Walter Miller's Homepage

"The First, Original One Man Show website."

The belatad Spring 2000 Update in 3 pitiful parts: Febuary, March and April

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1 of 3 (Febuary part)
I did somthing kind of stupid. The people who invested in the cartoon pilot project made a bugdet. Me and Stu and the animators were suposed to book our own trips to New York and bring the tickets in for reinbursement. But like a jerk I booked mine First Class.

Once i got to Newyork we were suposed to have a meeting about creative strategy. The way it turned out most of what we talked about was how we are going to tell the investers how on earth I coud of been so friggin stupid as to piss away all the money in the travel budget on one first class ticket. I started out saying that I am stroggling with a poorselfimage compounded with incidents of grandiose self-realization but they did not care.

One of the people in the meeting said something cruel but true: My ass is so skinny i dont NEED to go firstclass. The way the meeting ended up I just sat there in a big fancy office chair (I had inadvertantly grabbed the best chair when I walked in the conference room) staring at my lap while everyone blasted me. The only people in the room who didnt blast me was Stu, and also my freind Mirsky, who as you know is the person who did my voice on the animated demo.

Stu treid to stick up for me but there wasnt allot he coud say. Especialy when the main invester said, "We dont need to fund a cartoon about you. Its funny enuogh with just the Pig Man and the old grandfather."

This was a vailed threat to throw me off the project. The Pig Man in case you dont know is Stu.

How I got time off to take the trip

Other than Stu, not many people at Cyberblop know about my cartoon prodject. I am tryin to keep it quiet. I had to get time off work in order to go to New York. In my last update I wrote about my poor Boss who suffered a Granfather-related malady that allmost claimed her life. She is the person I have to go to get aproval from to get time off work. She has a big mouth but she promised to keep it quiet. In any case her jaw is wired shut for three months thanks to Granfather.

Anyway to my suprise she wrote me an e-mail and said I coud have the time off. Also (now this was a bigger suprise) she asked if she coud be included in the cartoon as a charactor. Well, she is somone I realy did NOT want to include.

We met in person about it.

She coudnt say no words, but was whimporing and scribbling down her supplication on scraps of paper with tears in her eyes, begging whining and pleading to be a cartoon caractor in my cartoon. Did you happon to see "The Three Stooges" movie on ABC, when the guy who used to be "The Commish" was sittin there playing Curly Howard, who had not yet apeared as a stooge, and was gettin his head shaved for the first time, and he was whimporing and makin all those comical yet sincear "woo-woo" Curly noises for the first time? Thats what she sounds like. She wanted so badly to be in my cartoon.

And finally I said YES SURE what the hell--alls I coud think of was the danm wires comin off her jaw a few months from now and having to listen to her friggin mouth.

By the way her name is Tilde and I told her I dont care how embarassing it is for her but if she wants to be a charactor we have to use her real name.

After the meeting

Leaving the meeting, me and Stu and Mirsky were kind of bummed. Especialy me and Mirsky, because if I am off the project so is he, since he does my voice in the cartoon demo. It is an extra blow to my poorselfesteem that the producors of the animated Demo chose someone other than me to do my own voice. Apparantly they thought I sound too weak and reedy. They are right.

The first of Two acidents

I forgot how cold it gets in New york. Right near the hotel I slipped on a peice of frozen phlegmm on the sidewalk and seriousley hurt myself. Texas may have scorpions and fire ants and killor bees but the slick silent hazard of seasonol sidewalk snot is a hidden wildcat of a risk that a warm weathor boy like me woud rathor not wrestle.

I landed hard on the side of my ass. I started crying. Well, I wasnt weeping and wailin or nothin, but do you know when your chin and eyebrows get all crumply and you try to hold it in so your male freinds don't notice? And so you pretend you are not crying by trying to reverse it? And you clamp your lowor lip with your teeth and open your eyes hard to try to uncrumple it? It was sort of like that. A serrious case of "Clinton face" exept I wasnt doin it on purpose.

Part of why I was cryin was the humiliation of gettin hollered at over the travel plans and the othor reason was that it really hurt like hell. Stu helped me up and told me not to worry, cause he woud take care of the whole thing for me. It is enbarassing to cry in front of people, especially men. Even if they are your freinds.

The second of two acidents

The trip to new York City got worse. I had a 12 oclock Noon flight, and so I checked out of the hotel before the creattive meeting and I had my rolling suitcase with me. But the meeting ended early and we had plenty of time. So me and Stu and Mirsky went to this restuarant to eat lunch and I had ice cream for desert which is always a tricky thing for me becuase I am lactose intolorant. Just before we left I went in the restuarant bathroom to brush my teeth and felt queezy, but I thoght nothing of it. We got on a subway train. There was a subway delay and the ride was longer that I thoght it woud be. Also I was just comin off the flu and I had diarhrea right there on the subway train. I was so extremly humilliated.

Stu was laughin his ass off

At first I thoght, Okay, Ive got a little trouser chili, I can handle this, and no one will notice. But a big stain was spreading and beleive me I went from not having a seat on the subway to having two or three in no time cause everyone got the hell away from me. But there was no way I woud be sittin down. My hands were real swetty and so I gripped the big steel pole and every time the train lurched arround I slipped and this whole crowd of people all cowered in the oposite side of the car.

Stu thoght it was the funniest thing in the world. He was makin jokes like, "Why didnt you go before , in the taxicab?" And also he adressed the crowd in his smooth anouncer's voice and said to them while pointing to me in a sweeping bow, "Mister John Rocker, ladies and gentelmen."

It was the "N-R" train and Stu later told me it stands for No Restroom. Also there was a sign that said Dont Dump On New York and Stu kept it up with the jokes and said that if I techically I did not yet dump "on" New York, even thuogh you coud see the big spreadeing stain on my pants slowley creep downword. What hapenned there that day was singulorly the most mortifying, most embarassing, most houmilliating non-Granfather related incident in my entire distressingly tragic and hopelessly pittifull life.

Stu had anothor meeting to go to and so he got off at the next station. Mirsky lives in Queens, and his apartmant is on the way to the airport. So he offored me a chance to shower off at his house. Then I coud catch a taxi to the airport. Just before he left the train, Stu apollogized to me and also said that the whole thing woud of seemed funnier if more people on the train laughed at his jokes, which he assured me they sure as hell woud of if only more of them spoke English.

So we get to Mirsky's house. Like I said my rolling suitcase was all packed, and i did not have any clean clothes left. Mirsky said hed loan me a pair of pants and undorwear. I told him I woud wash them both when I got home and mail them to him. He told me, "You can send me my pants but dont bothor about the underwear."

I said "Why?" and he said, "Nevermind."

So a couple of minutes later I was dryin off with the bath towel and through the bathroom door I repeated to him that I woud mail him his pants and underware. Also I said I coud probly even take them to the mailroom at work and send them Airborne without no one finding out.

And then Mirsky repeated what he initialy said, begining with saying, "No offense but," (and pardon me, but whenevor somone says "No offense but" you are about to be insulted). He said to me: "I am not wearin undorwear that you wore. Nothing personol."

Then I said, "Yeah, but right this minute, I am going to wear underware that YOU wore: It is CLEAN underware. After I wear it, I will CLEAN it before I return it."

And he said, "It dosent mattor, no thanks."

Well anyway we got in a big argumment. I was kind of pissed and told Mirsky to KEEP his danm underwear, I will just wear the pants. And he said, "Oh no you dont: You cant borrow my pants unless you wear underwear. And finaly I said FINE.

And so I did not wear nothing that belonged to him.

I had one pair of pants left in my suitcase, these thin Old Navy vinyl parashoot pants. They are expandible waistband pants that dont have pockets and are made of very thin materiol. I always bring them when I travel just to hang arround the hotel room, or if I go to the pool. They are not very comfortble, but at least they were clean.

I did not have no underwear on underneath and so a half hour lator I was truging thru LaGradia Airport and you know how those danm vinyl parashoot pants are, they whistle when you walk. Especialy when you are skinny. I didnt have no suport down there and there was allot of unconfortable swinging. Plus I think I pulled somthing when I lifted my danm suitcase into the check-in conveyor.

Also when I walked (because i had no underware on) one of those danm tiny little postage stamp sized labels that was sewn into the seam with edges on it like a razer blade jabbed me with each step I took in the crotch. Even thuogh I flew first class all the way back to Texas it was extremly uncomfortoble what with the way my bare ass itched agianst the vinyl.

Family problems

When I got back home and pulled the car up there was a giant fight goin on in the dusty dirt front yard of Granfather's trailor.

What the fight was about.