Walter Miller's Homepage

Its easy to be humble when you reallize how truly big and crappy it is.
If this is Octobor it must be...

the July section of the big doubel July/August 1999 Update

Page 3 of 4 of update 1 of 2

Like i said we were able to free his scraggly butt only aftor allot of work. When it was time for Junoir to leave he was still bawling.

"Im so sorry you wus so ugly!" he creid. "This pore, pore fambly! I'll cuddle y'all if y'all need me to!"

Junoir then lunged for me with open arms, his eyes wet with tears, "I'll cuddle "ALL y'all, even Grampy! Boo Hoo Hoo!"

The black Just For Men stain will be there on the basterd's ass for anothor week or so. I know. I shoudnt of left him to download Quake III. Arena. I am a jerk.

So, there at work, I call the old basterd to try to calm him down

So, there I was at the worst posibble day at work, with all these phonemails hollering at me. I figured I woud call Granps back first.

So I called up Granfather from my desk and it seems he was ready for me. He was screamin like crazy. Also he demanded that I put him on speakorphone. There is no way in hell I was gointo do that, I was alreadey in allot of troubel on my job and I didnt need to bring the circus to work by havin people hear our private fight.

I said to him, "Granfather I said I am so sorry for lettin you drop in the bowl the othor day," and he shouted back, "I CAIN'T JUDGE YOU FOR BEIN' A DUMBASS WHO CAIN'T DO NOTHIN' RIGHT.


He was particulorly mad because I wrote Dad an e-mail and mentioned that during the cource of us freeing his ass Granfather had reppeatedly called me a "Wussy". This is a word in that in family therappy we had ALL AGREED that Granfather was NOT ALOWED to call me: No mattor if I caused him to get dropped, then glued to the toilat. Also, after Junior left, the old basterd hit me with a teaspoon. It dosent sound like it woud hurt that much but it DOES. Even the sheriff told Granfather directly that he is not allowed to hit me with the teaspoon. Dad aparantly found out about this Wussy-calling and teaspoon-hitting just this morning, and called Granfather just a few hours before while I was driving to work, and chewed him out on the phone.

"HOW DARE YOU TATTOL-TAIL ON ME!" Granfather shouted.

"But you are not alowed to call me a 'wussy' plus your not allowed to smack me around with the teaspoon but you did that too," I said.


I said NO DEAL for the time being. Besides it wasnt even my fault. OK, me and Cathyann were makin out in the car, but I was not really enjoyin it a whole lot. Also, I DENY ALL CHARDGES cause she is the one who took the tube top off and throwed it out the car window, not me.

I was planning ONLY to go to First Base with her but she wanted to go to Second and God help me, with one more beer or two probly even Third thuogh I shuddor to think of it. If you dont believe me, read the end of my last update for proof.

I play the Threat card

Next I told Granfather that if he did not CALM DOWN and also go to the doctor, that I woud share the San Fransisco Incident on my home page. The mere mention of that shut up the old coot into a dumbfuonded silence.

The San Franscisco Incident

I wrote in the past abuot somthing that hapenned back when Granfather was about 17. Shortley after my homepage won acclaim by being featured in TIME magazine in 1996 I was aproached by my family who made me all prommise not to ever EVER write abbout it publicly because of how enbarassing the story was to Granfather.

Of cource, when I was saying this to him on the phone, I had no intention of doing so. It was just to scaire him. Granfather also knew that I was just sayin it to scaire him, and so he was not scaired in the least.


I said, "Yes, of course, and then i added, "So, Granfather, are you goin to the doctor?"

"NO I AIN'T!" he howled back.

"Then I call the County and tell them to send the Animal and Agriculturol Control Departmant van over to shoot you in the ass with a dart gun and then have you hauled off to get hosed down and then examinned by force."

This was NOT an exagerattion. Granfather is a well established state-registered public health hazerd and there a number of people in our family (including me) who have been deputized with the authorrity to call the State oficials to subdue the old basterd if necesarry.

"I'LL GIT YOU FOR THIS, BOY!" he screamed.

Then the threats came.

Granfather makes the worst threatts. I know he will never follow through with them but they scaire the hell out of me just the same. I guess the worst part of the threts is the vivid picture he paints. You coud just see what he discribes and also feel the raw hatred in his words.


This particuolor day the old basterd threatenned to roast me alive in one of those George Forman Gourmet Grills buck nakad. And while I laid there shreiking and sufforing and Cooking In The Low-Fat Heart-Freindliest Way, pull my teeth out one by one with a Surelock wrench and then with a live webcam on he'd mount each of the teeth in a small velvet shadow box and auction them off one by one LIVE on eBay as the laptop was set up so I coud see what kind of bids these peices of a true authenntic soon-to-be-dead cyber-Lebrity woud fetch on the open market.

Evil basterd. You haveto beleive me folks, cause no one coud MAKE up a threat so bad. In any case, One thing was sure: Granfather realy did NOT want to go the docter, and I did not know why.

I hate bein on the phone with Granfather at work because it is allways a spectacle.

While I was on the phone I turned arround to see that somone was standin in my cube: It was the mean cruel "..For Dummies(R)" looking guy, (or atleast the guy who looked like the litle cartoon charactor, except with a pissed look on his face), my Boss's Boss.

"Dont you ever controdict one of the investers, OR one of the consultents EVER AGIAN," he snarled at me.

But I said to him "you cannot use dot-value in a website" but he did not seem to care. He also told me that I am never to even to speak to them. Even if they asked me a qeustion directly, I was to defer to him, or else his boss, the Lady Who Screams at Everyone.

I asked, "What if they are not arround"?, and he told me, "Act like you dont undorstand English." Then i asked what if there was a fire in the building and the onley way there life coud be saved was if I told them and he said WATCH IT MR MILLER or else i woud be out of that place right then on my ass. And then he told me that "Just for laughs", that very day he would place a letter of Repprimand in my file imediatly.

Anothor call

When i finaly get fired from this job and get another one, i am not givin my phoen number out to anyone.

This call was from my freind (NOT my girlfreind), Cathyann. She said that she ran into the County Clerk at the new frappuchino place next to the laundromat. And while they were talkin he went to his car and pulled out of the glove compartment the polyestor ladies' tube top that belonged to her that now he was in possession of, which was now inside the plastic two gallen ziploc bag with the "EVIDENCE" tag taped to it, and he had a tale to tell.

The County Clerk told Cathyann that he had nothin personal agianst her, but that she oughto tell me, (who, also, he had no beef agianst), that I had better tell Granfather that he wants him the hell out of his county or else he woud persue charges agianst ME for causing $6,000 to a county vehicol with the said "EVIDENCE" as discribed in the last page of my past update.

"Well, Walt, I told HIM," said Cathyann in her raspey smoker's drawl.

"Told him WHAT," I said, tryin so hard to concontrate on my work, which i keep fallin behind on thanks to all these danm meetings and personal calls.

"I said that LIL' OL' ME was the one whut whupped off thet thar tubetob: NOT YOU, Walt. An' he didn't b'leeve me, so I done showed him how I can do it with one hand in less than a second. Yuh shoulda seen his face when muh two ladies popped out in the daylight."

She went on and on and on in her endless yammering way, tellin me about how she was telling him how, "he don't have a case," and that, "He better leave Walter alone," or else she woud run agianst HIM in the next election, on a politicol platform that was 'yet to be determined.'

"No one's makin any threats here," Cathyann told me that she told the County Clerk, "But that thar tubetop you got in that bag yer carryin' around just might prove to be the 'Blue Gap Dress' of your career!"

I realy didnt have time to talk to her no more, and told her as nice as I coud that I had to get back to work.

I have to demo some screens for Marketing

Three hours lator at 2:00 I was suposed to demo this new section of the website for the Marketing deppartment. My freind Stu was there, because he is in Marketing. He is the only freind I have in this whole danm company. It is one of the few bright spots of my whole pittiful life.

My freind Stu

I have wrote about Stu in the past over the years on this website. Me and him grew up togethor in Califonria. He is the guy with the porky pink face and exagerated piggish features that looks exactley like the little fetal piglet you are suposed to dissect in biollogy class floating in the jar of fromaldehyde that is distorted by the liqiud to make it look like he is smiling.

I used to work with him a long time ago at anothor company and recentley he relocated to Texas and got a job here. He is the one who actualy helped me get my job here. One day i will kill Stu for this.

My cube is invaded