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Who cares why its late - where's my Playstation 2, dammit?

The Humilliatingly LATE Update covering Aogust, September and Octobor 2000

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Here is my latest update--done as usuol too late. For all of my readers I want to say how much I apreciate you all. I am tryin real hard to get my writing done on time. I reallize that unless I am responsible enough to get my creattive projects done on time no one will take a mature veiw of me. To parraphrase the famous quote of movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn, Our comedy is to be taken seriousley dammit.

Much has happened since my last update. There have been allot of suprises in July and Augost. All of it imediately kicked into action on the Fourth of July. Briefly, this is what hapened:

That last one is the biggest one: Not only somone i like but LOVE. Yes they say that fact is stranger than fiction. You will not beleive who I had my date with. OK I will tell you: It my Only True Love--the womon Ive been in love with for years.

Other than all that...

Well what else can I say. A lots been going on. You can think of this update as a whole recap of the summer. I am experrimenting with my writing. This huge update in itselff is sort of like a standalone of a small cybernovel. As you can see I am grasping for excuses for bein late. Also Granfather has been more dificult than ever to get along with. Despite the fact that he had a personol acheivement of his own--Yes a true Guiness Record. The people who publish the Guieness book are not accepting his record but even still Granfather is thrilled because at least he knows deep in his (I stumbol on the word "heart" because I know he doesnt have one), rancid guts that he has truly set a bone afide World Record.

In our family, the 4th of July is an opportunity for great family discord to erupt in loud, dysfunctionol fireworks. The epicenter of all activity and root cause of all problems as you know is GRANFATHER.

My brother's new house was ready and we had a barbecue there. My brother Spike and his wife and baby just moved 30 minutes away. They built a huge house and are laying down sod grass. They are goingto build a horse farm.

It is not fair.

While Ive been slaving in this danm industry for years my danm brother gets rich off stock options after spending just six months at some useless dotcom in California that was boght out by a big company. He dosent even have to raise horses, he can freakin retire if he wants for Godsake.

In my last update I wrote about how Granfather's two older brothers, Uncle William and Uncle Zeke were visiting from the East coast. Actualy they were visiting only to partisipate in a number of lawsuits they have agianst Granfather. They were now staying in our trailer

A family scorecard

To keep everyone up to date: Granfather violently hates, in this order: The County Clerk, (who is not a family member, but who is Granfather's sworned enemy), Uncle Zeke, and Uncle Will, all in a three-way tie. Coming next in a very close second, is a tie between my brothor Spike and his wife.

Rounding out the group as a second tier, Granfather also hates me, my Dad and my stepmom, but allot less than these five. The three of us in this second teir are cought in the middle. We genniunely love Granfather, but hope for his redemption. We want him to change his ways, and bring some healing to our poor, pitifful, disfunctional family.

All of the family's dysfucntion is due to Granfather. However, my Dad and stepmom live in California so they are far enuogh away from the old basterd where they dont have to deal with (or smell) him.

Holidays: special ocasions of forced dysfunctionallity

The most odd thing about my family is that whenever we are together we socielize. We try to get togethor for major holidays. And if it is not a holiday, we try to all get togethor in the same part of the country and will even go out to a restuarant.

We might get all throwed out of that restuarant, but at least we try. There are occasional arguments and fisticuffs, but usually most of the time we all sort of sit around in silent brooding, staring at our food and sporadicly glancing up to shoot dirty looks at one anothor.

While no one says so, allot of hate is directed at ME because I deep down care for Granfather. Yet Granfather is never my ally, becuase he hates me too. Like I said. It is pretty danm disfunctional.

4th Of July in years past

My brother and I grew up in California but used to spend summers in Texas with Granfather. On 4th of July he used to light firecrackors one by one off a cigarete in his mouth and throw them at us while us two small children cried and wailed and pleaded and hopped all around the dusty yard dodging them while the old basterd the whole time screamed at the top of his lungs with the cigarate cletched tight in his teeth, "DANCE! I SAID, DANCE YOU LIL' VARMINTS, DANCE!"

Also, every 4th of July they always show that musical film "1776" in the middol of the day and its like, four hours long and after me and Spike were all runnin around scared for our life the old basterd woud make us sit there on the sofa in the trailer with no air conditionning and watch the whole danm thing. It woud be on extremely loud and the whole time Granfather woud scream at us to "PAY ATTENTION!!" cause this is what America is all about.

Anyway in 1776 there are unlikely actors like the White Shadow and also the stern old guy who is the teacher in Boy Meets World and they are prancin all arround Independence Hall in their wigs and waistcoats and singing in this exaggeratedly dainty poofy way. Every year Granfather woud lecture us sternly that this was a dark chaptor in American History, and allot of the Founding Fathors acted this was cause there werent allot of women on the fronteir.

Well our family dosent have allot of women, just my stepmom in California, and Spike's wife Darlene, who didnt even join the men as we all sat there in mostly brooding silence at my brothor's Fourth of July Barbecue.

And the only reasen my brother hosted a danm barbecue is to show off his new place. Yes he is rubbin all our noses in it that now he's rich. And, like I said, it is not even like he earned the money, his danm dot com company got BOUGHT OUT.

OK, I will stop. My jeallousy of the situation is really showing.

At my brother's place, there are some rules. Granfather is alowed only in the yard, and not in the house. He smells too bad and refuses to bathe plus he breaks things. He is banned from the house. If he has to take a danm piss or somthing he has to go in the friggin weeds. You may think it is a pretty disrespectfull way to treat one's granfather, yeah, well, if so, you never met GRANFATHER.

An awkword time.

The the men all clustored silently by the grill area, which is about 200 feet behind the house at the end of the huge backyard lawn. There is a grove of giant willows there. My brother Spike slow roasted some expensive beef on a brandnew fancy Webber grill while me, Granfather, Uncle Zeke and Uncle William sat around near the grill under the trees on a bunch of brandnew green plastic Adorondack recliner chairs from WalMart. Which are comfortable enuogh but in the summer heat if your sitting on them too long wearin shorts will leave a fake woodgrain mark on your ass.

Way up by the house there were some happy noises where my nephew, Little Spike, who is 2 years old played in the baby pool with Darlene. Also little Spike's nanny, was there too. Since my brothor is a freakin dotcom half-millioinaire they coud now afford to move thier nanny with them from California.

Meanwhile, under the huge willows, all the men just sat there scowling at eachothor. Granfather smokes his brothors do not. He kept blowin smoke in their faces, especially poor uncle William who is hooked up to this little rolling cart consisting of ventilator machines and various bottles of fluid atached by rubber hoses into his lungs and veins.

For most of the day alls you coud hear in the sour silence was the clicking and puffing of Uncle Will's machines and the buzz of hot weathor insects. Also, the sounds of Spike working on the grill. He is one of these guys who cares more about the grilling than his guests. If he was going to efectively rub all our noses in his sucess, the food bettor be good too, dammit.

A big fight and a huge accident.