Please. I know it's late. But don't gorge yourself and read it all at once.
Page 3 of 50
Granfather was mounted with his eyes and jaws open, legs apart, knees slightley bent, hands above his head, fingers splayed, and teeth, fangs and claws all baired and sharpened. Yes a savage carnivore ready to pounce. It is a common stance for him and how we all chose to remember him. In ordor to get the old basterd to stay in this stance, some custom-bent metol bars and wire were drilled into the hard, beef jerkylike textoure of his dry stringy musculature.
Granfather was dressed in some sort of raggody furry animal skin. The old basterd's bare feet were glued to a small kidney shaped island of resin, the sort of small platform you see suporting the feet of a tiny plastic toy soldier. The idea was to eventualy place him a diorama with paintings of spewing volcanoes in the backround, and titled:
But alass, like my TV series, it was not to be -- at least not yet
Sometimes when you are driving around the back roads of Latin America there are problems with bandits and crooked cops, so bringing somone like Stu who can negotiate was neccessary. Fortunatlely we had no problems like that.
Stu had the idea of saying that the "Granfather statue" was actualy just a "large tasteless souveneir" we had bought. We coud see how the border guards might think there was an illegol alien hiding in all those layers of plastic and paint. (Yes, Granfather is partly alein, but a diferent kind of alien).
Madison was driving. Stu was in the back cargo area, leaning on his elbows and, poking his snout thru the space betwean the two front seats. He was naviggating the trip but was very carefull not to let the sensitive pink porcine skin of his face get sunburned.
The van has a very low idle stalled in the middle of a breif downhill turn around a small canyon. We rolled to a sudden dead stop. Junior pitched foward, his pale flabby torso bouncing into the plump stout Stu and the two jiggoled and reverberrated against each other like two loose wobbly silicon breast inplants still at the factory falling off the asembly line and onto the floor one atop the othor at the same time.
The Granfather statue josseled sightley from the van's lack of shocks, and it too lurched around a bit, its ghastley lifeless frozon face stairing blankly at us, its dead eyes appearing to mock us: the living.
"Danm!" Madison spat.
Exiting the van, Me, Stu, Madison and Junior all stood there dumstruck in the hot silent sun.
But I was the only one with arms skinny enuogh go in there with a wrench and re-tighten the alternator on its bracket. Did you ever work on a van's engine? There is no room and you nevor see what youre doing. Madison kept hollerin at me cause I was doing it wrong while him and Stu tried to direct me what to do. Junior meanwhile just sat on a rock and cried and creid.
When I lifted my second leg off the ground for a second that was just enough weight to make the van start rolling backwords. It rolled 10 feet and sudenly stopped short when the back wheel hit a big rock. My head slammed hard into a burning hot valve covor. OK I admit it I started screamin like a girl.
Even though I was undor the hood I coud feel the whole van buckle and hear the sounds of the Granfather statue slide out of the back cargo bay and burst thru the back van doors onto the rocky shouldor of the road with a loud fiberglassy thump.
Stu, Junior and Madison pulled me out histerical and shreiking and flailing and kicking. It is a moment I am not proud of. As soon as they saw I was OK, they went to retreive the old basterd who'd fallen in a dry gully.
"He's chipped!" I heard Madison call out, upon inspecting the Granfather statue.
"What about me, dammit!" I wailed. Stu gentley cleaned the oil and grease off my head and dabbed at my sore wound with two or three Wet Ones clutched in his cloven porcine hoof, as he peered at me quizically. While we are on the subject of moist towellettes, I suppose I shoud interject this advice: Take it from me, Wet Ones are a nessessity if you ever are in anothor country especialy a hot foreign one and while you are there plan to wipe your ass.