Kelly's operation), was behind the bar wiping down the highball glass with the rag, they made sure that she, (A) had her hair up, (B) was wearing the lowest cut dress in the whole wardrobe departmant at 10 in the morning, and (C) wiped the glass down with an unecessary amount of strokes so she jiggled on camera for an extra long perriod of time. THAT i am sure of.

If I answor wrong...

If Granfather gets an answor to one of his stuppid-ass qeustions he does not like, or if i wasnt payin atention enough to form a clear opinion, then I get a Texas rattler bite.

A 'Texas rattlor bite' is when someone grabs a peice of your skin about an inch thick between his thumb and fourfinger and twists. It is usualy on your limbs, neck or ribs, and most of the time you get them from your mom for talking in church when your suposed to be quiet. I get them during certian Fox Network youth dramas.

I am ashamed to be rellated to him.

He is such a reppulsive disgousting man. Yes, the gristly geezor is still in a detained state in his fiborglass hot tub. I admit that in the last 2 years ive ben writing this homepage, from time to time I exaggorate and take poetic lisence regarding some of the revolting and horid things Granfather does. I even admit embelishing the facts somewhat here and there. Howevor, let me state for the record that Granfather being coght in that fiberglass tub is NOT an exagoration and it is in fact entirely true, I swear it.

It is now aproaching 2 months he is stuck.

For those of you just tuning in, in November my granfather got one of his testicles coght in the lowor bottom drain of a seafoam green fiberglas hot tub we had set up in the yard. The old monster almost drowned but it is with deep regret that he did not.

At first he wanted to remain stuck in the tub so he coud sue the mannufactorer and demanded that his irreconcilable ball stay put, for what he imagined, will be one hell of a drammatic courtroom entrance. So, we bruoght the tub into the house and set it onto the castors from an office chair. By rocking and thrashing his scraggly monkeylike musculor body agianst the walls of the tub, Granfather (who has superhuman strenthg anyway) is able to propell himself around our trailer. (Stairs are still a problom)

After a few weeks of being stuck, the old geezer changed his mind. Now he CANNOT get UNstuck. Also busting him out is not an option because he is afraid of fiborglass splintors. That is a concern that I can actualy empathise with.

"House of Spas"

That is the name of the place where Granfather boght the hot tub in the 1970s but is now out of business. Oh, we live in the HOUSE OF SPAZ allright and the old bastord is the generol SPAZ.

Leading up to Christmas

When i returned from Internet World there was a huge fight i had over the phone with my folks in California becuase I told them that i woud NOT be staying here in Texas for Christmas. The original plan was for me and the bastord to drive in, but he cannot travel for ovbious reasons.

"IF'N THE CAR HITS ONE O'THEM POTHOLES IN MY CONDITION," granfather hollared into the speakorphone at my dad and stepmom, "WHY I'LL BE SINGIN' LIKE ALL FIVE BEE-GEES ON HELIUM."

In case you dont remembor the 1970's the Beegees were a group of singors that had high voices.

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