Walter Miller's Homepage

To hell with profits: Whoevor gets the most hits wins.

Late April 98 Update--coming to you in Earley May!

Page 1 of 7


I am traded

Have you ever heard the houmilliating story about the minor leageu baseball player who was traded to anothor team for 10 uniforms? Well the same thing just hapenned to Yores Truly.

As you know I write a weakly colunm for Time-Pathfinder's The Netly News.. Yes, i am known as a minor Internet celebritty. (The way I see it, God help the internet if a loser like me is a cellebrity on it.)

I am still going to be writing the Netly colunm, but instead of doing so as an enployee, i will be doing it a freelancor.

What has hapenned to the rest of my job, where I do 20 hours a week of coding and programming? I will tel you: I am being traded to anothor company in ecxhange for a used file server.

It seems that I am a crappy programmor and prone to making allot of mistakes and coding errers. Thats why I am being traded. YES it is hummilliating. But atleast I will get to still write the Netly colunm--for the time being. Despite my trademarked crappy spelling and ofton lame sence of humor, my colunm does get one of the larger amounts of hits on the Netley website. (OK, I am bragging: It is in the top 95% of all Netly features).

More abbout my Netly colunm

My colunm often includdes semi-inteligent (so I am told), Internet industrey insites which some people have deduced that a persen like me is too stupid to come up with on his own, and who insist that I am getting editorriol help in my colunm. Othor peoplle have said that I dont write the colunm at all, and instead each week varrious hacks on the Netly staff take turns adapting the uniqeu 'Walter style' to industry curent events in some sort of peverse if not dysfunctionol atempt at product branding.

More abbout me

Othors still have said that "Walter Miller" himself is a fictitious charactor and that in real life I am a smart but frustratted and bueracracy-choked internet industrey bigshot. Or, that my writing is done by a couple of peoplle.

Then there are those who I say that I am who I say I am, and that my work is an embelished semi-fantacy created to ellicit sympathey for my living hell of serving as an unwilling caretaker to my mutant, non-hueman and virtually decomposing abusive grandfather.

Well i will not coment on any of that.
But I will say two things: One is that I am a big exagorrator. I willnot explain that statement. You will just have to take it at face valeu.

The main areas of over-exaggoration in my life include:

Oh i know what you are thinking

To qoute Anthony Newly you are thinkin, "What Kind of Fool Am I?". Well i will tell you somthing: Anyone who has ever writton a resume is guiltey of the second and the 4th bullet point abbove, and anyone whose ever written a website is guiltey of all four. But dammit, atleast i will admit it.

One thing I do NOT exaggorrate:

I do not exagorate or embellish anything that has to do with Granfather. Yes, every descripption of how bad he smells, how aweful and cruel and mean he is, and how disgousting his looks and his habits are, are all 100% true. (If aneything, they are understatements, becuase mere words cannot convey the reppulsive, the horrid, and the uddorly raw disgustingness of the miseroble rancid smelling hot dog-orange-skin-colorred boil crusted evil old bastord. Or his sick sence of humor.).

Perhapps when the internet bandwith can handle Smell-O-Vision will the world truely know. Of cource, by that time, my sence of smell will be totally destroyed anyway.

Somthing else I do not exagorate

Granfather's DNA. It is not human. It is tottally unique in sceintific study and consists of four equol parts Human, Monkey, Unknown Speceis, and Crocodilian strings of DNA.

At any rate--abbout my job changes

To make a long story short, for the time being I am still doing my weekly colunm for the Netly News. As you know, Netly is headqaurtered on the East Coast, and I telecommute from home via a modem conection. Howevor, one day a week, I drive 3 to 4 hours each way (depending on trafic) to work on-site in a small satellite office owned by Netly's parent company. This situattion will now change.

Half of my job at Netly is writing and editing, and the other half is data entrey and coding. This 20 hours of coding for Netly is being traded to anothor company in ecxhange for a used file server. In othor words, I will work 20 hours for the other company, and Netly gets the server.

To add to my shame and disgrace and hummilliation I was mortified to learn that after my first week with the new company, they were displeased with my pefformance, and wanted to back out of the deal. So Netly felt obbligated to sweeten the transaction by throwing in a pile of Netley logo crap, including mousepads, basebal caps and cofee cups, plus two lazer cartrigdes, and a half-of-a-box of T-Shirts that said:

I   S U R V I V E D

THE 3Q '97 RE-ORG

AND ALL I GOT WAS

THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT

The thing that pisses me off most abbout the deal is that I am the only in the whole danm deppartment who never even got one of those T-shirts. Back in the 3rd Quarter, I asked the Site Managor why and he told me: "Walter you survived this re-org by such a slim mardgin of the barest hair of your ass, that for you to get one of these T-shirts woudnt even be funny."

I am not alowed to mention the name of the new company I am working for, so for these purrposes I will refer to it as "Cyberblop, Inc."

About 'Cyberblop'

They are a companny that does web consulting. They are in one of these crappy low slung office parks composed of a colection of squat, poorly sittuated, isolatted tar-roofed brick corporate hovels off the freeway ringed by a windy, weedy parking lot that badley needs a pave. They are locatted in Building 4. The Netly satellite office where I work now is in Building 2, and I think at one time mabye back in the 1980s, TIME Warner sent bulk mail out of this place but no one remembers. There is no caffeteria in the office park, but each biulding has a small kitchenette. Also twice a day one of those chrome trucks with stale donuts and weak cofee comes by, driven by a guy who dosent speak English and they also sell pre-made disgousting samdwiches, and other food items out of large brown boxes marked "NOT FOR INDIVIDUAL SALE."

I am going off on a tangent and I appollogize. Netly and 'Cyberblop' only found out abbout each other because we were fighting with them over parking spaces. Later, as fate woud have it, the two companies became freindly last summer, as the result of an unusuol "Granfather-related incodent."

What hapenned was this: The old bastord and his girlfreind (at the time) were returning from playing Bingo at the Indien Reservation, and they dropped in because the old basterd "had to go."

Well, nevor wanting to miss an opportunnity to humiliate me at work, Granfather had the old hag purposely drive to WHERE I WORK so to drop his load.

Take Your Bastord to Work Day

There were plenty of rest stops allong the freeway but he held his colon closed tight for an extra 30 miles at the risk of busting his friggin gut so to launch his loaf in MY company loo. (Or, as it turns out, not IN the loo, but nearby (yuck), and aparantly everywhere BUT in it.

But that isnt all he missed: Granfather had went inside Building 2 insted of Biulding 4 and polluted their bathroom instead of Netly's. He toasted the place so bad that both the men's and ladies' room of the company known as 'Cyberblop' were unusable for a whole week, and Netly offored to let them use our bathroom.

And just this week, like so many realignments and incestuous corporate aliances in this industrey, the 2 companies came to this agreement to trade me off withuot even consulting me.

But I cant complaine.

Instead of one full-time job I will have 2 part time jobs at the same loccation. Also Netly told me that if 'Cyberblop' ever puts two and two togethor and figuores out that it was MY granfather who stunk up there bathroom, then they will probly make some ecxuse to fire me becuase they are still upset abbout it.

I will write more about my new job later in this update. But first:

First, A few minor anouncements.

Please forgive me for somtimes taking too long to answor my e-mail. Ive allways said that each of you who write to me are inportant enuogh to get a personal responce. It may take up to a week or 10 days for me to respond to your note. I cannot help it if I am becomming more fammous and I appollogize for my increasing poppularity in the world's online comunnity.

Many thanks to Nick in Pensylvania and Manny in Ontarrio Canada who are helping me organnize my mail--they do not read my e-mail, (only I see it); but they both are helping me keep track of it all.

Also atention certain ladies:
I do not know how to say this delicattly so i will just speak bluntley. Some of you have asked recently if I woud be willing to entertain pasionnate rellations with you in chat. While i thank you for your interrest, I feel that I must decline all offors for grattuitous digitol titilation at this time. I hope you undorstand.

Personol to Barb in Conecticut: If you continuolly dislike my spelling "as a romantic turn off" the way things are right now, then what the hell do you think will happan to my abillity to type corectly with all of the distractions that coud possibbly arise within a steamy conjugal chatroom? Aneyway, this is my way of saying PLEASE tak a cold showor.

OK, enuogh of this adminnistrative crap. It is time to focus on the main atraction: Which arround here, hapens to be the sideshow atraction.

Yes you know I mean GRANFATHER.