MORE Wedgies From EUROPPE
A Dutch man writes in to repport the horrific childhood memory of being suspended by anothor child on the handelbars of a bicycol which were looped into his underpants while the bike was chained to the railing of a bridge. As used bicicyles are an extremmly cheap form of transportation in Holland, people ofton chain them to the bridge, then forget abbout them, and then just go and buy anothor used bike. So you have allot of abbandoned bikes.
He says his shorts ripped and he plundged into the canal below which was swollon from a flood that was so bad that sewers ovorflowed and there were allot of turds and toilat papper floatin in the water.
Also, acording to anothor e-mail i got from "Mr. V." in Amsterdam, the going rate for a wedgie from one of the prostatutes in his city's world fammous Red Light district is abbout 11 Dutch guilders.
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Do you know about wedgies in Iceland? They are give by girls to other girls, and sometimes to boys. But boys rarely have them. Wedgies are mostly the domain of girls. Then it passes behind us as we mature to adults.
Why girls? Perhaps be cause Iceland has matriarchal history. We end our sirnames with -dottir -- for daughter instead of -son. An example: In Sweden a sirname may be (Karlson) but in Iceland it is (Karldotter).
Miss S. in Reykjavik
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Dear Miss S.
Thanks so mutch for your kind note.
I'd say you dont have SIRnames there but Madam-names.
Yours is my second Wedgie note ever from iceland. I got one abbout 6 months ago (also from a girl) who told me that gettin a wegdie in Iceland is called "Gettin Bjorked."
P.S. You wrote: "Then it PASSES BEHIND US as we mature into adults." Very funny!
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(Note from The Editer: To get the full affect of this folowwing note please read it aloud in a stern Germon accent)
Greetings from Germany.
I am a reader of your writings now for sixteen months' time. At first I believed you were truthful but now I see your stories are no more than elaborate fables. I cannot comprehend why you write this - possibly for attention from others and pity. Your poor spelling is unreasonable and foolish. I am German but can write your native English quite well.
Your story for the Netly News on American styled toilets was humorous but in extremely poor taste. You must have a rich aunt who works there. The stories of "Wedgies" are profoundly childish. I strictly will not degrade myself by discussing underpants.
I will continue to read what you write with great scrutiny and a skeptical view. We Germans for the most part do not like your writings.
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Dear Mr. H.B.
I am sorry you dont like my writtings. (Some Germons do.) But in your case I will try to do bettor. Please acept my appollogy. I'm greatful howwevor that youve ben reading so long and that youll contineu to read my stuff.
Yes you are corect: Like evoryone else with a website i do it so peopple will pay atention to me. Mostley no one admits that.
By the way, theres a fammous Ketchup and Pickol company here in the US and your first name is the same name of that company. They have 57 varrieties.
Dear Mr. Walter Miller,
My boyfriend likes your silly Wedgie page. He also laughed very much at your Netly News Network essay about toilets in America. Each week I read your essays with caution, a small grain of salt, and no laughter.
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Dear Miss M.
Thank you for your note from Nice France. Yes i too heard France is Nice.
i am sorry you are disapointed in my writing. Please tell what i must do to inprove.
(Note from The Editer: Hot danm! Two more quallified page impressions for the Netly News!)
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A man named Franco sent an e-mail in brokkon English to the Wedgie Page attesting that no one gives Wedgies in the northorn part of his countrey because they are too civillized, and no one gives them in the suothern part of Italy or else you will get killed.
But if you want to do as the Romans do in Rome then you may find yourself on the giving end of a:
"Coolo-tutti-Rossi" which means "Your Butt Is All Red".
Also from his childhood he remembers a wedgie being called somthing that translates as "A Number 64" because he had to ride Rome's #64 bus home from school as a kid and the bullies woud ofton give them wegdies.
Franco also offored to e-mail me a .WAV file of a large fart he made but i declined. He soundds like a real funny guy. Another numericol designation from Southorn Eourupe appears in below.
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A youngstor in Portuggal writes in to say that one term for Wedgies in his land translates to: "Big Numbor Eleven" because that is what your ass looks like from the back with the shorts stuck betwean the cheeks. He also said they are more common ammong coastal childran than those who live inland. Is this how the fammous stinging jellyfish "Portugeuse Man O'War" got its name?
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I appreciated your section on British wedgies in your Spring 1997 Wedgie Page update. I must take issue with your belief that England is the centre of Wedgie activity for the United Kingdom. On a per capita basis, Scotland leads the U.K. in Wedgies, followed by England, and with Northern Ireland and Wales bringing up the rear. Perhaps the sheer size of England presents an illusion that they are in the front.
Mr. D. in Edinburgh, Scotland
P.S. I greatly enjoyed your Wedgie anecdote on the British Royal Family. As Prince Phillip is indeed the Duke of Edinburgh, he is more of an Englishman than a Scot. I wonder if perhaps you can include a thoroughly Scottish Wedgie story in your next dispatch, if possible.
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Dear Mr. D.
Oh, allright. A Scotish wedgie annecdote apears below. But first, reggarding your comments--You got it all wrong. Bein in front dosent mean squat as far as wedgies--the leader is the one who BRINGS UP THE REAR. Get it? Ha Ha.
A SCOTISH WEDGIE ANECDOTE(To be read in a Scottosh accent)
Wee Old Macduff was a-walkin home from St. Andrew's one fine Octobor day when he found a crisp new tenner a-blowin' across the moor.
Aye, cheap bastord that he is, he imediatly stuffed the ten quid note into his Tam-O'Shantor an headed across the highlands to the liqour store where he slapped it on the countor to buy a pint bottol of the best Scotch Whisky money can buy. (I dont want to start any fihgts here so i cant say what brand).
He tucks the wee flask in the back waist of his kilt and heads home a-crossin' the highlands, a-whistlin' a happy tune.
Lo and behold he is set uppon by a band of ruff laddies who beat the haggis out of the poor bloke a-leavin' him there for dead--but not beffore they a-gang up and a-give him some awful wedgies.
Aye, that tartan was a-smartin'. Like a bluddy caber was a-stuck up there. A-giving anothor meaning to the term 'tightwad Scot' if ye will).
As the moon rises over crag and cairn, Wee Old Macduff stumbles homeward 'cross the kirkyard and hears a crunching noise from arround his upper arse. Sudenly the thought of his expennsive whisky pops into his frugol minded head.
"Aye, Lord!" he cries, "I prays to you: Let that a-crunchin' about me stingy arse be me bones, and let that warm fluid which a-runs in a wee trickle down me leg only be blood!
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Update on Wedgies Thruoghout The Americas