March 96 update-Walter Miller homepage

Copyright 1996 Walter Miller

Well belive it or not-things are inproving

Most of my readers know of my homlife sitaution. To parapfrase Winsten Churchil, Im in a dysfuctonal fammly inside a enegma wraped in an abusive relatonship.Yet evrey once in a while theres a brite spot. Like a hermit crab my mean old Granfather also comes outof his shell somtines. Hes also consistanly more observent than I give him credit.

It all started 2 wekks ago when granfather was talking outloud at my computer. I was ammazed. I watch Startrek-Next Generaton 2 times a day an he sometimes wheels by my room an sees an hears parts of it. Hewas yelin at my PC: "computer: what time is it? Computer: turn up the goldamn heat." He asked me questons about computers an why mine cant talk--also hesaw a talking PC on the news. I explaned that inthe future when they expand the banwidth, we'll have those things. Then he wanted to know about warp drive an also Klingons. I told the Klingon joke to him:

Q: What life form is on Uranus-(your-anus)?
A: Klingons-(cling-ons).

Knowing granfathors penchent for toilat humor he apreciated it. Well it ended up we had a nice (shal we say civil) convesation an began to watch StarTrek togeter.

Hes almost tolorable!

Ofcourse we cant watch Voyagor-he wont tolorate a women in charge-an we cant watch early episodes becuase of Conselor Troy's revealing unaform (it gets him ecxited). But he likes it so muchnow he wont ever miss it. Its hard to watch-he asks questons an talks thru the whole show. Also he still smells. But atleast theres 2hours a day when hes (almost) my freind.

His favvrite is Worf an also Rikor an Piccard. He hates Jordi, Data (an Wesly). He says their computer fagots who never had girlfrends. Among shows helikes best: The Borgs (except the 'Hugh' one), anythin with Klingons an the Darmok one, about the Tamarians -aleins who speak only in historicol metaphores. He hattes any show about Jordy, Data or Loxana Troy.

a "Warp" sence of humour

Seeing 26 eppisods of Startrek:TNG inspired granfather to-guess what? He devaloped a scrip ofhis own! I explaned the show isnow off the air but he thinks it might be used by Saturday Night Live since its a humouros spoof. He dictated diolog to me an I wrote it down-then I checked acuracy against sceintific feasabilty, 24th-Centry technolgy, Starfleat regulatons and also thePrime Directive. We came up with this clabboration betwen us both--but granfather doesnt want his name on TV if Saturdy Nightline uses it-so only myname is on it. Since people will have to memarize this scrip (we hope) I also ran it throug a spelchecker


UNTITLED STAR TREK SPOOF


By Walter Miller, 1996


Star Trek and all related characters are trademarks of Paramount Pictures, Inc. This is a non-profit web site, and no breach of copyright is intended. The purpuse of this site is a therapputic expresson to help me deal with disfunctonal fammly diffoculties and a poor selfimage problem.

PICARD: Captain's log, Stardate 44305.2; We are charting a newly-discovered star system with a Tamarian officer as our guest. It is quite a challenge, as Tamarian language consists solely of historical metaphors. Complicating the mission is a system-wide failure of our food replicators, which have been offline for two weeks; I must admit that this has been making me somewhat irritable.
(Scene: USS Enterprise bridge)

TROI: Captain, I can sense something is wrong. You're upset.

PICARD: (terse) Nothing is wrong!

BEVERLY: Oh, something's wrong, alright. Jean Luc, don't scowl at me like that!

TROI: I don't understand.

PICARD: (belligerent) It's because you Betazoids can look only into the minds of others, and not their stomachs.

BEVERLY: I already told you, I can give you a hyperspray of synthetic psyllium.

PICARD: (angry) And I already told you, I do not want it!

TAMARIAN OFFICER: Zinda, his face black, his eyes red.

DATA: (to Tamarian) You have correctly deduced that the Captain is very upset about something. I believe it concerns his constipation.

PICARD: Thank you, Mr. Data. Now the entire bridge knows my condition.

TAMARIAN OFFICER: (pointing to Picard) Darmok, on Riza IV. After he ate the cement.

RIKER: (mischievously) So, Captain. Can't pinch a loaf?

CONTINUED