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We are to literatoure what Sipowitz's ass is to televisoin

Mid-April 1997 Update

Page 1 of 5

Just like when Granfather stares at you makking that evil look, clears his throat, cocks his pre-hueman, small chambered, proto-simian head way back, then snaps it foward to send a phlemmy wad hurling and lopeing your way, and how the air resistence on its iregular shape breaches and shrapnels the knobby projectile into distinct, independent missiles, this Mid April 1997 update is coming to you in severol separate peices:

Dont worry about gettin lost on this website because all of the pieces end up linking to each other. If the giant, faded dot-matrixed paper banner that hangs above my cubicle at work which reads: 'WORLDS WORST WEBSITE DESIGNGER' is corect, you will NOT get lost on my Homepage. (My bosses permit this abbusive behavoir by my co-workers; all they want me to do is quit so they wont have to fire me and thereby have to pay me unenployment bennefits.)



To see the latest antics of the old bastord...How our trip to Washington ended and what the old biologiocal curiositty is up to of late


    "Legends In The Making"

    ...Another instalment of a poppular feature that originaly ran last Summer, based on reader-related anecdoates...


    My latest desperate humilaition of self-agrandizement

    ...And find out what "S.T.L.T.T.W.M.H.P.S.O.T.D" stands for

    Oh, so youve descided for now to keep readin this page? Good choice: Keep reading:

    How our Washinton Trip ended

    When we last left you Granfather's older brother Uncle Willaim was lingering near death in a hospitol outside Washigtnon DC. Hes still alive as of this writing. In fact he is rallying. Its amazing. Uncle Zeke says its because of granfathers visit: Seeing the old bastord caused Uncle William to mustor up all the forgoten hatred in his heart toward him and, in his words "refilled his veins with the piss and vinegor of his youth."

    Me, granfather and Uncle Zeke stayed in a cheap motel on the freeway with me in the rollaway bed. I am ovor 6 foot so i hang over the egde of the bed but id rather DIE than share a bed with Granfather. Sharing the hotel room with them both was also NOT FUN. My Uncle gets up to go to the bathroom all night long and being disoreinted in a strange hotel room he often bumps into my rollaway bed as he stumbles around the room half-asleep. My first night in the room at 3 AM Uncle Zeke was tottering around tryin to find the john while granfather was laying in his own bed calling out to him in soothing tones: "A LITTLE TO THE LEFT, ZEKE." And just when granfather said RIGHT THERE! my uncle dropped his pajjamas and peed right on my neck. Granfather laughed his ass off after that and his bloodcourdling cackling was so shrill it knocked 2 of the cheap paintings off the wall which was amazing cause they were bolted on.

    The malicious malevolant old bastord later told me that since childhood Uncle Zeke sort of half sleepwalks but will respond to verbol instructions as he gropes about in the midle of the night lookin for a place to drain his old septuogenarian schween. Then when he wakes up he doesnt remembor a thing. This is why, the next morning, my uncle found no reasen to apologgize to me.

    Both of Granfathers brothers intensely hate him and as you know the old bastord was banned from the hospitol where Uncle Wiliam is at. On one visit me and Uncle Zeke went to see him while Granps took the train into the city for the day. His legs were feeling good enuogh to use his walker and he was dying to take the FBI Tour. It was nice to be free of him for a few hours.

    As I was in the hospitol room Uncle William whispers to Uncle Zeke: "Its time we told the boy about his granfather's fear." and Zeke said: "NO WE WILL NOT."

    He fears nothing

    I wrote before that Granfather has no fear of the natural or supernaturol. He has wrestled blackbears and once a mountan lion. Another time in the Army some people bet him to wrestle an aligator and he killed it with his friggin teeth. He is not a man he is a monstor. If surounded by an armed gang of robbers granfather will show no fear and instead will beat the crap out of them so bad they will be cryin for there mommies before he is done with them. Plus the whole time he will be laughin his ass off. He only weighs like 128 lbs. and only is about 5 foot 6 and old and scrawney but each time hes ben in prison or jail (around 11 times from about 1948 to 1990 usualy for bar fights or stealing), the first thing he does when all the inmates assemble for breakfest is ask loudly: WHOSE THE BIGGEST MEANEST SUMBITCH IN THIS HERE POKEY? Then the old bastord picks a fight with the guy. Or even the guy & all his freinds.

    I am not makkin this up

    A few minuts later Granfather woud ask the qeustion again: WHOSE THE BIGGEST MEANEST SUMBITCH IN THIS HERE POKEY? And all the frightoned inmates woud answer: YOU ARE, GRANPY!

    Yet Uncle Zeke did NOT want me to know Granfather's greatest--his only fear inthe world. His brother Zeke hates his slimy guts as much as his brothor Willaim. But Zeke feels whoevor has knowlege of 'The Fear' can control 'The Beast' and its certainly not a wise thing to hand that knowlege over to someone as young and undisiplined as me.

    Later That night we meet up with him for supper