Walter Miller's Homepage

Hmmm it dosent FEEL like the year 2000

the Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update

Page 1 of ...Oh crap! ...24!

Happy 2000. I am back from hyatus.

Well what words can I say aftor a hiatus of more than 7 weeks. Please bellive me when I say I NEEDED IT. I not only have this update done, I restored annothor update (the one before it) that I acidentaly deleted a few weeks ago.

Yes I know. I am a jerk. That lost-but-now-fuond update starts here.

Good news

Chances are you alredy read about my TV cartoon project. Yes I am very ecxited by it.

Thats right ladeis and gentelmen. The good news is that it is Janaury of the Year 2000, and all that horse hockey the "media experts" have been tellin us for years, has finaly come true: The so-called "Convergence of TV and the Web" is here!

The bad news

The bad news is that it comes in the form of my crappy website.

More Goodnews/Bad News

I had to TAKE DOWN the cartoon pictures. We have some clients who are very interrested in it. They may get to the point that they are SO intrested, that they will not want it to be broadcast anymore so a compeating network may see it. The good news of this is that HOPEFULLEY SOMEON WILL WANT TO BUY MY PITTIFULL CRAPPY LIFE STORY.

Also Granfather is givin me a hard time. He is demanding an extra peice of the pie before we reppresent his repulsive horrid disgousting face on the web. Granfather's lawyor is now fighting with my lawyor. Its an ugly, disfunctionol situation. To be safe, I had to take the cartoon pictures down. I apollogize. Hopefully youll see them on TV one of these days.

I ask for a Clean Slate reguarding my delayed Updates.

Years ago in the Bible they used to have this thing called the Year of Jubiley where debits were forgivan. Well theres no chance my monetery debits will be canceled, and so I am stuck in servatude, taking care of Granfather until I am in the black. Howevor I am indeed hoping that atleast you will forgive me for bein late with all these updates. My last update, posted in Novembor. Yes, just like one of Granfather's saggy old girlfreinds who I was once emotionally scarred for life as a result of my acidentaly catchin a glimps of her from the rear waddling down the hall with no clothes on in the middle of the night to sprinkol the porcelian there was some serious falling behind going on. And so I hope youll let me wipe the slate clean with this Last of 1999 and First of 2000 Big Ass Multi-Update -- in which i hope to cover lost ground and keep you up to date.

A number of appollogies

I woud like to apollogize for the size of this update. It is huge. I know what you are thinking. "Walter, you basterd. First you starve us. Then you gorge us. Screuw you, and your stuppid freakin website. I am leaving to go read 'The Onion'."

Well pleaze dont leave yet

Also, once agian, I sincearley apolloggize for losing the last update. This hapened when I moved the website to the new Domain. If you find any dead links, please let me know abuot them. I think a screen or two is missing from my Setpember 1996 update, that I will have to track down and restore. (Whoa--I've been writting this crap a long time).

Also I apollogize for the generaly poor quality of my website lately: badly written, horobly spelled, laboriously long, and just with an overall air of campy cornyness. (Of course, as I've gone back to read the whole thing looking for bad links Ive realized that my website's ALLWAYS been this bad.)

Yes I am an an insecure loser. As long as thats true at least I hope my cartoon will be sold so I cam make my living from it.

The other reasens for my hiatus

Emotionol problems at home. Verbol and olfactory abuse from Granfather. Yes we enter the new mellenium with him being as creepy and mean to me as ever. I wont go into alott of detail here. Howevor exept to say he hasnt washed his ass since December 29th.

In any case what can I say to catch up. I woud like to let all my readers know whats been hapenning since November, the last time I updated my pages. As usuol I had a realy awful Thanskgiving. Not as bad as some in the past, but humiliating still in its own way. Christmas was a little bettor. New years eve was extremly anoying. Granfather as you can guess ruined it for me.

Also: Windows 2000 problems

This is the othor reason my update was delayed.

I just upgradad a few weeks ago. I had to get MS Word 2000 because the 1999 version of MS Word I have (and paid $89 bucks for, like, only a year ago), canot read the Word 2000 documents my job sends to me. Meanwhile Word 2000 freezes up aftor I go into "HELP" and I have to hardboot my computer.

Also, Word 2000 is so friggin big I cannot fit it all on my computer and will have to buy a new one soon. These basterds want you to buy a new hardware and softwear every 8 month marketing cycle.

Also Word 2000 is integratad into the new danm IE Web Browsor (which I had to install agianst my will) and that damn thing sucks even more: It makes my freakin web conection freeze up if I'm on the Internet for more than 2 minutes. Not good if you want to FTP files to your danm webpage.

Also MS Word now comes with hundreds of clip art images and a web creation tool.

But I do not WANT all that crap. Alls I want is a danm word procesor so i can read Word files from both 1999 and 2000.

Also, now get this: Often when I reboot I get this error mesage in the upper left of the screen:


Well. I know THAT cant be true. Cause I buy a new friggin Operating System every damn year.

"(425) 635-7130"

That is the number you haveto call up in Washington State to have Micrasoft help you over the phone when your explicit folowing of thier directions on the side of the danm package invariably crashes your computer.

Plus all the MS droids up there you talk to have names like "Wink" and "Troy" and who dont give a crap abuot you anyway but are just hangin around a job they dont like just to cash in on the stock options.

Microsoft also has a (800) toll free number, but that costs $35 "per incident" and meanwile the danm softwear only costs a hundred bucks. So I've been callin the Wasington State number. Granfather says that if he sees one more entry for "(425) 635-7130" on his phonebill he will carve the numbor a half inch deep into my asscheek with a redhot linoleum knife.

I apollogize once agian for being so late with this update but please believe me I needed the time.

The one thing I'd like to say is THANKS to all my readers. As you know Ive been late with my updates allot. Youve all been faithfull readers even if I have not been a faithfull writer.

Before we get into the update...As Leuitenant Columbo says,

Just one more thing.

It is about e-mailTwo things:

[1] Folks I sincearely appollogize I have not answered all my mail. Hard to belive but this crappy website gets more mail than I can ever posibly answor. Please remember that I am a real person who has to schedoule time to write my updates, read my mail, do my job, and somhow still find time to get emotionaly abbused by Granfather.

[2] Ive mentined before, (but allot of new readors dont realize), I cannot download email attachments. I apologize for this. Many people send along things like documents and humoruos items, but there is a strict rule agianst this sort of thing, because (OK, I admit it), I check my e-mail at work, and one of the computers there once got infected by a virus that some jerk who works there (not me) downlaoded off an email attachment that someone sent him. The jerk almost lost his job. (OK I admit it, I was that jerk).


You are probly readin this at work on your lunch hour and I know you dont have all the time in the world. So lets get into this big ass update.

Tak a deep breath folks-- this is somthing I can say if your NOT in the imediate vincinity of Granfather -- here is the update, so please dont try to read it all in one sitting. Unless of cuorse your as much a glutton for my punishment as I am.

When my last update ended we had just returned from the docter

...and Granfather was very unhappy. The diagnosis was that he is to reffrain from all sort of intimite relations (with women), as well as stay away from things that coud tempt him, (i.e., dirty pictures). Also he is not aloud to "force" his digestive system. This is somthing he likes to do to disgust peoplle around him. If he does eithor of those 2 things, he coud dangerously stress himself to the threat of his life.

How he got to be in such a bad state: There was a teribble incodent that hapenned last year that Granfather still hasnt recovored from. If youve read my past updates you know that the old basterd's two older brothers injected by way of a reverse air presure enema allmost 600 pounds of bathroom tile grout into his ass which seeped allthe way up to where his stomoch ends. Rathor than have it removed Granfather kept it in there up his butt for sevoral months as evidence in a lawsiut agianst them.

To make a long story short the grout was finaly removed by way of lithium grease and now sits on the lawn of a college campus somwhere in the Midwest where your tax dollors and mine purchased it as a very expensive and vaguely offensive large white curley outdoor artistic peice of modern sculpture.

Also Granfather's bowels were severely strained, and so was the rest of his body. He is at severe risk for imediate and sudden stroke or heart atack.

The visit to the doctor as I already wrote abbout was a disastor.

And I already wrote about my pain in the ass boss.

My imediate boss at work is this pain in the ass woman. Not only does she look like a toad -- She is a codeppendent whose mission in life is to "mentor me into manhood." I keep tryin to tell her its hopeless. In case you dont know what a codependent is its somone obssessed with helping othors who ofton dont want your help. It is so danm pittiful. OK, i admit it I am sort of a codeppendent too. (Im also somone who needs help but thats annothor story).

My boss: What a pain in the ass.

I had to reqeust a day off to take the old basterd to the doctor. But she cannot give me a day off by email or phonemail. She has to MEET with me and "talk it out." Since were so busy at at work I have to come in extra earley to meet with her in the kitchenette and listen to her loud overly chearfull chirping voice and watch her devour one aftor another these crunchy diet breakfest bars. She talks and spreys with her mouth full. I do not like bein mentored by her. Also she's nosy and she wants every detail. About Granfather's medicol problems. Hell, if she wants the details she coud read this danm website like everyone else.

What hapened aftor the doctors apointment

Granfather not only made a fool of himself there and enbarassed me, he dropped a load in the waiting room bathroom of the HMO (which I had to bag up and take out of there in a speciel lead lined bag--YUCK).

Worst of all was the othor discoveries.

The Post Mortom

Every medicol exam of the old basterd is folowed up by a 'Post Mortem' which is exactley what it sounds like it is, exept with the startling complication and alarmingly trajic discovery of one terribly unfortunate medical conclusion: -- that of the patient still horifically being alive.

A menagerie of Medicol anomolies