FALL 1997 WEDGIE PAGE UPDATE
Bruoght to you by Walter Miller's Home Page(TM) Productions(R)

A Wedgeographical Tour:

'Hike' across the USA in this Update on Regionol Wedgies in the words of Wedgie Page Readers

INTRODUCTION

I love the responce i got from people who wrote in abbout their Region's special brand of Wedgies. I encuoroge folks to "get into the trenches" and WRITE IN more of this priceless, "golden" Locol Wedgie Lore. Includde the State youre in. I hope to one day have a page for all 50 states (plus the countreis) that consists of Regionol Wedgies in YOUR words. Let us not leave ANY blank states on the map that arent colorred in a nice chocollaty brown.

We now begin our tour with the bustling, cramped togethor, tightley compacted NORTHEAST states.


THE NORTHEAST U.S.

I am pleased to see so many of the little states represented. But i still have yet to hear from Rhode Islond. I know there is somthin there called a "Rhode Island Red." Lets hear it folks.

Vermont

Dear Walt,
We quiet, taciturn Vermonters are more prone to ignoring those who bother us, instead of actually putting our hands near other people's butts. But this little state that is so big in dairy products does have a regional term for a painful wedgie: It is called having your shorts "cheddared."

G. in Burlington, VT

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Dear Mr. G,

I hope thats a mild chedder instaed of a sharp cheddor.

Your freind,

Walter Miller

* * *

Maine

Ayuh! Ayuh! Greetings from Maine, home of the Maine Event Wedgie. We are the Pine Tree State, so how it works is, you grab a pine twig, level it behind your neighbor, and wedge away!

Most people associate Maine with the coast, but the truly "twisted" folks are up in the interior where I live: No lobster, but a few lob-stah red butts. We just learn to grin and bear it.

Miss P., Maine

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Dear Miss P.
Not olny are folks "twisted...up in the interior" so is there undorwear. A pine twig in the ass, huh? Good thing youre not next door in New Hampshirre. They are the Granite State. And Id rathor Grin and Bear it than have to 'Bare and Gran-It'.

Your freind,

Walter Miller

* * *

Masachusetts

Walter,

The Boston Baked Bean Wedgie happens when brown syrupy stripes on the crotch aren't properly pre-treated before wash and gets baked on in the dryer. And it doesn't have to be baked beans.

In fact it doesn't even have to include a wedgie at all, (Yes, food poisoning stains look just like wedgie stains and no matter what you tell your mother, she will believe you got a wedgie). In any case, I insist you include this on your page immediatly.

Mr. E.,
Newton Mass.

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Dear Mr. E.

Ah, in true laconic New Englond manner, so demmanding and terse. I will certianly put it on my page. And you aint kidding about not being "just baked beans". I am remminded of a bad expereince at Internet World '95 in Bosten involving some bad hotel restuarant chowder, a terible trafic jam, some ruinned clothes, and, beleive it or not, no wedgies at all.

I swear if i ever return to Boston i will never get in a taxi agian (not that theyll ever LET me in one agian) and i intend to WALK from the hotel to the danm Back Bay no mattor how far away it is.

Your freind,

Walter Miller

* * *

Conecticutt

Dear Walter,

Did you know the worlds bigest gamboling casino is in...Connecticut! Not Los Vegas or Monte Carlo. Me and my freind made up some wedgies caled the Conecticut "YANK"ee based on slot machenes returns........

Here they are in increassing order:

-- A normel day might score Plums on your underwears.
-- With hemoroids you might end up with CHERRYS.
-- After drinmking a lot of beer it may be Oranges.(Beer can give you orenge colored poo).
-- One that hurts bad is BELLS (it rings bells). Then there are bars: Single black bar, doubol black bar and triple BLACK BAR!!!

Did you ever see those black bars on a slot machene.

Thats also called Connecticut YANK-ee in King Arthors Shorts!!!

I go to colege only an hour away from the casino

Mr. B., in Conn.

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Dear Mr B,

Acording to my MacNally atlas it looks like that casino is exactley one hour away from New Havon. I will be extremly jeaoluos and pissed if somone who spells as bad as me has gotton into Yale Unaversity.

Your freind,

Walter Miller

* * *

New York

Hey Walter,

This is Sal in the Bronx. A Wedgie story for your review: One night (in 1979?) when I was about 15 my mother sent me to the pharmacy to buy a bag of girly shit for her. When I came out 2 muggers jumped me. One of the f***ers got away as I fought them but the other wasnt so lucky. I tackled him and his pants ended up half down and showing his buttcrack.

The bag broke and all my mother's stuff was on the sidewalk. A container of Vaseline Intensive Care Hand And Body Lotion busted when one of us stepped on it in the process of my beating the shit out of him. On instinct I shoved it in his pants. It was Green Herbal Bouquet Fragrence or some shit like that. I noticed some scrap lumber in the alley. Now it was time for fun.

I put one foot on the back of his f****ng neck and beat his m****r f****n ass with a pallet slat and green lotion spattered up each time I wacked him. Then as he stood up I hiked his damn pants and it made a wet farting noise. A nice Bronx Intensive Care wedgie. I would of beat his f****n face in but by this time about 20 people were watching. They were yelling "Kill the M*******r!". But I let him go. I told him if I saw him again I would beat both his head and ass till both looked like an open faced m****f****ng veal cutlet parmigian.

I love all your writing! Keep it up--Grandfather is a cool old bastard!!!

Sal in N.Y.

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Dear Sal,

Thanks for your kind note. Keep it up? Oh you bettya i will. Uh...Anything you say, Sal!

Your freind,
(and please stay my freind)
Walter Miller

* * *

We now go WEST