Q: Why can't you put him in a nursing home?
A: Hes ben thrown out of 14 homes around the nation. The record is 3 days before expultion. He thretens me-he says if I dont stay here to tak care of him hell turn me into the state for Elder Abuse. As hes covered with sores an boils, it sure looks like hes abused but hes not. He always had the sores for many years an they dont hurt him.
Q: Whats your snail-mail address?
A: I cant give it. Please dont send any mail. Im not alowwed to go to the mailbox. Granfather will confoscate it or read it outloud to torment me. Each day at an appointed time, the old monstor wheels out TWO MILES to the edge of the rurral route to grab the mail right from the mailman. Even if its raining. 2 years ago the metal whelchair was struck by lightning. His hair was singged an his eyes tourned bloodstained but he suffored no other ill effects.
Q: Do you have a middle name?
A: Yes. I used to have a long Euoropean name i coudnt even pronounce but recentley changed my middle name to reflect my new email adress with Hotmail which is firstname.lastname@example.org. So my name is Walter U. Miller which stands for Walter Underscore Miller, or walter_miller).
Q: Why is your spelling so bad?
A: I geuss im a product of the pubblic schools. But, if i concentrate, I can spell with no mistakes, like this sentence. But a few profesional writers told me to keep it as my spelling an syntax are dialectal like Mark Twain an Willaim Foulkner.
Q: How can you build a web page with such poor spelling?
A: Prodigy has templattes with HTML codes in it. I just cut an paste my text. Stop pickin on me--the web is full of mispell stuff. Atleast my pages work.
Q: Why no pictures, sound?
A: Bellive me you DONT want pitcures. I get enough multimeddia with granfather, thank you very much. Including smell-0-vision.
Q: What does your job consist of?
A: I build simple text-only HTML files in Windows an transmit them by e-mail to a organizaton that asks to be unnammed. The web pagges are very borring if i must say. Im self employed an do freelance too.
YES, all employmant-relatted work i do is run threu a spellcheckor.
Q: If your grandfather beats you why don't you call the police?
A: When he hits me it hurts but not enough to call the cops. I can live with it. The worst part is the hummuliation of it. The verbal abbuse is worse than any beating.
Also the dirty tricks: (hiding his hair an false teeth in my food, as reported in my updates). The other day the I Cant Bellive Its Not Butter tasted funny with brown lumps in it. Granfather will often scoup peanutbuter in it by mistake by using the same knife. Thats what i thought it was. But no, it was Prepparation H from the tube that he sqeazed in. We were BOTH eatin it, but he didnt care, as long as the joke was on me. I vommited. I was going to call Poision Control, but granfather said relax its only sharkliver oil and it doesnt say poison anywhere on the pacgkage. (These gross tricks inspirred the scenes with Neelix in my Voyagger spoof.)
Anothor time he put Ajax in my specail General Food Internatonal Cofee--my favorite flavour thats hard to find in the store, and also once he put Crisco in the icecream. Its takken me a while to share this but now I will: On CRISTMAS DAY he peed in the bottle of Sunney DeLight and put it backin the reffrigorator AND I DRANK SOME. Granfather laughed an laughad for 3 days straight.
FAQs CONTINUED-How bad WAS the hellish old creature hurt in the accidant?