Walter Miller's Homepage

I appollogize. This danm update is so big i am runnin out of snappy things to write here.

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 18 of 24

The danm lunch was two hours long cause she woudnt stop eating and talking. We forgot the whole reason why we even got togethor: For her to pick up her laptop. I realized this just at the moment she drove off crunching her giant black SUV over the sidewalk cause the poor womon dosent know how to drive. She only took a half-day to come to work, and now she was on her way home. My heart sank becuase this meant that we'd have to meet again. And I woud lose another 2 hours of my life with her.

By the time I got back to Cyberblop there was an urgent messege for me: Aparantly the entire suport staff (including me) was suposed to update the entire Cyberblop website. The Generol Manager was NOT HAPPY abuot this situation with the pink text and so every page had to be updated. They had settoled on this very fetid looking babystool brown for the color of weblinks that you have alredy looked at. The directions were folowed by a ridiculuos "Confidential Message From The Generol Manager" which declaired that the reason why we werent gettin hits was that this hard-to-read pink text was driving, "web browsers like himself away."

Well there are thuosands of pages on the site. It friggin took us all night. At 10 PM the Generol Manager called us up from home where he was monnitoring the progress. I was the unfortunnate one who had to talk to him on the phone. He made us interrupt work and told us he wanted a diferent shade of blue for non-looked at hyperlinks: "Harrumph! This is a pissy, Cerulean blue! I want a robust Prussian blue!

There were six of us workin and we finaly finished at 3:36 am. Since Junoir was watching Granfather and doin a rellatively good job I did not bothor going home.

After we finished FTP'ing the new web pages that were set to default to the crap brown insted of the pink hypertext, we all went down to the server room. Its one of these freezing cold glass rooms they call The Fishbowl. One of the guys I work with is sort of a Warez expert and he installed this program that makes your domain look like its gettin allot of bogus hits.

and just for good measure...

Then we went upstairs to the cubicol area and logged every workstation onto the homepage of the site. Next, we leaned, like a heavy book or somthin onto the "Refresh" key so it reloaded the page over and ovor agian. Anything to raise the number of friggin hits for the danm website.

We did not have the chance to change the Blue hyperlinks

I slept under my cubicol and then at 8:00 somone nudged me and woke me up. The Generol Manager was here, and he wanted to see the website. He wanted all six of the workstatoin support people in his office NOW.

Stu saves our ass.

I imediately called my freind Stu, who works in Marketing. Stu is my freind who I wrote about in a few othor updates who has the porky face like a small fetal pig from 9th grade Bio whose features are all distorted cause he is in the jar of fromaldehyde.

Stu is realy an amazing B.S. artist.

He is so good you forget he looks exatly like a pig. I supose thats why he is in Marketing.

"It wasn't the easiest major in college for nothing, Walt," he always says. Stu also has this great smooth voice like a 1950s game show host. He came ovor our house once or twice for supper. Him and Granfather get along well too. Granfather calls him "The Pig Man."

Well, we did not get arround to changing the Ceruleon Blue to a Prussian Blue and so what we did was ask Stu to demo the website for the Boss, and say that we did change it.

"Harumph!," the Genoral Manager said, "The pissy pink color is gone, and replaced by that shade of...of...what did we call that color?"

"Professional Corporate Sepia," said Stu. Then Stu added, "And take a look at the new blue for the unclicked links. This is the same blue that I.B.M. uses on their website."

"Why this blue looks splendid," the boss said, "Mph! Yes, I.B.M., why they're known as 'Big Blue,' and so they must be leading the industry: leading it bluewise, that is."

Sudenly the Generol Manager's pulpy crimson face, which already resembled one of those red things on a baboon's butt grew more red, and then purpol.

"How much are we paying I.B.M. to USE this blue!" he cried. Stu answored withuot missing a beat, "Oh no, sir, we're going try -- no promises here, but we're gonna try to get THEM to pay US to use it!", and this made the boss very pleased. If theres one person in this world I admire and woud like to be confident like, it is Stu. Of course i sure as hell woudnt want to look like him. Like i said he looks like a danm pig.

Back at my desk

There is an anoying huge email from my boss. She writes that she is working from home today, and coud I please swing by to bring her laptop over to her tonight. She wants me to come to her danm house.

Also she wrote in the note asking if I had found any of her "personol items" which she might of by acident left in her laptop bag. And as long as I was coming, coud I pick up some fish food. How did this pain in the ass person get so ensconced into my life.

Suddenly my speakorphone buzzes and crackols loudly with the booming voice of the Generol Manager:

"GET BACK IN MY OFFICE NOW!"

For some reasen I was the only one of the workstation people who's extension he knew. I was teriffied.

I am very bad at one on one confrontattions. Also I did not fit into the corporrate culture here at Cyberblop. This was a company where people screammed at eachother. I did not want to get screamed at.

The first thing I did was I ran down toword Stu's office. He wasnt at his desk but i did hear swinelike grunts and squeals commin from the men's room right next to where he sat. Stu was allot more important than me and so he got to have a desk real close to the mensroom.

I bursted in and spoke to him behind the stall door where he was in the proccess of a heavilly intensive 'SYSTEM DOWNLOAD'.

"Oh, MAN! ...I can't make it Walt," he called out to me.

"Damn fried onion loaf I ate yesterday...WHOA, NELLIE!....It's shootin' through me...OUCH!...some country bumpkin greasy spoon about an hour from here...I heard someone actually dropped dead the other day from eating there...."

I ran out of there toword the Boss's office as Stu hollored out to me, "You're gonna have to wing it, Walt! You can do it!"

The boss had this giant mile wide frown on his face like the Duchess in Alice in Wonderland.

"Pissy pink," he seethed at me, harshly twisting his computor screen toword me so I coud see.

"More pissy pink hypertext!," he screamed.

I said to him, "Sir, that is the Yahoo! website. That is not our website.

"I want it fixed!"

"It's not our website sir."

Then he said, "Well, then let them choose to make fools of themselves," and then he waved me off with his hand and I scampored away like the little ass kissing frightened minion that I am.

I go home early

It was only 9:30 am when I left to go home. I'd logged allot of hours and I needed some sleep. It was pleasently quiet when I arived home. I walked inside the trailer to peace and queit cause the TV was not on which made me happy becuase I was ready to just hit the hay for a long snooze.