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"I hate writing. I like having written."
-- Robert Burns

The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

Page 2 of 39


Granfather started picking on Uncle Zeke. They will fight about anything. Granfather is a Democrat and Zeke is a Republicon so allot of their fights are about that. Granfather began the problems. He taunted Zeke with this disturbingly acurrate inpersonnation of that conservative gadfly, Ariana Huffington. Irregardless of your pollitics it was pretty danm scary let me tell you. However, if Zeke was a Democrat, Granfather woud take the other side just to bust his rocks -- just as long as he disagrees with his brother, whose guts he hates.

Other things they fight about is, the merits of National League baseball over the American Leage, Texas versus Texas A&M, Coke versus Pepsi, and whethor or not toilet paper ought to dispense under, rather than over the roll. If there is a fight to be picked, Granfather will pick it with Uncle Zeke.

Granfather is small and wirey. Zeke is big tall and strong and ungainly and also ten years oldor. Granfather also is a diabollically evil genius. He is very glib and never stumbols on his words. Zeke howevor is is sort of dull witted.

In fighting with Zeke, Granfather dares not atack a fellow Texan who hapens to be running for president but he did insult the Republican Congress. Zeke in turn hollered back in his slow stilted way a whole bunch of these statistics regarding Al Gore that he seems to of took allot of pains to memorize. Includding the remarkable fact that the weird Vice President happens to of been born exactley nine months after the Roswell crash. At least acording to Uncle Zeke.

While they yelled and screamed at eachother, you coud tell that Granfather had a plan going on in his small evil head. I knew how the old basterd worked, so I kept carefull watch. I noticed Granfather sort of inching away from Zeke slowly as they fought. This was unlike his normal behavoir, that of a carnivorous snake, advancing closor to his prey.

Moving past an argumant on politics into one on football, (and finaly debating the virtues of "the old Lionel" as oposed to "the new Lionel" from the old sitcom, "The Jeffersons,") I then saw Granp's foot, (the one with five toes on it) sort of sneak onto one of the PVC hoses hooked up to the rolling luggege cart that sat on the sunburnt grass that led upward to disappear into the chest of poor wheezing Uncle Will. And in a sneaky way Granfather pinched the hose, stepping on it till poor uncle Willaim started gasping and turned blue.

Uncle Zeke coud tell what was going on. There was a whole lot of yelling and screamin and Zeke treid to shove the old basterd off the hose and the two of them gripped eachother like two people dancing. Like two of those Namib desert lizerds you see on a nature program who because of the scorching sands that will burn the belly of the one underneath insted mate with eachothor standing up on tippytoes in a slimy embrace. They started shouting and beatin the crap out of each other.

Granfather is kind of greasy so once Zeke had a grip, Granps slipped out and finaly lifting his foot off the hose he kicked Zeke in the grapes. Uncle Zeke stumboled backwards and twirled around in pain and Granfather jumped in the air and landed on Zeke's back and then he dug his fangs into Zeke's shouldor.

I am so houmilliated even to write about this. That I coud have a relative who acts so awful is a great source of shame for me. I know you may think that whatevor I write must be a bunch of crap though I asure you every word is true I sware it.

Blood spourted everywhere from Granfather's savage bite. Just as fast, Granfather leaped off Zeke's back and scampored onto a low willow branch like a small rabid spider monkey. Uncle Zeke fell like a giant tree and you coud actually hear some ribs cracking as he hit the hard packed claydirt. Granfather screamed that he is lucky he did not bite Zeke in the neck or else he woud of killed him. Zeke is a big tall stooped clumsy ungainly man and very severe looking. How can I discribe him. Other than being much skinner and having a bigger nose he sort of looks allot like that scary giant fiberglass lumberjack in the film Fargo.

Anyway he fell right on his big high tall flat ass. And for a long time after he fell, coud not get up.

But he was not the worst off.

We had to call an amboulance for poor Uncle William because he coud not stop gasping and turned this horroble ghastly shade of blue, It was more than a dead, suffocated blue (his normol color anyway) but insteadd a pale bright sort of Ford Fairlane blue.

The ambulence comes

And the sheriff did too cause Zeke insisted on calling them, to have Granfather arested for attempted murder. They are well familor with Granfather, and two of the deputies questioned the old basterd as he tearfully (with fake tears as you coud imagine) blubbered on about how he acidentally stepped on one of poor Uncle Will's PVC hoses.

"OH, YES I IS GUILTY!," he wailed, as the sheriff looked on with cautious skeptocism, "GUILTY OF A DREADFUL ACCIDENT! I WUZ INDEED STANDING ON THET THAR HOSE. BOO-HOO-HOO!", he blubbered.

All the while Uncle Zeke kept bellowing at the cops to arrest Granfather. Also in his anger Zeke kept lunging at the old basterd and had to be restrained by one of the deputies.

This was all a craftey ploy on the part of Granfather. Because it made Zeke look like a jerk.

As they wheeled poor Uncle Will on the gurney across the mowed part of the meadow toward the ambulence, Granfather folowed behind, his misty yellow crocodile eyes dripping with fake tears sobbing and weeping, "I KILT HIM! I KILT HIM!

In a referrence to our state's Govornor who is now running for President the old basterd wailed, "LET GEORGE DUBYA STICK THE NEEDLE IN MAH ASS HISSELF: I DESERVE TO BE EXECUTED! BOO-HOO-HOO!"

(By the way, Mr. Bush is in hot water with some voters in our part of the state for suposedly not yet fulfilling a campaign pledge to deal with what is commonly known locally as, "The Granfather Problem".)

The gurney carrying the virtuolly deceased Uncle Will passed by Little Spike in his baby swimming pool. Sadly holding his nanny's hand my sweet little blondhaired nephew who now is allmost 3 years old looked at the poor blue face of his great-grandfather's oldor brother and excliamed grimly in the lilting patois of the West Indies (because this is where his nanny is from and she is the one pretty much teaching him to talk), "Dat be dere some tuff sheet ganja mon."

They load up poor uncle Willaim and take him away.

Just before they left hauling away Uncle Will one of the ambuolence guys tells us, "He is in bad shape." I overheard one of the othors say, "we better get this guy to the hospitol fast cause if he dies while still in our abmulance we have to fill out all those danm forms."

After the ambulence left my sister in Law Darlene told me that if I didnt get Granfather the hell out of there, her and Spike woud personaly throw the old basterd on the grill and lock the lid and say that this was an acident as well.

But woudnt you know it, Spike and Darlene started fighting. Spike shouted at her, "I spent alot on this danm food, so we are goingto have the barbecue, dammit!." After this Granfather and Spike started screamin and hollerin at each other.

It was an awful Fourth of July.

How we spent the rest of the day.