Walter Miller Homepage

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Mid Octobor 96 AUTUNM EXTRA Update

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Granfather feels his oats

I dont know if its from the shorter days or what but grampys feelin real healthy lately. Yes good enough in recent weeks to spend only half his time in the walker instead of just the wheelchair. The doctor sadly says that the old beasts condition is inproving and theres nothin we can do about it.

Perhaps the relatoinship with his disgousting ugly waffly legged old horselipped girlfreind is bringing renewed vigor. I havnt wrote about her lately. Shes still part of the picture. Its just that I cant keep food down when I think of her and its inpossible to write about her without thinkin about her.
Wooo! There it is again: I just got a shivvering willie.

In any case granfathers banged up legs bones an hips plus mussel that got crusched in the 1990 colectible related acident are healing. But for somone like me who lives with the gristtly old basterd you cant realy tell a diference: he still sits on his lazy ass all day watchin TV an surfing the web.

More on the monster in a bit

But first a breif kudo for me: Walter Miller's Home Page was just awarded inclusion in the the covated PC Magazines 100 Best Web Sites. Yet another boost to my fragile an easily briused selfesteam. We printed the PC Mag reveiw off the web an put it on the fridge with a few of those WINDOWS 95 SUCKS magnets. On the frigde you can see the page from any point in our humble trailer. Im deaply honored. Of course granfathers proud too but as usual his only comment is a complaint: THEM CHEAP BASTERDS COUDA LEAST OF SENT US ONE O'THEM SQUATTY LITTLE UGLY LUCITE TROPHYS.

Yes an an abbusive old troll in good health is worse than one who needs constant care.

Stronger means worser

We first saw the unfortonate health improvement on our vacation last month. Dad said he never saw the old basterd so strong an ornery in years. He yells louder, bites harder and craps strongor than ever before. And the spitting. Lets just say its like living with a combonation of Godzila and Alomar on crack.

He loses control

My folks stuck around a week after our failed vacation and we took him to a specialist who confirmed an abnormol spike in already high testostrone levels. In the private confrence room he sugessted injectons of estrogen or lithium who the hell knows I cant recall but in any case granfather heard thru the wall an threw a hissy fit. He banged his forhead on the sheetrock so many times he put a big crack in it.

Heres why doctors pay to see HIM

Busting a wall with his head is no big deal for the beast. Way up at the top of his face right at the Draculaline hairline the old man has a residual evolutoinary eggtooth. Yes, much like his ruddimentary 3rd nipple, this egg tooth is not used today. But way back in his reptilian geneology they say that prior species of granfather used this superflouos dental appendage to crack there way out of leathery shells at birth.

Granfather may be a member of our "Family" but he sure as hell isnt part of our Phylum, Geanus or Species.

Its our loss that those who sired him unfortunatly evolved beyond eating their young. Of course if they did I woud of never been born. But considerin how my life turned out I think it woud of been worth it.

The coller goes back on

Granfather woudnt calm down. Dad sugessted they wrap that velcrow blood presure thing around his neck and pump the rubber bulb to choke him (not kill him but just slow him down) but they decidad not to.

What they finaly did was jab him in the ass with a Wiley E. Coyote sized needle full of soddium penthanol, enough to kill a damn camel. How they found any meat on his skinny butt hams is beyond me.

Once the old cretin was out cold out they double straigt jacketted him and then slipped 3 rubbor gloves over his repoulsive head way down to cover his nose an mouth and then stuck a breathin tube in it. Amazingly he was consious again in one minite.

The glove fingors on top of granfathers head expanded when he tried to holler. His face looked like a friggin cross between the dead alien infant in the X-files in that nitrogen freezer and a giant rubber chickon in a ski mask. Also the cardboard animal coller granfather wore that proved so well last summer went on once more until indefinite furthor notice.

CONTINUED: What made him so pissed