Walter Miller's Homepage

The last site on the web not jump on the 'B-to-B E-Commerce' thing.

The belatad Spring 2000 Update in 3 pitiful parts: Febuary, March and April

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1 of 3 (Febuary part)
There are three updates here. I realize its May but here are the ones for Febuary March and April. Please ecxcuse the lateness but allot of stuff is going on in my life. This is why the update is so late. Also there are some exagerations here but much of what you read is either true or not true. You must undorstand that i am full of crap.

I know you are sick and tired of my whining abbout being late with these updates.

I have become a paroddy of myself. I am like one of those ugly ungainly child acters who is grown up, no longer cute and now gettin arrested for various things. And who has to go on Howard Stern and humilliate himself just so people pay attention. I have not done that yet. Anyway.

I think it was back in Febuary 1997 that I wrote what became one of the the most populor updates ever, (atleast based on my email) which was called Three Blind Dates. I started writing this big update around Valentines day, a time I allways get depressed about my romantic situation. So I thoght about setting up some more blind dates. (These are usually the only type of date I can get. Granfather says if I ever want to change my career I shoud become a profesional blind date).

But anyway this update is about my atempts to get some Romance in my life. Ocasionaly women write to me and ask me out. Some of them are probly having a joke at my expense but I supose some of the offers are valid. Please note that at this time i am not acepting any dates over the Internet. Thanks.

You are probly wondoring what is going on with my cartoon project.

I regret to say that Granfather is one of the partners in my cartoon project. A bunch of people (Granps included) put up money to produce the pilot, and hopefully pitch it to the TV networks. I am not aloud to pitch it myself because I am a crappy presentor. Howevor if you happan to be a TV network President, please write to me -- and I will direct you to somone who can.

This is how sick Granfather is

Granfather initially was not happy with the reprosentation of his charactor, but now he loves it. He is portayed as an evil cruel abusive monstrous living breathing X-File of an old basterd. For the TV cartoon that is fine: but for the website HE IS SUING ME. Yes. because how I portray him on this website, Granfather is suing me for deffammation of charactor. Meanwhile the old basterd dosent HAVE any character. I think he is just tryin to extort more money from his slice of the pie if ever the cartoon ever gets a buyer. Granfather says that I woud have no website and no interresting story to tell if it was not because of him. Meanwhile I have done ALL the friggin work on this webpage.

First he abuses me mentally and will not bathe. Now he wants a cut of the action when I tell the world about it. Selfish basterd.

About the lawsuit

Things do not look good. We had a preliminery meeting where an arbitrator was brought in to settol the dispute. It is a retired Superier Court Judge. In early Febuary, me, Granfather, and the Judge, (no lawyors allowed), met in the retired Judge's office, a cheap small fake wood paneled room behind the vacuume cleanor store off the State Route. At first Granfather wanted to slap me with a Cease and Desist order, regarding my portrayols of him on the website. Granfather then put on his fake tears and cried about how I am the one who treats HIM mean.

A motion to Dismiss...Gas

The meeting was interupted a number of times when Granfather cut a few farts. I tell you if there was such a thing as a Cease and Disist order for his ass he woud of got slapped with it years ago. Granfather told the judge he cant help it-- that he suffors from, "a persistently bad case of silent gas."

The meeting went on for 2 hours

The way it ended up the Jugde said that anyone who actually WANTS the rights to such a hideous face like Granfather's probly ought to have it. Words cannot describe the disgousting ugliness of Granfather. Have you ever seen the pointy-eared blue skinned horned demon lookin creature that Buffy The Vampire Slayer somtimes smacks around in the graveyard with her size 8 Candies. Yeah well that's freakin Audrey Hepburn next to the old basterd. And like I said Granfather was really cuttin the cheese during the arbitration meeting. Everytime the Judge turned green, Granfather made some sort of comment about having some sort of, "uncontrollable problem with silent gas."

After leaving the room a few times for air, the Judge then his ruling. He told us that since there woud of never been no "Walter Miller's Home Page(R)" website or cartoon without Granfather, that the old basterd is entitled to fifty percent--FIFTY PERCENT of any banner ad revenue that we ever have on this website.

I was a little pissed about that at first but then reallized that I dont HAVE no bannor ad revenue. Just before we left, Granfather says to the retired Jugde somthing allong the lines of, Say, youre also an old man like me, and at least as smart: Do YOU have any advice for me conserning my "persistently bad case of silent gas?" The judge looked sort of pissed at Granps and said, "The first thing you ougt to do is get your danm hearing checked."

The tragedy of Lawsiuts within a family

Our family has allot of them. The whole thing is very disfunctional. Also extremly unconfortable because as you know I am already under a prior court order to take care of Granfather. In case you dont recall, I borowed some money from his bank acount a number of years ago and also from some members of my family (not to defraud anyone--I was going to pay all it back). Anyway due to some circomstances that were NOT my fault I lost the money and got caught and now I am designated caregivor to the old basterd. I am reminded of this misteak in my life every day. Remember Granfather is covored with crusty boils and I have to take care of them.

On the way back in the car Granfather told me a peice of gossip that he heard from a freind of a freind of an enemy, (because Granfather HAS no freinds). Granfather was told that the County Clerk, (Granfather's greatest enemy of all) was planning to file some papers agianst him.

Granfather is an enviromentol hazard.

He is also a regular mental hazard. Granfather's property is an eyesore and even worse a nosesore due to all the junk and garbage stroon arround the entire homestead.

It was an unconfortable drive home. Me and the old basterd never have anything to say to one another. I saw his lemony eyes staring at me in the rearview mirror.

"HAND ME THET THAR WIRED MAGAZINE ON THE SEAT NEXT TO YOU," he grunted at me with an angry scowl. I passed it ovor to him and he snatched it with his bony beef jerkylike gnarled claws. Granfather's hands look like an old weatherbeaten horse whip wrapped around a couple of twigs. His knobby fists gripped the magazine hard but he did not open it. I glanced behind me. He appeared to be studying the back covor.

"Are you gonna read that?" I said. The old beast ignored me. Sudenly the magazine moved up and down slowly on his lap. And then I smelt it. He only wanted it to fluff a fart at me. Poisoinous yellow gas filled the car. My eyes burned and I coud feel the wax in my ears actually melt. There was a tickle in my nose as the hairs inside it burst into flame, and painfull liver spots erupted on the back of my hand. A strange metallic taste filled my moulth and my teeth felt like some of the enamel was scraiped off, chemicaly, like when you drink lemon juice. There is allot of exageration in this website but not in mattors of odor.

A New Word

You have sureley heard of the word "flatulance." Granfather as you know is not entirely human and he is studied by various criptozoologists and exobiologists. One of them wrote a paper once and coined a new word which referrs to Granfather's unique, unearthley ass gas: "Roundulance." Rather than the "flat" experience of a fart which is only heard and smelt, roundulance denotes an entire orbit of sensory expereince.

I screamed at him some more. Then he tossed the WIRED back into my seat and said, "NOW, THAT WAS A SILENT ONE!"

I kept on screamin at him. I thoght I was going to barf. I reached for the car window crank next to me but my hand felt somthing cold moist and clammey. It was Granfather's bare toes, all six of them which were curled arround the knob of the crank. Granfather's foot feels like creamcheese, and it is real cheese. As of this writing, I sprouted a few warts on my hands from touchin the friggin thing. His hourney toenails are razor sharp so I quickley loosened my grip. Then with my right hand I leaned ovor to lower the passenger side window but the old basterd was too quick for me. The evil lizard had flailed his scraggly carcass ovor to lay on across the whole backseat on his wrinkled yellow belly and grabbed that knob with his hand. Slowly the old basterd raised the passengor window up and held both door windows tight. We dont have electric windows. It is a 1970 Dodge Dart Swinger.

Granfather then began to speak. He told me in a threatenning evil tone that he is pissed at the Judge's findings and he will find another way to take advantage of me financialy: even if it is illegal or unfair, said Granfather, he will find a way to rip me off on this cartoon project so he has MORE and I have LESS.

He is not a relative, or a father figure. He is a greedey, selfish old basterd only interrested in MONEY.

I traveled to Newyork City

In the meantime in order to work on the cartoon project Ive alredy used up my whole weeks' vacation at Cyberblop. (Cyberblop is the stupid place where i work; of course that's not the REAL name of the place, I just call it 'Cyberblop' so THEY dont sue my ass too).

I went to Newyork City in early Febuary to meet with these people who are helping me develop and animate the cartoon script. My freind Stu went also. Stu as you know works at Cyberblop and he is one of the partners on the project. He will help market the cartoon and also does a few of the voices.

Stu has this great radio anouncer's voice. He also has a charming convincing way about him. It is just as well because his face is not much to look at. Poor Stu looks exactly like a pig. Not just a LITTLE like a pig but ALLOT.

Stu cannot help his looks

And besides that we are all taught that looks dont matter, it is what's INSIDE what counts. (Unless of course you are Granfather, in which case the uglyness goes deep into your bones).

But, damn, back to Stu now, I really got to tell you he is downright porcine looking. Even down to his tiny hog eyes, pink conplexion and large conical ears being set up way on his head compleat with pointy piglike tips. But that charismattic personality of Stu's is such that as soon as you meet him you forget he looks like "Wilbur" from Charlottes Web.

My cartoon is sort of a big secret at work

Like I said we took a trip to New York for a busines meeting about the cartoon. I told the people at work that it was a vacation.

I get in troubel