Walter Miller's Homepage

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Happy Hollaween folks. I was thinkking for sevoral months of writing a Haloween Speciel(R), sort of like The Simpsons(C) has each year on the Fox(TM) Network. I delayed till the last minute for two reasons: One, my life is pretty danm scary all year round living with GRANFATHER. And two, I thought i might get sued by Fox(TM) for the unauthorrized use of the words "Haloween Speciel".

Yes Fox likes to sue fan's asses merely for promoting their show on the Net. Meanwhile if Bart(R) and Homer(TM) were real, they'd probly drop their truosors and moon those danm Fox Internet tradeshark--Uh, I mean trademark attornies thruogh the window of their fancy corporate wood paneled conferrence room where they sit arround sipping latte and surfing fan sites on the web all day for $200 an hour looking for "trademark viollations" which are probly no more than things like some little kid who mabye drew Apu(TM) or Cheif Wigham(R) in PhotoShop and acidentally gave them 5 fingors instead of four or didnt use the right frikkin shade of blue for Marge(TM)'s hair.

Yup lawyors get paid that much. (Geesh, i wish I got $200 an hour just for surfin the web. Thats allmost what Java programers make. So I hear.)

In any case i talked to my own lawyor who told me that i coud indeed write a Holloween Speciel, as long as I spelt "Haloween" differentley than how the Fox(TM) Network spells it, (no problem there!), and also made sure not to include any The Simpsons(R)(C)(TM) charactors. (And then HE billed me $200. And i wasnt even on the phone with him an hour.)

A Warning

Therefore if i ever DO write a Walter Miller's Homepage Holloween Speciel, I WARN YOU that it will be quite grisly and violent, perhaps in the same manner of Itchy(TM) and Scratchy(R) cartoons, (which Fox(TM) airs early enough for small kids to watch).

What do i mean by "if i ever do write one?" Well it may be hidden in this update. It may sneak up on you by supprize. And it MAY be part of a dream seqqeunce, and not entireley true. (Me and my danm big moulth i probly said too mutch alredy)

Okay, enuogh of that Legal Disclaimor Crap.

Ive had it with the trademark stuff. True, i dont want peoplle stealin MY stuff. But if i was owned by Fox or Disney or the NBA, well, lets just say that aneytime somone ever farted or took a crap, theyd have to pay a royalty to my Granfather.

By the time you are reading this... whole website shoud be moved over here to Geocities, (ecxept the "Links of the Day" section which needs re-writing.) If any of my readors find a bad hyperlink, or see a stale link to one of my Prodigy pages, or see a refference to my old Progidy e-mail adress (which i dont own and dosent work anymore), please send mail to me at:

Also i tried to remove "H6" text to make my pages more readable. If you shoud find a page where the text is unusualy small and you cant read it, please write to me and I'll try to get it fixed.

Keep those cards and lettors comin

For regulor fan mail, I am now seeing up to a 4 to 5 day delay. Howevor I do try to answor ALL my mail with a personal reply and if i dont answor you after that time please write back.

Limited Toilet Houmor so you Woud THINK

Yes when your danm toilet is GONE, your generol level of toilet humor does indeed decline. Not your toilet conscoiusness mind you, but just the humor aspects of it. Because we are ever so much more mindful of bathroom functions ever since my last update when Granfather destroyed our toilet. And what has been going on is not humourous AT ALL.

Severol months back I had wrote that we had to get a Port-O-San on our propperty becausse the old bastord had brokon yet another bowl. Well a few months prior even to that I also wrote how Id bought myself my own portable camping toilet which i kept hidden in one of the back sheds because I coud no longer use the same one in our trailer that he did. i am sorry but the one in our bathroom was just inposible to keep clean. I even treid draining the back tank with pure bleach and lettin it sit every night for a month but that didnt help neithor.

Now all we had in the bathroom was a hole in the floor encircoled by a few corroded bolts. Our new system consisted of pusshing Granfather dirrectly over it in while seated in his rolling potty. I was sure it didnt cross his tiny evil mind abbout what bathroom i was using. Well last week the old bastord found my secret toilat, or rathor I found HIM squattin on it like an iguana on a log smokin a Garcia-Y-Vega reading one of those not-availoble-in-stores 11" x 17" internet trade weeklies. It was NOT a pretty site. (I dont even know how he got on the trade weekley's mailing list cause only industry leadors are suposed to get subscritpsions and the only thing Granfather leads the nation in is bad taste and odor).

He had a giant grin on his face and said "LOOKY I FOUND, BOY." i was shocked. This is a man who usualy needs help to go, but when he is in a certaian "mood" can haul himself up with no aid from me.

I said to him, "What did you find? Is that my magazine?" and he said "NO, I DONE FOUND THIS HERE CRAPPER." He went on to yell at me that i shoudnt of kept it as a secret from him and that his "feelings were hurt" becuase he cant help how he smells--and also, that, ecxepting 2 months that he was injured by the foldout sofa couch, hed ben secretly using MY CAN since the week I bought it!!!

I throw up

I ran outside holding my moulth and ralphed out in the yard. As i kneeled there Granfather then wheeled past, slapped me on the back of the head with his big hairy paw and snarled at me, "AFTER 'TOOL TIME' IS OVER, ME AND YOU IS GONNA TALK, BOY."

Then he went inside to put his TV show on. Granfather is strong enuogh to wheel his wheelchair up and down our rickety trailor steps. Its realy amazing. Plus his mucscle tone dramatically inproved after just 3 weeks on the new high fat/high protien diet. Othor than some cuts and scars and an ocasional peice of wiry metal that works its way to the surface of his leathory skin every few days, Granfather really is showing no sign that he was locked up in that rollaway couch for 2 months.

Just before he went inside he told me to get the gardon hose and clean up the mess i just did and also shovel up after the dogs and chickons and genorally straighten things up around the yard.

"WE'RE HAVVIN' A GUEST DROP BY, SO YOU TIDY UP" he gruffed just beffore going inside.

I knew i was goingto get in trouble.

All i wanted was to not haveto share a toilat bowl with him. Granfather made me sit down and then he lectoured me for the next full hour screaming at the top of his lungs with the cigarette cletched in his teeth.

The first halfhour didnt concern me at all--he was upset at the Tool Time episode, because he was mad that Randey, the middle boy isnt as much of a wise ass now as in seasons past, (and that he STILL cant see Wilson's danm face. And not only that, on the comercial break was a Kentuckey Freid Chickon ad, narrated by Wilson, where you STILL coudnt see his face.)


When he finished this Tool time tirade i got this high-falutin lecture about how I shoud NEVER purchase somthing over the Internet, and not only that, certianly never press my bare ass cheeks on it. At least not without paperring it up first for Godsake. And then the old bastord ecxused himself for the infintesimaly rare ocasion of bathing himself because some new "lady freind" who he met in a dirty Chat room woud be driving in from the othor side of the state. Today woud be there very first 'look-see'.

"BEFORE YOU SET A HAYBED DOWN FER NEW LIVESTOCK," the old lecherrous coot growled with a lusty grin "YOU GOTS TO EXAMINE IT ON THE HOOF."

The phone rings

Its for Granfather. It is an officiel of the locol county Democratic party. Granfather as you know is feuding with the County Clerk, and he started an ellection recall petition to throuw him outof office. The oficial is calling to say that all the signattures on that pettition were found to be forged, and also that efective imediatly, Granfather was dischardged as a party precint leador.

He also said that Granpy is an enbarassment to the party, and coud he please join annother one: Perhaps the Rebuplicans. He said that they were the 'big tent' party, and perhapps he coud be more at home in the freak show portion of that tent along with Helms, Packwood and Damato.


The locol party official said he didnt want to get into it now, but that they just didnt want to help the opposittion by having a precinct leador in our county who had detailed descriptions of his ass and its asociated performances posted 2 times a month in a running commenterry over the Internet.

"ILL GIT YOU FER THIS BOY," Granfathor vennomously breathed at me in a low trembly growl.

The phone rings agian

This time its for me. It is Noah, one of my supperiors at the Netly News main office. He is on conference call with the person who I report to at the branch location here in Texas one day a week. It seems there is a problem lately with me gettin my work up on time.

I happon to have a very good ecxuse