Note: these ads are a spoof and not real. Offer void evereywhere. Also, all collectibles are NOT guaranted to increase in value as time goes by, but, like granfather, they probabley WILL smell worse.
Yes, you too can be the proud owner of these fine, hairloom-quality colectobles!
Abbout every 3 weeks, a new colectible action figure reprosenting Granfather as a difforent Alein Species will arrive in your home. Keep only the peices you want. Send all others back. Your just oblogated to buy 3 more at the desognated $39.95 price over the next year. Even if you discontimue, you can still KEEP THE FIRST one for just 1$ AS OUR FREE GIFT.
Moulded from pure, 100% plastic from the exotic petroluem feilds of Malaysia, then shipped to Taiwan for hand rendered old world craftsmonship, each peice is individualy signed and numbered. Dont worry about small inperfections, as each exquisite piece will differ. (besides, what the hell, the old basterd is one big living inperfection).
The same size as StarTreck figoures youve seen in stores, The '96 Minted Series includes:
A Granfather version of the Bourg--"We are Bourg. We stink to high hell. Olfactorey resistance is futile. You WILL be ashphixiated".
A Granfather "Cardasian"--Combine areptillian evolutionery ancestry with a compullsion to stage the oppresive occupation of a defenseless species from another planet, (in this case, the earthlings of his own family), and youve got granfather. But now add silver-tonged charm plus a classy, Nazi-like esprite-d'corps, and now it's a Cardassion granfather! Perhaps your only chance to see the old basterd with just 2 reticulated neck cables coming up the side--in real life he has 4 or 5 ofthem.
Klingone Granfather--Granfather already has lots of Klingone features*, so its no suprise that YOUR action figure also comes with:
- Nasty temper
- angry growling
- bad odor
- knobby skin
- scumy teeth
- violent lustfulnes
- love of raw meat
- (* Sorry, Courage and Honor not included).
A Granfather 'FOUNDOR' (Odoe's people): Smooth out those lumps, bumps and boils, and Get ready for a shifty, spit-sprayin' shape-shiften, shure-shootin' shitten machine--You won't be able to tell HIM from that puddle of Liqoud Gold sitting there in the potty. Imposible to clean up after if he has diarhea! Is he takin' a shit or a shift? Only the Foundors know for sure!
Ferengei Granfather-In real life, This Cheap basterd ancestor of mine is probably closer to Ferrengi than Klingone, in terms of boilogy (ha ha, 'boilogy'-- sometimes my typos have a funny double meaning). But think about it. Other than Granfathers teeth not being as attractive as Ferengie's, He is:
- Crafty, wiley and sneakey
- prefers all women go nakad.
- SAME skin colour, and same cranial ridge
- Fully versed in Rules Of Aquesition
- A theiving basterd
- Uglier than the Grand Naigus
- Plus, you can always find freshley minted "bars of pressed lattinum" in his trousors
A Granfather "Que"--Granfather omnipotent? Oh hell. Get me the cyaniade.
An Earthling (human) granfather: Are you kidding? Sorry. Can never exist. We wont make one. (Some people sure have a wild imagonation.)