Walter Miller's Homepage
Critically aclaimed and acclaimedly crittocized.
Early Decembar 1997/Post Thanskiving Update
Page 1 of 6
The Cartoon prodject Is on HOLD.In my Last Update i wrote abbout the prospect of comercialy sponcered cartoons on my misorable life. I got hundrets of e-mail comments from my readers concerning this. I have lately been leaning AGIANST cartoons.
My readers are splitThere are allot of people who apreciate me in text only. Acording to the e-mail I got, abuot 2 thirds of my readers want to see sponsored cartoons, or woud not particulorly mind them. One third do NOT want to see them, citing that this will eithor ruin their perceptions or else give them nightmaires. (Perfecly understandable considering how discousting GRANFATHER is). That one third who does NOT want to see cartoons is a large percentege that supprized me. I geuss there are very few authours who are able to pull off artwork in their works; mabye James Thurber is one and so is perhapps Kurt Voneggut's Breakfast of Champions.
One of the comments reggarding cartoons came by Registored Mail from a fammiler adressee and arived the day beffore Thanskgiving. Belive it or not, a certain greedy fammily membor is getting involved. Yes, there really is a Granfather, and he realy is evil and selfish. This registered lettor was a very threatanning note from the old geezor's lawyor.
I dont know the diforence between Certified Mail and Reggistered Mail but they both scare the hell out of me.And so did this note. It claimed that if i go ahead with the cartoons, I will be REAL SORRY. It said (in so many words) that if I show any type of boil encrusted deppiction of him on the web he will sue my ass for deffamation of charactor. (Ovbiously they are forgeting that the man has no caractor to defame.) Also any deppiction of him will be milder than how ghastly he is in person. Plus you cannot smell a .GIF file just yet. (Atleast not in Netscape).
But it gets WORCE than this: I make a bad misteakThe old abusive bastord has never been happy with Walter Miller's Homepage. Sometimes he kets a kick outof being reppresented as a mean old coot, but usualy he dosent like what I write. But i only write the site to help me deal with the abussive situations and othor emotionol problems. If he wasnt MEAN to me, there woud BE no homepage.
The misteak I made was, that I did not include Granfather in my neggotiatons with the new media company that is develloping the art. So now he tells me that HE may go ahhead and have cartoons done on his own WITHOUT me!!!
"IF'N YOU KIN WRITE ABOUT MUH PORE LUMPY ASS FER TWO YEARS ON THE DANM INTERNET, WHY, THEN I KIN PAY AN ARTIST TO DRAW YOUR PALE ZITTY FACE," the old sunnoffobich taunted me, while on conference call with my family and his lawyor and my laywer.
And it seems the laywers agree.They said if Granfather desides to write an illustraited cartoon web site about our life in the trailer, then there is nothing I can do to stop him. Plus he said that him and his 'artist' will get more hits than me.
What i hate most about the old pompous coot is how he pronounces 'artist' like this: "Ar-TEEST." He does it on pourpose. It makes me sick.
So, two weeks ago the old monster went out and hired this stuppid kid in Austin to come in to visit and draw sketches. They are VERY contrived looking. I particulorly do NOT like the depiction of me. I look like an ugly ogre with all of my features exagorrated. Meanwhile, Granfather is depictad very handsome and looks like George Cloony. He even has a cleft in his chin. Meanwile, by contrast i am looking at him right now, and the only thing on his chin is a dead silvorfish that got stuck on there 2 days ago and is all dryed out when he sqaushed it but was eithor unable or too lazy to wipe it off. I have ben lookin at the danm thing for 2 days now and I am sick of it and we are ready to sit down for Thanskgiving dinner in a few minuts, so now i will probly wash it off--but ONLY cause its a holiday.
Keep reading this update and you will see how somthing like this horroble squashed bug on his face coud happen.
Everyone loves a First Amandment FightNatourally i would like to stop any deppiction of myself on the Internet that is created in the cruel reppresentation of an artist who GRANFATHER hired. I agree, aftor 2 years of describing Granfather's ass on the web, it is a taste of my own medocine, and I do not like it. But the sneaky bastord Granfather is, he atcualy went like a crybaby to these First Ammendment actovists (who were actualy MY freinds to begin with), and threatoned a big public fight--Yes, where he said he woud acuse me of CENCORSHIP.
So I backed downI am not a cencor. If i dish it out I haveto take it. If the old bastord goes fowward, I cannot and willnot stop him.
It is the price we all pay for freedom--(even thuogh my 1st Amendmant activist freinds, now having met Granfather in person, unanimousley agree that the animol does not deserve freedom, and instead realy belongs locked in a cage.)
The new media company I was initialy dealing with about developing MY cartoons is actualy happy about this. They say that any type of controvercy is sure to drive up hits and atract sponcors. Meanwhile i do not care about it anymore.
ME AND MY BIG FRIKKIN DANM MOULTH--I Wish i never even thuoght of having cartoons of my life.I am trying to talk Granfather out of it. I begged the beast not to do this. He said "SORRY BOY, YOU SHOUD'A THOUGHT O'THAT BEFORE YOU DESCRIBED ME TO THE WORLD."
My lawyor gets a consession from his LawyorMy concecsion is this: That if Granfather goes ahead with his idea to prodduce an ILUSTRATED depiction of HIS view of life with me in the trailor, than it must be done by an artist that never has seen eithor of us: Not in person, not in a picture, or not even from a drawing from a third party who has evor seen us. This will make it obbjective, and instead will be a depiction of what SOMEONE ELSE thinks we look like.
Yesterday he stiffed the kid in Austin and anounced he woudnt pay him.The hapless, cheated, unpaid Paintshop(tm) hack keeps calling and calling. Granfather wont even reinburse his gas money, and it is a LONG ride to our house. I just hung up on the kid 10 minuts ago and said I TOLD YOU SO for daring to do bisiness with the old bastord. I also told the kid to GET A LIFE.
Insted Granfather commissioned anothor "arteest" to do some pictures of both me and him on speck. This artist has NEVER SEEN EITHOR OF US.
My end of the consesionGranfather insisted that me and him get ourselves COPYWRIGHTED. And so we did: I am now a danm copywritten human being.The newly copywritton beast also insisted that all authorrized cartoons that HE produces must be linked to from MY SITE. This not only ensuores him hits, but ensoures they are 'authorizzed.' I am entitled to a meagor cut of the revenue from the ads but at this point but I tell you what, i woud trade any money NOT to have the cartoons done.
Nothing is set to happan till 1998 and i am hoping, praying the deal will fall through--as so many deals Ive had in the past have fallon thruogh.
Theres a good chance it WILL fall thruLets face it: Granfather is very hard to get along with, and not only that he really, truly does smell like an elephent's ass--so it is VERY LIKELY that the deal will colapse. He has never had a deal where he didnt rip off his partnors or other siggnatories to any agreement. One whiff of him and peopple have been known to cancel deals with him, solely based on odor.
One small bright pointBeside the glint of the desiccated silvorfish on his danm chin i can at least rekognize that there is one small brihgt point: For those of you who think that seeing a deppiction of Granfather on the web will spoil the pre-concieved thuoghts about him that you have in your mind, rest assured: I have seen these new .GIFs (which were made on spec) and there is no way you can distingiush a person (or beast) from them. They are immature, amature, and crappy, and use the lowest end technollogies. Plus theyre all less than 30,000 bytes.
"I WANT THEM JAY-PEGS UNDER 30K!" Granfather screamed on the phone to the artists. "NO FILES BIGGER THEN YER AVERAGE LOW-REZ NEKKID LADY!"
Even still I am agianst it.Like i said I wish I nevor spoke to content developers or opened my BIG DANM MOULTH about frikkin cartoons, sponcored or not. Do you know when your therapist tells you somthing you ALREADY know, but you are pissed to hear it? Thats what my last session was like.
My therappist said this: This whole eppisode is a perfect exampol of the poor desisions in my life, and the price I pay when i make them.
How my Thanskgiving was this year
Pretty crappy, as you can geuss. The update continuews below.