Granfathers Top 10 Peeves about the 1996 Altanta Olympics
Granfather really gets into the olympics. Especially the throwing events. When the diskus competition is going on, he will throw dishes all over the friggin trailer. When the shotput is on hell throuw fruit. When its the javvelin I go outside and hide becayse one time if i didnt move out of the way just intime I would right now be speared through the nuts and stuck to the wall with a curtian rod.
Oddly, what you would think he likes he doesnt, and vice-versa. For example he likes the Sinchronized Swiming. When all the women twirl around at the end and they have an overhead shot of it he says it reminds him of turds goin down the toilet.
He also likes the beach volleyball which I thought was REALY a bit too much becuase one Saturday thats ALL they had on the whole day. But granfathr loved it. At one point I switched the channel to Giligans Island an granfather screamed at me TURN OFF THE GILIGGAN AN LETS SEE THE JIGGLIN- PUT ON THE GOLDANM BIKINI VOLLYBALL.
In fact he wrote a letter to Jaun Antonnio Samarack, the president of the IOC to ask him (really demand) that since they staggered the Winter Olympics to 2 years after the summer ones, they should also have a special Ladies Bikini Beach Vollyball-ONLY Olympics in years ending in 3, 5 and 9.
But heres granpas top ten peaves--not in any special order.
The Olympic Tourch
Its not a straight flame but that big jagged thing. IT LOOKS LIKE A DANM BARBEQEU PIT he yells. Also after 18 days the Olmypic anthem was realy starting to get to him but theres nothing you can do about it.
He hates all other countries competing
The whole time of the openning ceramonies every time a contry marched in with their banner granfather woud say the same things over and over: THATS A STUPID COUNTRY or else hed say: WE KICKED THERE ASS IN A WAR ONCE. Or hed say: (Insert countrey name here): NATION OF FAGGOTS. But it doesnt stop there: Also...
He hates all other states
And he only roots for people from Texas. When Micheal Johnson ran around holding the US flag granfather was happy but screamed THAT YOUNG MAN SHOULD BE HOLDING THE LONE STAR BANNER.
He called up his brother who lives in the East coast and screamed at him that all other states suck becuase Texas has all the great Ollimpions like Carl Louis and Michael Jonson. Granfather an his brother both hate each other.
He was also rootin for little Domminique in the balance beam because she lives in Texas. Granfather was throwin beer cans at the TV when the other girls were on there so theyd fall off the beam--even other Americons.
One night he stayed up very late waiting for the high jump competitoin and all they showed was an hour of pre-tapped shit and 3 minutes of jumping. Some of this pre-taped shit includes a stupid feature on an English guy who isnt even here this year but hurt his leg last year in Barcellona. I have to agree with old basterd on this one.
Also too many long documentories about people overcoming personal problems- and too little atcual competing. In a rare lucid momment Granfather said to me at one point: EVERYONE WHO GOT A BOIL LANCED FROM THEIR ASS IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS HAS HIS OWN COMEBACK DOCUMENTARY GORLDANGIT!
Cant tell the Olympcs from the commercials
Each time granfather cant tell the games from an ad he spits tobbaco juice at the TV. What he means is all those Calvin Kline or Nikey or car comercials or whatever hell other ads with all those close-ups of peoples sweatey eyeballs and the sound of wind in the background with shots of sunsets, long shadows and fuzzey black an white images of leaves blowing around and timpanyi drumrolls. THIS AINT FRIGGIN M-TV! THIS AINT FRIGGIN MTV he screams over and over.
I explained to him that its not the advortisers fault, its NBC's fault because all these damn special interest stories are the things that look like the ads. This peeve is similar to #7 but granfather wanted it in its own categorey.
I put a peice of plexyglass on the TV because he spit so much jiuce the wires got wet an caused a short.
#5 throu #1