Walter Miller Homepage Christmas 96 Extra
Granfathers Gift wish listMy sucky holiday promises to be the worst evor. As a child when i was missin my 2 front teeth granfater creuly taunted me with that awful song 'Alls i Want For Christmos is My 2 Front Teeth.' He sang it over and over on Christmos Eve till I ran off from the supper table crying. As i buried my head in my pillow in my room my wails were drowned out by his evil cackling luaugh while the rest of my famly chewed him out.
This year Alls I Wish for is his 2 FRONT FEET to be planted to the bottom of a 55 gallen drum with the rest of the mean skinny beast ensconsed up to his hips in cement and tossed into Rio Grande. He can breath down there for a few huors with his amphibian gills but not forevor.
What rounds up my own personal list? Lets see...
Ah but i can olny dream. In the meantime I present:
- A gift certifocate to 'Dr. Kavorkian, MD.'
- One aftornoon's use of an elephent gun and a backhoe
- Somone to buy my life story for financal indepedence
- A rare case of Spontaneous Human Combustoin when im not home
- A Pathfinder.com headline that reads: Grandpa Gets Runover By a riendeer
- Either granfather OR his old biddy girlfreind tearfuly pleading the "acidental death by rough sex" defence to a scepticol Texas Superoir court
Granfathers Top 10 List To SantaThe first 2 on the list arent hard to figure out: Yes Ameroca's 2 favorite annoying December-only product offers:
#10ONLY REASON WHY I WANT THE DANM THING says granfather, is in conjunctoin with his personol incarcoration of the real live Pillsboury Duogh Boy. Granfather cant stand the Douhg Boy and violantly shakes and punches things shreiking hideously whenever he sees him. This time of year its ALOT
The Sallad Shooter
I WANNA RUN THE LIL FAGOT THRU THE SALAD SHOOTOR LEGS FIRST SO'S TO HEAR HIM SQUEAL AND WAVE THEM LIL FAT ARMS AS HE GOES DOWN. Then granfather says he wants to deepfry the peices out the other end in porkfat then when it cools sprinkol red and green sparklies on them and smear prune whip on top and eat them watchin Frontline on TV.
Other than that we atcualy dont need the Salad Shooter. If you put a turnip or a radish in granfathors razory sharp snapping mouth hell expectorate out at great speed perfect slices shreds strings or puree. His aim is not bad.
#9In a prior update i wrote how granfather was goin for the world record for the longest body hair. Since that near brush with glory, once a week the old basterd squats ass naked on our kitchon table so i can search and examone him for new posible records such as giant warts, potato sized benine squamous growths and cantalope sized boils. Not to mentoin new species of insect fauna and bodily fungus and flora.
The Snake Light
Thanks to my flashlihgt we found bureid in the thick black wirey forested thatch ofhis lumpy hairy wooly back and just to the left of his undulating developing dorsal ridge spine complex a fourth, yes a 4th rudomentary nipple (really a "proto nippel" acording to the anthrapologist at U.T. who comes to examone the beast on a govorment grant no less). Its non milk-bearing but apears to be a geniune nipple and NOT just anothor crusty mottled growth as first suspected.
Now all these things I fuond just with an ordnary flashlite. Just imagine what the Black & Deckor Snakelihgt can do. As the ogre hollered at me just today: THERES A HUEMAN ERRATA RELLATED GUINESS WORLD RECORD SOMEWHERE ON MY MISORABLE CARCASS DAMMIT.
#8In the last month on 2 ocasions granfather saw the above mentoined show on the WB network. He said in all his years its the funnyest TV show he ever saw. He saw it when we were in Newyork and luaghed so hard he atcualy CRYED and milk and whisky came out his ears, nostrils and tearducks. Yes a repolsive but touching moment. He had to crap and he made me wheel the hotel TV cart in the john while i hauled him up on the crapper so he woudnt miss a second of it. Back in Texas he coudnt find it being shown. He called our local cable station and chewed there ass out. Were a small rural town--they said SORRY we dont carry it.
Homeboys from Outor Space
Fortunatly the ugly wench started hangin around our trailor more about that same time so granfather forgot aboutit. But on our Los Vagas trip he saw the show AGAIN and it reminded him of what hes missing and HE GOT PISSED. On the way home in the plane the old basterd was olmost in tears and told me IF I COUD ONLY GET THE HOME BOYS ON TV FOR CHRISMNAS ILL BE A CHANGED MAN