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May 1998 Updaite

Page 1 of 7


Somtimes i wondor why i keep writting these updattes. My life never inproves. And no mater what hapenns, I canot improve my lot in life. I am always havin problems with my personal lovelife and career. And my grandfather is as abusive and bad smelling as hes allways been.

The things i hope to covor in this update are as folowws:

1. More problems in my familly--mostly rellationship problems concerrning Granfather and his atitude toword everyone else.

2. More of the old basterd's cruel tricks, mean pranks, and newest colecting obsession. Also his bad temper.

3. Granfather's new (yuck!) creepy girlfreind

4. My freind CathyAnn who thinks she is MY girlfriend: She is NOT.

5. What is going on with Granfather's older brothers: (Both Grampy's brothors are still here in texas on thier extended visit from the East coast, because one is dying, and the othor faces a court date for tryin to murder Granfather.)

6. More probloms at my new job, and in generol, my failing career in this frikkin circus we call the Internet Industrey. (Is everyone out there doin as badley as me? I ofton wonder.)

7. New, disgousting, revolting and reppulsive cryptozoologicol sceintific revelations involving my freakish, non-human ancestrol progenitor: And I will not even get to the discovory of life on his craggy planetery surface. And i am not just talkin abbout the regulor insect and fungal life, but of new, sulphur-resistent bacteriol species.

If I may ellaborate just a bit on point 7 above: Granfather does in fact, have all the atribbutes, not just of an alien, but of an entire alein planet.

Considor this: He has a crust. He has a mantle. He has a molten core, which regularly errupts from variuous points, crevices and pinacles of this heavenley body, abbout which there is NOTHIN heavenly at all. (And lemme tell you right now, what erupts out AINT lava).

All of this is wrapped in the topmost layer, a forbidding, rugged, irregular, inhospittable, (but tobbacco-juice spit-able) surface. Which, surely by now you know, is covered with even more crust.

Journy to the Centor of the Basterd

Yes, unlike other planets like earth, where the crust is the thinnest layer, the crust it is the thickest layor on Granfather. Crust that no soap can loosen, much less remove. Far from heavenly indeed, if the old bastord were ever discovered by the crew of Star Trek he woud be desginatted a "Class Y Planet" which you know is a demon planet. Did also i mention that hes surroundad by a foul-smelling atmoshpere of toxic gasses?

A disheartenning discovery

One particulorly saddening discovery about Granfather's "core" was made just this week. Yes, it is revolting, but more 'disheartoning' than anything else. Deep below the undulating surfece of lanced and unlanced boils lies a tragic secret. The Cryptozoologists who regulorly study the beast recentley found it on a ruotine examinnation.

I will write about this monstruos medical milestone later on in this update...

But first: A big Congradullations:

Yes, severol thousend of you wrote in, trying to guess the question posed to you at the end of my last update: Who Granfather's new creepy girlfreind is the male version of.

Some of the guesses were quite immaginative. Many of you picked females, and not femaile versions of famous male peopple. For exampol, I got at least three responces each for Marge Shott, Rula Lenska, and Ellen DiGeneris. To my knowlege these are ALL women.

Also, most peoplle did not pick folks from Louisiana, which was one of the qualiffications, (though Ellen is from there). And those of you who did pick somone from the Pelican State did indeed make some inteligent guesses, which includded varrious regional politicians, journolists, news anchors, and assorted unnactractive Cajun cooks and local celebrity restuaranteurs.

One of the quallifications was that Granfather's new love interest is "evil" and so there were many guesses for Luoisianans David Duke, and the Vampire Lestat. Also, two of you guessed, "A female version of a male bayou alligator" -- perhaps the closest guess ammong those who didnt get it right.

But onley Five people got the right answor

And here it is, folks:

GRANFATHER IS DATING THE CELESTIAL MUFFIN TRAY FEMALE COUNTORPART OF POLITICOL STRATEGIST JAMES CARVILL.

The esteemed Five are:

  • Charles Wiggenhorn of New Orlaens, La., (who was the FIRST TO GET IT RIGHT and who kindley let me pubblish his real name).

  • Commander Will Riker of Hobart, Tasmania Australlia, (which is probly not his real name)

  • Long Tall Sally in Seattol, Wash., (who claims to of met the real Carville once)

  • Pierre Martin, in Paris, France, (and alls i can say is DAMN those Frenchies: They are only like, one tenth of one percent of my readdership and yet they alwayes corectly guess anything i ask.)

  • I_Have_Two On_my_Body, Jacksonvile, Fla., (and you know what, "I_Have_Two?" BIG DEAL, because whatevor it is you have two of, Granfather's probly got three growin there in the same spot and perhaps elsewhere).

  • Yes, Granfather is dating the Female Jammes Carville. I woudnt say that the old bastord is in love, but hes deffinitly feeling his oats lateley. (As well as her oats. Or whatevor that sparce wispy stuff is growin on the top of her moslty bald head.)

    This is a diferent kind of woman for Granpy.

    First off, she has almost as evil a sence of humor as him. Also, Granfather is scrawney, and he usualy dosent care for petite women, but she is even scrawneir than him. Plus, as a red-blooded Texan, (actualy, the blood is a magnesium-and-copper-based pissy magenta), the old basterd normolly prefers Big Hair on his love interests, usualy in the range between "ceiling fan hazard" and "troposhperic landmark". Yet this woman, (like her male muffin tray countorpart, Mr. Carvill,) is practicaly bald. There is a small tuft of wheat colorred fluff on the top, and 2 more on the sides, but othor than that, she has the same fammilier weasely smooth slit-eyed face, bloodthirstey grin, and uninteligible, hissing Loiusiana patois that sounds as if Hannibol Lecter had mated with the Female Huckleberry Hound. It is enuogh to scare the hell out of me.

    The Female James Carvill has alredy spent the night here 2 times, and between her and Granfather making a racket in their room all night, (you do NOT want to know what is going on), and also Uncle Zeke gettin up in the middle of the nihgt ten times to pee, I cannot get any sleep. This is becuase I am in the living room sleeping on the trundol bed becuase Zeke is staying in my room. Its onley a 2 bedroom trailor.

    Lately the TV is never off

    One day recently me and Granfather were home alone and when that hapenns I have to wait on him hand and foot especialey if theres somthing he wants to watch on TV.

    Well, one of the TV stations was running a Sally Field Movie Marathon where they kept showin one film aftor the other for days on end featurring the perky double-Oscar winning brunnete. Granfather dosent particoulorly care for Sally Feild one way or the othor but he knows that her voice gets on MY nerves.

    So, for 36 hours straihgt of the Marrathon, the old bastord held the remoate control of the TV in his hand and jabbed the volume button to spike WAY HIGH evory time the pert and peppy actress spoke a line.

    I must say that the enhanced sound of her schrill squeals of angor in Smokey And The Bandit: II were notably hard to endure. I have heard that prolonged exposurre to this voice on labbaratory rats has been known to affect the poor rodents' eyesight, hearing, brain waves, chollesterol, and sexaul orientation.

    A complication of Grampy's new relatonship

    Granfather and his new girlfreind are going out to dinner alot. They are newly dating, and so the old bastord is treating her to fancy steak suppers. (Little does she know that very soon her dates with the cheap basterd will decsend into going dutch at Burger King with Senior Cittizen coupons.) When Granfather eats allot of steak he cannot go to the bathroom.

    There is somthing also that is making the problem worce: Many of these steak places dont have allot of salad on the sallad bar. Yes, El Nino has caused many lettuce crops on the West coast to get ruinned, and so they even put signs up in restuarants and also food markets which applogizes for the shortage of lettuce.

    Lettuce all get along

    Granfather started a huge fight and allmost got arested in the suppermarket because a head of Iceberg Lettice that shoud really cost 99 cents was now $2.59. Granfather threattened the man who works there and so this man went in the back and got a bat to bash the bastord's head in.
    But thankfulley I averted a scene.

    I said "Please, he is just a demented man who hasnt crapped in a week."

    The man put the bat down and let out a big sigh and said that we are all feeling the straine of El Nino.

    "TWO-FIFTY-NINE FER FLUFFY LIGHT ICEBERG," Gramps griped in the car on the way home.

    "ICEBERG, FER GARSH SAKES. WHY, IT AIN'T EVEN ONE O'YER LEAFY, GASSY GREENS."

    That day in the aftornoon while watching the Sally Field film Steel Magnolias Granfather grew more and more disagreeable. I didnt know if it was becuase he didnt like the movie or else he coudnt poo. Anyway he started yelling and blairing for me to haul him up on the crapper "for the college try." I didnt think the colege try woud work, least of all becuase the man has onley a 4th Grade Educattion it took him 7 years to compleat.

    We have a full length mirrer on the bathroom door and you can position it in a way that you can see the TV screen in the livving room. He sat on the bowl watchin the film for a long time hollering out sarcaustic things like, "THIS IS A GREAT FILM: DOLLY PARTON KEEPS WEARIN' SWEATERS," until finaley his danm lumpy boil-covored legs fell asleep and I had to massage them with this awful Camphor stuff. It was like rubbing Vaseline on a gravel road. Thats how diusgusting Granfathers legs are.

    Plus the whole time he craps (or rathor tryes), he screams and bleats and grunts. Our dogs out in the yard started howling in fear and two of the poor dogs, the ones named Wilson and Drive By just curl up into whimporing balls and bite their tails till they bleed.

    He finnally calms down

    At last, right at the part where Granfather screammed at the Steel Mangolia movie, "DAGNABBIT, WHY CAST DARYL HANNAH IN A FILM IF YER GONNA DRESS HER LIKE GRANNY CLAMPETT?", the old bastord FINALY calmed down.

    In a rare lucid moment he shot me a gruff but concerned glance. Even thuogh for his whole life the lazy geezer never worked one day on a regulor job, I easily reckongized Granfather's serious "business" glance.

    "LISSEN UP, BOY," he said to me slowley and delliberatly.

    "I WANT YOU TO GO OUTSIDE TO THEM SHRUBS YONDER, AN' CUT GRANPY A WILLOW SWITCH WITH THE BARK PEEL'T OFF...

    "Y'UNNERSTAND? NOW MOVE IT, BOY!"

    Oh, yuck. I got so queazy when I heard that. On my way outside my tremboling hands rummaged in the kitchon cabinet for the smelling salts, in order for me to test wether or not I was dreaming or not. But this nightmaire was REAL. Hell, I didnt need no smelling salts. It smells bad enuogh in our danm trailor all the time aneyway to KNOW you're awake.

    I will NOT say for what reppulsive, revolting "home remedy purpose" he wanted the willow stick for. But suffice it to say, that the "angle" wasnt right for him to use the danm twig how he intended, and GEUSS WHO had to do it for him. I thoght I was goingto get sick but mirraculosly I did not.

    I am ashammed to say that the treatmant worked, and all thruoughout it he kept hollerin at me: "OW! ...OW! ...OW!" and also continuol screams for me to tell him 'How it was going?' and if there was 'Light yet at the end of the tunnol?'. And i said to him, "you know Granfather all this shouting is makkin me feel very unconfortable" and without missing a beat he said to me:

    "VERY WELL, BOY. LET ME STICK THIS HERE SWITCH UP YOUR ASS-A-WAY, AN' SEE WHUT THAT THAR FEELS LIKE, OKIE DOKE?"

    Then he called me a 'stupid sumbitch' and made me get him a glass of rye whisky and TWO Cuban Reloj Felice cigars, one for each side of his gross moulth at the same time because 'After that he felt like a smoke.'

    Mean, abbusive troll.

    Granfather's latest colecting obbsession.